I have had an eating disorder for 11 years now. It has almost killed me. In April 2001, I was given 6 months to live. Obviously, that didn't pan out for the medical community.
At A Glance Author Hot Girl Tootie O! Contact Hot Girl Tootie [email protected] When N/A Artist various Studio Various (Tattoo Time, Ancient Art, Blue Devil) Location Various (Orlando area and Tampa) I wish I could say that I'm all well and healthy. Unfortunately, true recovery still eludes me and is just beyond my reach - I spent my birthday this year at the Emergency Room, being treated for dehydration and various fluid shortcomings.
I got my latest tattoo a few weeks ago and it struck me that there runs a fine but distinct line between my battle with an eating disorder and my body modification history. In fact, I think my body shows the battle that I am (hopefully) winning.
Whether an eating disorder is a cause or an effect is a subject that can be debated ad nauseum. Shit, I've seen most of the mental health professionals in Orlando and even they don't know. However, I think it's safe to say that those with eating disorders also have major problems with their self image - enter my body modification saga.
I got my first tattoo when I was 22 - just a simple lizard on my right shoulder. I could rarely be talked in to short sleeves, let alone sleeveless items - but now! I had something to show off, right?! Little by little my sleeves got shorter and shorter and I noticed, well, that no one else really noticed. If I was where tattoos were "common place," nobody batted an eye and if I was at somewhere more uptight, say the Republican National Convention, well then everyone just stared at the tattoo.
The more I went through this process, the more I began to reveal my body, to others but more to myself. Dude, wait, I'm not talking about any psycho-sexual stuff...I just mean body acceptance. Every tattoo I've gotten since is a testament to going on, to fighting to get better, to never give up no matter how desolate you feel or how much your heart is broken.
My two favorites were both done at Ancient Art in Orlando (in my opinion, best for "free form" drawing down here) - a pretty big one on my lower back that quotes Louisa May Alcott (I am no longer afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my own ship) with big waves framing the text. The other favorite is my latest one and it's a tribal/eastern kinda thing based on a quote by Nietzsche (One must still have chaos in oneself in order to be able to give birth to a dancing star).
Because of these, and all my others and my couple of piercings (sorry grandma!), I am a walking symbol of strength - my strength, the strength that others have given me, the strength that I continue to seek.
I have a very, very professional job in a very conservative atmosphere. Actually, very important/very, very conservative - that's more like it. My various accoutrements are not visible at work, if they were, I would most likely be fired.
I've been passed over for love affairs, friendships, opportunities due to my body modifications and I don't understand why really. I wish I could make people understand that all this "stuff" that you deem so "loco radical" has played a big part in keeping me alive.
For some of us, sometimes the pain on the inside just gets so bad and I suppose I take it out on my skin. Maybe it's wrong but it's there and the physical pain connects you and when it's over, it's over, and you're left with a permanent reminder that you are stronger than the crap life throws at you - you will survive.
Again, I wish I could say that this journey ended with me well and happy and healthy - not yet. There are still days I cry because I think I look horrendous, I still tried to point out my fat ass when I was medically underweight, I still (at 31) have no true idea what I look like. But thanks to my introduction to tattoos and piercings, I have come to more often regard my body as a canvas. And maybe I don't feel that the canvas is beautiful enough yet, but the art work that appears there is beautiful indeed.
postscipt - I have been asked to be in a friend's documentary about body modification and the reason people choose it. The dudes have to get the funding up so I'm not holding my breath, not to mention it would be just my luck that I would do it, it would be on cable and one of our senior management staff would choke on his scotch in his fancy leather chair in his library where he just pretends to read all those books. However, I do have that tattoo picked out should they film to process. It's going to be text and pictures based on William Blake's "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell." It's this verbose poem thing but some of the lines just get me. I'll share a few...some food for thought:
The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.
Prudence is a rich, ugly old maid courted by Incapacity.
He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence.
A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.
He whose face gives no light, shall never become a star.
The busy bee has no time for sorrow.
The hours of folly are measur'd by the clock; but of wisdom, no clock can measure.
No bird soars too high, if he soars with his own wings.
A dead body revenges not injuries.
The most sublime act is to set another before you