Abuse Survivor Issues
At A Glance
Author theSearcher
Contact [email protected]
IAM theSearcher
When Three months ago
Location @home

Playing Safe With Temporary Genital Modification
(from a male survivor's point of view)

Mental Health (Cause & Effect?)

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
-Albert Camus

I haven't really seen this issue discussed in any significant detail here on BME, but I feel it is important to touch on this subject for those who may be dealing with similar circumstances. During my childhood, (4 to 14 years of age) I endured extreme emotional/physical/sexual abuse at the hands of a woman to whom my father had basically abandoned me. (I may or may not place a link on my IAM page to the web site detailing those experiences) In my case, it wasn't until I reached 39 years of age that I felt I had grown to the point where I could safely start exploring some of the "darker" areas of my sexuality. It has, and continues to be a difficult journey as I will never really know if my true interest in these activities is rooted in a genetic or psychological source as I was "introduced" to the world of adult sexuality at around five or six years of age.

I used the word safely, as the legacy of my childhood was among other things, cycles of clinical depression, extremely low self esteem, obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, disassociation, addictive tendencies, flashbacks, negative self talk, a suicide attempt and so on and so forth. In other words, I was 100% normal for someone who had experienced intense childhood abuse. I somehow intrinsically knew that I had to work past all these issues before allowing myself to explore this area. Please understand that I am not saying I have completely resolved or healed the emotional damage, only that I have acknowledged it, understand how it effects my behavior and have found a way to live with it while minimizing the effects on my daily life. To be quite frank, being able to access sites such as BME has proven to be a mental lifesaver for me. I feel that no amount of "official" therapy could have given me the sense of comfort and normalcy I now have about my sexual interests. Remember, "official" channels had until the mid '70's, even classified homosexuality as a mental disorder according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

If you have experienced similar trauma in your past, I sincerely urge you to be introspective of your desires as some of these practices can be extremely dangerous if performed in an unsafe manner, both from a physical and emotional perspective. Do your best to ensure you are not acting out abuse scenarios in order to self-harm. If you are a bottom or submissive, be extremely careful when choosing a Top; not everyone will have your best interests (physical/emotional) as their main priority. If you do not feel safe with someone, listen to your heart and don't play. As an abuse survivor, your instincts will generally be better than average in this regard. A genuine Top will never coerce you into an activity that you are not ready to proceed with. This is a completely different scenario than "pushing your limits" in a safe, sane & consensual manner as all the FAQ's preach.

Physical Health

Shop for a physician! There are many community based resources that can give you a referral listing of doctors in your area. Conduct your first visit as an interview. It is imperative that you feel comfortable discussing your life-style and play activities with your doctor. By making your doctor aware of these things, should you need to be referred to a specialist, they will be able to ensure they are sending you to someone who is open minded and aware of the possible health risks of the life-style. Be an active participant in your health care and don't be afraid to ask for detailed explanations.

Since moving into a new area a number of years ago, I had put off this very thing until last October. I finally found someone I was comfortable with, the end result being the discovery of an infection in my prostrate that was in all likelihood, caused by unsafe play practices due to my own ignorance at the time. I am now much more aware of the importance of setting up a clean/sterile field, making sure my hands and toys are clean and when required, sterile. I don't feel there is a need to be unduly obsessive about it, but when we loose respect for proper procedures due to an attitude of complacency, accidents become much more prone to occurring.

A personal anecdote: For reasons briefly noted in the opening paragraph of this article, I have an intense fetish for petroleum jelly and among other things, have used this as a preferred lubricant since starting urethral play. I was concerned that I may be leaving myself open to another bladder infection, so after doing the obligatory research on the net, I asked my doctor of the risks associated with getting petroleum jelly into the bladder via the urethra. The bottom line in a nutshell - he queried me to ensure I was in a non-abusive relationship (this was very reassuring!) and, ... stay tuned for an article on bladder infusion with petroleum jelly.

Consumable's / Toys

BME Shop, on the Canadian side and ChaseUnion, on the American side of the border are both sites where one can purchase many interesting toys and supplies. One source that may be overlooked by many is their local retail medical or surgical supply shop for the high volume consumable's. (in the town where I live there happens to be one on the main street) I primarily purchase disposable pads in both 25x35 and 25x17 sizes (they make cleanup a breeze) latex gloves, antiseptic wipes and 60ml urethral catheters. Intrestingly enough, the older couple that own the shop and are well aware that I use the items as play toys and are extremely helpful and friendly. They even give me a 10% discount! Sterile irrigation saline is an inexpensive purchase in both 500ml and 1000ml sizes from the local discount drug store by special order and sterile injectable saline is readily available in the same sizes from BME Shop at a competitive price for those who live in Canada. Stay away from contact lens solutions; there are potentially dangerous additives in these products and they are also much more expensive by volume.

Many of the above mentioned items are designed for single use only and IMHO with 20/20 hindsight, it simply isn't worth the health risk of a potential life threatening infection for the sake of a three to five dollar item. For example, a Foley catheter is about $3.50 and attempting to chemically sterilize one for re-use would probably cost about the same. A prescription to clear a moderate bladder infection (CIPRO: 500mg every twelve hours x 10 tablets) runs about $37.00. Autoclaves are one way of sterilizing reusable toys such as sounds, but at a cost of about 2K for a new one, they are probably out of the price range of most of us. Used ones however, seem to go for around $300.00 to $700.00 on e-bay. A pressure-cooker capable of achieving 15psi works well as a poor-mans autoclave, and the cost is in the $100.00 range.

Intoxicants

Almost all of the documentation I have read regarding BDSM play simply covers this issue with the official (simplistic) party line of "just say no". Sure, and everyone here in Toronto drives at or below the speed limit. If you feel that you shouldn't use a particular drug due to possible adverse negative effects or safety concerns for yourself or your partner then don't, but if you are going to use drugs such as alcohol, cannabis, poppers and the like while playing, understand the effects they have on your mental awareness and conduct yourself accordingly. I am not condoning drug use, but rather, personal responsibility.

In my case, smoking cannabis beforehand allows for two very beneficial, related effects. It allows me to experience the ritual/play at a high enough intensity level that I am able to placate obsessive/compulsive behavior that I had previously been unable to control since my early 20's, and in conjunction with that, allows me to "step back" and enjoy the play without getting an analytical cause/effect loop of my behavior going on in my head.

Sourcing Genital Modification and Related Health Information on the Internet

With the wealth of good (and bad) information available on the Internet, it is incredibly easy to self educate, and in fact not doing so is a self injustice. A few of my favorite search engines are Google, Vivisimo, Dogpile and Northernlight. If these aren't to your liking, do a search on "search engines". It is also important to realize that engines are sometimes geared to specific content, so just because you can't find information on one, doesn't mean you won't be able to find it on another.

I don't feel that I would be exaggerating in saying I have spent more than a hundred hours of time on the 'net researching the various "play" activities that interest me. In educating myself for one of my specific kink area's, I have found the following search phrases to have returned the most relevant information and included links to ones I found particularly useful:

Henry Grey's classic 1918 publication, Anatomy of the Human Body provides many easy to understand illustrations and anatomical descriptions. Please, get to know the basic geography before blindly inserting objects into your body! Click here, here, here and here for some quick examples.

Document Date: January, 2002
Disclaimer: The experience above was submitted by a BME reader and has not
been edited. We can not guarantee that the experience is accurate, truthful,
or contains valid or even safe advice. We strongly urge you to use BME and
other resources to educate yourself so you can make safe informed decisions.

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