Hi.
At A Glance Author willynillyuk Contact [email protected] When N/A Artist ahem! God, I guess! Studio Mother's uterus Location Boston USA I am Willy Nilly or willynillyuk, whichever you like.
Despite what follows, I am a typically male 46,XY Karyotype. However, I was born with penile and testicular agenesis. That is to say I am genetically void of male genitalia.... no dick, no balls. I am the only one alive currently living as a pseudo-male as all the others were re-classified female, cheated of their masculinity.
We all have gonads at the embryonic stage. These develop into testes in the male and ovaries in the female. Mutations within my delegate SRY genes prevented the gonadal ridge taking this course and rendered me anorchistic (no testes). At the same time, missing 5-a-DHT binding proteins meant no formation of the genital tubercle in the first 2 months of my embryosis was possible and are the reasons my penis failed to develop.
But I am not female, strict XY I'm afraid. Being DAX-1 gene-deficient, female genitalia could not develop so that was out of the question. I have been told there must have been AMH activity to fully inhibit female organs, as in all males, and make my masculinity unambiguous, but this is a medical phenomenon as AMH is known to be manufactured only in the testes, which I never had.
Still, the result is a perfect natural neutered male. That's me!
"How do you pee?", you ask. Well, in the typical male, the urethra is carried alongside the "corpora cavernosa" which is a cavity along the penis filled with spongy membrane which is filled by blood at erection-time. No genital tubercle meant no cavity! So the urethra which defaults towards the anal wall failed to be pulled forward. Hence, when I was born, surgeons were able to cut through the membranes in my rectum linking into my urethra eliminating risks of septisaemia, I guess. Kinda efficient ain't it; one hole to do everything? Oops, sorry!
Still, I never knew I was male until my teens. Throughout my infancy and early childhood I was brought up as a girl. I changed for PE and sport with the girls.
However, when I reached my teens and there was no visible sign of mammary development, the truth was broken to me. I had always wondered why other girls had a full opening to their crotch where I had a mere hole in my rectum, unseen (like a man has at the end of his penis). Also I had always been interested in boy-things like football, war games, etc (this is a hormone-thing; I'll explain later).
At 11 years my family moved to Britain where I could start again as a boy. For sport I was allowed to change in privacy and it was some years before my condition came out.
At 13 I had to change in an open locker-room. I tried to hide myself but after a few sessions several boys spotted my condition. The ridicule among about 20 pubescent boys was harrowing. I went through hell with bullying albeit only by one or two from then on. They once stripped me naked in a crowded street. Why would any male want to make himself like me?
Now I am older I have come to terms with it. Coming out in the naturist world, which was fully tolerant and accepting, led the way. After that, I took on the chauvinist naked gay clubs. Harrowing at first, I gradually found my place. What seemed a hopeless sexual dilemma has seen me generate into a cute-looking gay "bottom", so I'm ok folks! But probably my only serious regret is never being able to have a girlfriend. I could never satisfy the physical and visual needs of a woman. An Ann Summers Platinum Card would merely brush the surface lol!
And, listen up, everybody has a skill if he can find it. I never knew what mine was until now. Sadly, and even moreso, surprisingly, it is sexual LOL! It seems I have hitherto untapped oral skills that mean my bottom half is being more than compensated by my top half. At a recent cruising venue I overheard a guy say "You know that bloke with no cock? He's just give me the best blowjob I can remember!". GOAL!!!!!!! And one or two guys are beginning to seek me out. The sexless guy goes sex-crazy! Boy, have I come of age! Why did I hide? Why didn't I do this years ago?
Remedial action: Can I have surgery?
Well I have to admit, this level of medical science has confused me. The specialists explain, but the goalposts seem to move every session. I will try to remember what I can have and how as best as possible.
A sex-change? Do me a favour! Let's knock that on the head! Firstly, I am male and want to stay that way. My hormones are Steroid Androgens (male gender-marker), hence the instinctive tendency towards male interests, the need to shave and the lower voice register.
