I have been into modification since I was a child. Always looking at ways to perfect and create what I thought would be a perfect appearance. Started with ear piercings at around 12 and involved many nights of play piercing until years later. At the age of 17 I started to stretch my ears and get more into piercings. I did so for myself.
At A Glance Author Ryan Contact [email protected] When A week ago Artist myself Piercing myself was a way of dealing with my manic depression, a disease which brought about many suicide attemps. Piercing was my solice through out all the hurt and pain I felt yet could not explain.
The years pass and the depression rages on, each time I felt down and out I would stretch my ears or pierce a part of my body. Each time the needle pierced my skin it was a victory for myself, every piece of jewelery was a badge of survival.
People all have different reasons for any form of modification. Mine were simply a way of dealing with the chaotic world around me. I might have lost control with reality at times but I still had control over my body. Something that I really cherish. I explained to all my friends and family the reasoning behind my mods and they all agreed that it was good that I had found a way to cope and go on with regular day life. I was happy with the general understanding I had recieved from what I thought was a very understanding family.
Recently I went home for a family affair and sat down at the supper table along side with my girlfriend (who doesnt exactly like the looks but accepts and loves me for who I am) and many family members.
I noticed my father looking at me out of the corner of my eye. I could see the look of discust draped across his face like a dark veil. I could sense the rage burning bright and hot inside of him, but I avoided saying anything because I care so much for family. This was the same man that had been so proud and loved me so much just weeks before. I could feel him staring at my ears which are stretched to 1" and wanting to rip them out. My facial piercings which include three lip rings, and two eyebrows also seemed to cause him alot of anger.
It was not until a week later that his family had come from across country to visit. I am living with friends so I dont see family too often. I called my mother to see if I should come over to visit with the family I havent seen in months and she told me she would call me back. I got a phone call that will forever haunt me. My father blew up at the dinner table and started yelling that he couldnt handle my looks, my hair, my appearance, he couldnt handle me and he couldnt love me.
So within minutes I received the news that my own father had disowned me over a few holes in my face. My mother defended me through out the entire happening but he did not care. He wouldnt have me as his son anymore because I was different. Because I did something that made me happy. I cannot fathom how love can be stopped. How love can turn into hate over night. I know now that when I have my child that he wont have a grandfather, or because my father is older and suffering from diabetes that I might not see him again until his funeral. There is no turning back. I have tried to talk to him. Even offered the take the piercings out but he said it wouldnt change a thing. All the memories and photos in my mind are all I have to really look on now.
Family is an extremly important part of life. You need that support structure who will be there for you through annything. Through the thick and thin. I am still extremly lucky to have the remaining family that I do and its valued. My mother stands by me through anything and it means the world to have someone who might not like the mods but still accepts me for the person I am.
Why am I writting this? For the simple fact that when people modify themselves they really have to look at everything and wonder if it is worth it. Is it something they need to do. In my case I needed to do it for my sanity and life. They are a huge part of me, I am not a huge part of them. My piercings have not changed me at all, the closest thing is they helped me becoming what I am today, if I had not done them I could easily be six feet under. So its just a warning that before you sit down and get pierced, think of what can really happen. Think of what can be lost over a piece of metal and weigh out the goods and bads. Just ask yourself if it is all worth it.