At A Glance
Author	destrss
Contact	[email protected]
IAM	destrss
When	A year ago

Freedom of Appearance
By Angela Kuhns

I have read many pages on iam.bmezine.com and a few articles here on BME about negative experiences with the public due to being modified. I, myself, have endured what I would call a 'higher level of flack' than most people and it got me thinking.

What can you do in the face of intolerance?
Is there any way to get through a negative situation without making matters worse and still feel you haven't betrayed or abandoned your sense of self?

I tend to not be very aggressive in public confrontations. Honestly, I am usually too stunned to say much at the time. Even when I feel I have every right to speak up, there are usually other reasons to hold my tongue. Many negative consequences, not to mention possible legal ones, keep me silent. Does that make me complacent? Hell no.

If we defend ourselves by retaliating with righteous indignation, that negativity will only prove the original biases in the minds of those who hold them. This situation calls for diplomacy and delicate tactful replies; focus and redirection. We need to show ourselves to be just in our actions and words. Sure, I want to kick the guy at the bar in the crotch when he reaches out to grab my breast to see if that lump is jewelry in my nipple. Of course I want to punch out the jerk in the store who felt it was his place to loudly proclaim that my tattoos make me a slut and a whore in front of my daughter. Yes, I want to scream at the people who come up and ask me personal questions that violate my privacy and cross most people's accepted lines of etiquette.

To be treated as less than human because of your appearance is infuriating at times. It can also be scary or depressing or just plain ridiculous. It isn't right. It isn't fair. It shouldn't happen.

But it does happen. Every day. So, what can we do?

Try to educate.
Answer the most disrespectful questions honestly and thoroughly. Most of those questions were rhetorical and a good solid answer throws those people off balance.

Try to show mercy to the merciless.
Anyone who verbally assaults you is usually looking for a fight. They expect retaliation. Don't give them the satisfaction.

Take positive action.
Don't just react out of raw emotion. Deal with it in such a way that you can walk away proud of yourself. Don't stoop to their level. Don't make matters worse.

And please, don't put yourself in danger over some ink or a bit of metal if you can avoid it.

My mother used to say that you just shouldn't care what others think. That's fine advice on the surface, but not very practical. I don't see how letting these judgments happen without defense can be a good thing. Feeding by accepting an idea just makes it stronger. When it is a stranger on the street, that is one thing but when it is members of your peer group it is another situation entirely.

I don't care if it's coworkers, other parents at your kid's school, fellow members of a social club or members of your church. These people will have some power over you if you allow it.

Ever face discrimination due to your modifications?
Ever been investigated by Child Protective Services?
Ever been denied access to a club?
Ever been escorted out of a store or refused service?
Ever not been allowed to volunteer somewhere?
Ever been denied employment or lost your job?
Ever been treated differently by someone you are paying for a service?

It happens every day and there really are no laws to protect us. So what do we do? How do we approach the pre-learned stereotypes that impact our lives? Do we cover up? Do we hide? Do we just smile and take it? Try to ignore it? Accept it as a consequence of our choices? How about doing something about it?

Raise Awareness.
Rant to your friends or write an article and submit it to your local paper. Call or write to T.V. and radio stations. Write and publish a book. Create a website on the internet. Call up a professor who teaches a class on adversity at the local college and ask for advice. Organize a rally. Take all that negative energy and turn it around.

As people who have chosen to modify ourselves in ways that can bring adverse reactions, we have also chosen a chance to be advocates for a minority. But it is just another option, not a requirement. Of course you don't have to do anything to try and make this world a better place for the modified.

All I am asking is that you don't make it worse.