What about a penoplasty? Well the word itself tells you. It is grafted on to an existing penis. On its own it's worthless!
What of a prosthetic. Come on! I would rather go to Ann Summers; it's cheaper!
Penis Transplant? Now you're talking! Alas a transplant of a complete penis has never been done. The first near-successful full transplant was done in China just over a year ago but the patient rejected it by choice afterwards. The only successful female to male one done so far involved a combination of prosthetic internal structure and a genuine full visible penis graft (full penoplasty). There is no record if it worked, so I presume not!
But mine is male nullo to male and is a combination of the above! Let us look at it in stages.
Of course the penis starts at the prostate so the internal section would have to be prosthetic as I explained above. The medics are very confident they can kick-start my semen production. Prostate transplants have been done and are quite common but as I have a trace prostate they want to try to do something with that. They haven't made it clear. The prostate manufactures up to 35% of the average male's semen. If they can provide me with a working prostate and a functioning penis, there is a chance I should be able to masturbate and ejaculate at least. Not a whole lot of cum but it will be there. Wow!!!
The penectomy will be grafted on externally, I understand. As erection is now known to be caused by blood pressure and not neural activity, technically the external penis graft should be capable of erection. However, they need to use my own skin to protect it. If it is cut from other parts of my body it will be dead (neurally) once cut. But, it has been decided that there is sufficient flesh in my redundant crotch to cover up to 5.5 inches without cutting. So there will be sensation. Yay! Only 5.5 inches yes but that's 6 inches more than I have now! The biggest concern is the survival of the spongiosa through the procedure. This is apparently the substance in the shaft that absorbs the blood and sustains the erection. Ok, watch this space!
Then what of the vas deferens and seminal vesicles, carrying the sperm to the prostate. Well that surgery has never been achieved either, so no kids for me I am afraid. No seminal vesicles means my major producer of semen is lost but, hey, the prostate!
Ok, what about the testicles. Without a vas deferens, there is little point. You know what breast implants are? Looks like the silicon balls for me!
I have an offer on the table in early 2008 due to a male to female sex change. Should I wait a few years when such an offer is backed up by the surgical techniques to transplant the lot, penis, prostate, vas deferens, testicles? Well, I am now 44, it's now or never; I'll take what I can get!
However, still it is not a straightforward decision, and not just because there is no guarantee it will be successful. You see, there are several reasons I should say "No!"
(a) I am unable to generate Dihydrotestosterone (male reproductive hormone) in line with the genital deformity. neither can I metabolise it artificially. If I were to undergo a penoplasty, it could be purely symbolic and cosmetic; no more than another expensive way to pee lol.
(b) I have lived in the knowledge that I am different, special, unique! How would I cope psychologically with being just another guy in the crowd with a penis? I would no longer be the same person. That is tough!
(c) Imagine waking up with an extra arm growing out of your chest. How comfortable would you feel? So how long would my new kit be uncomfortable? And, not being used to it, how much damage could I do to it? It could be surgical roadkill in a matter of days.
(d) How many of my newly found friends actually like me because I am as I am, my courage, my individuality, my ability to laugh at myself? What if I became LESS popular rather than moreso?
(e) Now get this one! What if my sex life suddenly took off? I would psychologically know that it is the penis that has made the difference. In other words, the success belonged to the penis donor. In reality I would still be the same old dickless failure! What then would have been the point?
But, how do I keep a boyfriend. At the moment I refuse to commit, because I will not saddle anyone I potentially love with half a boyfriend. Because that is what I am. If there is a telling reason I will go under the knife, it is so that I can reciprocate. Then maybe I can feel love from within a relationship without cheating it.
And..... I do often tire of being different. If all my escapades at the naked clubs have changed my life for the better, why is that? Simply because I have become one of the lads? I hope so!
For the first time in my life I am nobody! The paradox of that is how beautiful it is!