This is not really an experience, but more of an article. It's an article about how body modification has changed my whole entire life.
At A Glance Author HappyBuddha Contact [email protected] Artist me, myself, and I Studio wherever i was living at the time Location Kentucky, USA When i was about 11 or 12 years old i started discovering people with piercings and tattoos. I thought that they were rebels, outlaws, and dangerous. I was incredibly naive. Over the next two years or so, my mind quickly began changing regarding these modified people. I looked at them as brave, artistic, and most of all, beautiful.
I began thinking what it would be like to have piercings and tattoos. I already had my ears pierced, but everyone had that done. I wanted to stand out. I never really stood out. I wasn't original. I wasn't liked by many. I wasn't ME. I hadn't found out who i was yet. YET.
Knowing that I could not possibly get any other piercings or tattoos, i experimented with temporary decorations. Falsey nose rings, henna tattoos, drawing on myself with magic markers. Much to the shagrin of my mother, I did this sort of thing quite often. I knew that i was doing something that was different. I couldn't put my finger on it then, but i know now, that i was finding myself.
Soon enough, the temporary body decorations simply wouldn't do. First, I decided to add more piercings to my ears. I thought "my mom should be ok with this." So, we went and got my second lobe piercings. I LOVED IT. The pain was minimal to the feeling i got of having this piece of metal actually go through my ear lobe. Once it healed, i would play with it often, loving how it felt to know that i had an earring go through my skin.
All this time, I'm still obsessed with drawing on myself and using things such as henna. Still, though, it seemed like something was missing from the whole experience. So, I kept searching.
Around the age of 15 years old, i became severely suicidal. I attempted three times. It may have just been a cry for help, but when the cuts healed, i was obsessed with touching and looking at the straight line scarred into my wrist. Forever.
That's it! Eureka! That's what all my temporary body modifications and decorations have been lacking. They're temporary! I wanted the rush of knowing i had modified my body for the rest of my life. So... here started my trip through self done body mods.
I guess it started with cutting. Mainly on my upper thighs so that no one would notice. I rarely wore shorts, so they would be well hidden. I took my exacto knife and would sit for a couple of minutes, just building up my courage to put the blade to my skin and drag it across with enough pressure to cut, and hopefully leave a scar.
These early scarifications were very shallow and did not produce any lasting scars. Dissappointed as i was, this just urged me on to try and leave more permanent, and noticable, marks. So, i began testing out cutting deeper and adding in the ink factor.
The first scarification/tattoo that i did that has lasted to this day were patterns on the inside of my ankles. Being a beginner, and a big freakin chicken, i took a simple needle, dipped in India ink, and began placing single dots in a pattern that looked much like an asterisk. When done, I was incredibly please. Unlike a scarification, this had absoloutly NO healing time. Minimal swelling, medium pain, and instant results. I WAS HOOKED.
I now have approximatly eight self done tattoos and scarifications. I have the matching "asterisks" on the inside of each of my ankles, a Mehndi inspired cutting on the inside of my right ankle, two diamond shaped dot patterns on the tops of my feet, a two dot pattern on my left breast, a "J" commemorating my friends suicide, and a line of star dot patterns on the right side of my left hand. The one on my left hand is my favorite. It's dark and quite visable.
I know people notice my scarifications, and some have given me strange looks. I know that I have been denied jobs on the basis of what i have done to my body. I now have eight ear piercings total, and the eight scarifications. I don't have any idea when i'll quit doing this to myself. I don't really think i see myself ever stopping. it makes me feel so much more beautiful. Each of my self done mods was done at a certain time in my life when i needed something to make me feel better. Scarring myself helped me heal. I can look at each of my scars and tell you why i did them and what was going on in my life then. Remembering them doesn't make me sad, it gives me the knowledge that i can survive. All my markings are a testament to my survival. I take them with me to my grave.