I started getting modified at 14. I had never even tried to pierce my lobes before that. My parents always said I could, I was always too scared. It was funny. I was a horseback rider, and a cutter. I started cutting at 13, but that's another story. After I had my earlobes pierced, I was hooked. I stupidly 'play' pierced my navel with a safety pin. What an adrenaline rush. Wow.
At A Glance Author San Contact [email protected] IAM BlueStar When It just happened I got my navel pierced. I showed people at school. I wasn't the loser. People said, "Wow, you're brave". The first time anyone had ever said something like that to me. The first time I wasn't teased, beaten up, harrassed by other people. The next fall I got my nostril pierced. I was terrified the next day. A visible piercing?! Whoa, no one did that! Sure, a few of the older kids. But not 10th graders. I went to school the day after, terrified. Everybody noticed. A few people that don't like me made stupid comments. Most people asked me how I had it done, if it hurt, etc. Wow. I was expecting to be shot down. I wasn't.
I continued to modify myself. I stopped cutting myself as much. I got more piercings. After I was pierced I would get a natural high, off of adrenaline. I was doing something I used to be scared of. I was in control. I pierced myself a few times. An amazing feeling. Stretching my lobes was fantastic. Permanent. I'm doing something that will effect me for life. I started stretching my lobes after I realized they COULD be stretched. Years later, I don't regret anything. I love my big holes, I can hardly imagine myself without them.
I can get up and look at myself in the mirror and see my reflection and I don't cry anymore. The scars on my legs from self mutilation have faded almost down to nothing. The scars on my arms no longer exist. I see myself in the mirror and I smile. I look at my symmetrical piecings and small tattoos and smile, and my mods give me something to look forward to. The day when I will be in complete control. Where a job will no longer care, when I can finally have the money and the time to carry out my further plans.
I have met some of the nicest people through modification. Some of these people have saved me, brought me back from the depression I suffered. I will admit, medication kills a good part of it, but a good image of myself helps a lot. Its hard to explain exactly how modifying myself has changed me. I feel I have turned negative energy into positive energy. I've never been pierced out of depression, because I'm in a shitty mood.
I find it amazing I'm one of the few that hasn't actually been discriminated much because of my mods. I find a lot of times they are great conversation starters. They have brought me out of my proverbial shell, I'm not so shy anymore. I can talk to people about it. Modifications are my way of expressing myself. Changing something I was given that I'm not very happy with. All of my modifications tell a story. And they're all positive.
Being able to find people with such common interests has opened me up a lot. If you compare pre-mod me to modded-me, there is a huge difference. I'm sure not all because of the mods, but a big part of it. My parents rarely object to my modifications. Whatever makes me happy, they say.
In a nutshell, I will say that modifying myself has helped me in ways I can hardly explain. My self esteem is much higher. I have something to look forward to each day. And, as I said on my IAM page, I will say it again: Body modification is a big part of my life. It brings me closer to myself and closer to other people. It is hard to explain, but modifying myself has changed me so much for the positive. If I were trapped on a desert island, I wouldn't take out any of my piercings, unless they caused me problems. I'd be pissed because I couldn't get any mods I wanted, however. I modify myself for myself.
Modifications have made me learn not to care what other people say. If I'm happy with my appearance and myself, then no one else matters. This sounds like I'm saying I modify myself mostly for aesthetics. Yes, aesthetics are a big part. If I don't think something will 'work' with me, I don't do it. However, I'm sure many can relate, there is something else that is so drawing to modification, that is almost impossible to explain.