There are a lot of things wrong with the world. People, places, things. Everyone is just walking around alone together. It's a pretty sad place. I , on the other hand, am not sad. I look at myself as peaceful. Most people who know me would tell you that I'm loud and outgoing. That's just a wall that I put up for show. You can't let anyone know you these days. I'm not sure how long ago it started, but I always knew I had something missing. I always felt like a part of me just wasn't there.
At A Glance Author ripper Contact [email protected] When N/A Location USA In my short life of only 15 years, I have tried many things to make myself different. I've tried to tattoo myself. bruise myself, cut myself, pierce myself, and even kill myself. Many of the things I had once done I have abandoned, but some of them I still do. I have 18 piercings. I have done them all by myself. I have one tattoo, but I'm not really sure how to explain how I did it. I just always felt this need to change my body. I always felt this need to experience pain. I feel that I grow from pain, and that I learn something about myself each time I do what I do. I know some people think that it's wrong that I hurt myself, but I don't look at it as hurting myself. I look at it as helping myself, without this I would probably go insane. I don't think I would be here today, if I didn't do what I do. I thank Frances for that. I try to be like her, without taking hers or losing my identity, like so many others this day and age do.
I know from many years of experience (okay so it's only been 5) that the mod community is mostly male dominated. Yes, I am a girl. Yes I have piercings and I cut myself for fun. Get over it. I just can't understand why guys have such a hard time with girls who like pain. Well, in a society controlled by the white male, I can see why they would be afraid of a little girl who likes blood. I can't even imagine what would happen to me if I wasn't living in America. I really feel like people don't understand me at all. It's getting harder and harder for me to go outside everyday. Not because of heavy modification or anything, nothing I have is that extreme. It's just the fact that I feel alienated from everyone around me, even if I don't look that much different. I am looking forward to when I get older, then I get some of the heavy modification that I want done.
It's not just the fact that I'm a girl, it's the fact that I'm so young that really scares people. They have no idea what I'm capable of, and they think that I am wasting my future on some stupid dream. If wanting to be different is a crime, then please lock me up. Yes,I know. A girl is supposed to look a certain way and act a certain way. I wonder what they'll think of my implants when I get them. I plan to help the women of the mod community make it a better place. I mean no one says anything about liposuction, and I yet I have to defend my self because I like flesh stapling. Heaven forbid I poke some holes in the wrong place, or get a tattoo on my face. I am just looking forward to the day when I turn 18, and the things I can only dream about happening now, can maybe become a reality. I just want to love myself more.
What few friends I have their own views about body modification, but I know they rarely judge me. Sure they think some of the things I do are sick, but they always support me, and even stick up for me. One person who has always been there for me is my grandma. She doesn't understand everything that I do, but she stands by me none the less. She thinks of me as a unique, and different person, and has always accepted me for who I am. She never calls me a freak, and tells me not to ever let anyone call me one. She was the first one who opened my eyes to the fact that I could do things with my body. She said that each of us are different and that we are the only ones who can control what we say, what we do, what we wear, and how we look.
I know now that I cannot change what others think of me, but I can change what I think of myself. This has taken me the entire short time I have been on Earth to realize, but some that are 90 still don't know this. I hope that this can bring someone else some hope, and the feeling that they are not alone in their ways.