Every morning I wake up hating the sun, I hate it because it wakes me from the dreams that I love. Sometimes I wish I lived in my dream world, the world I have created for myself that is safe and free from heartbreak. But even as a 17 year old with little "real" life experience, I know that never waking up is not the answer.
At A Glance Author Carly Banner Contact Carly [email protected] IAM css_cjb When It just happened It was in the middle of my battle with suicide that I stumbled upon BME. At first glance I took it for just another website, a waste of the little time and energy I had. But upon taking a closer look, I realized that this wasn't just a mere website, rather it was a community. Actually it was the only community I ever felt I would be accepted in.
At the time I found BME I already had several piercings, and had plans for many more. Body modification was one of the only steady things in my life, it was also one of the reasons I am seen as an outsider. Its funny how a persons escape from the world that they are already not accepted in, alienates them further. It didn't bother me so much that people didn't accept my body modifications, because my reasons for getting them were purely personal.
I submitted my first experience to BME in the summer of 2002. It was my one last attempt to try to fit in, in a world I already hated. My experience was approved shortly after I submitted it, and I gained access to the wide world of BME. I spent hours on BME reading experiences and slowly but surely learning I wasn't alone in the world.
It wasn't until a month after I had become a member of BME that I finally signed up for IAM. I set up my page over the span of a few days, and then began writing frequent diary entries. It was almost alien to me to be able to write what was on my mind, and not be looked at like I was a freak or an outsider.
I truly believe that it was the people on IAM who made me realize that life was worth living. That even though times can get tough and things may seem like they will never turn around, there are people out there who care about you too much to just end your life. So rather than focus on the negative in my life, I began to invest time into designing the tattoo that would represent the sadness I had felt for so long, but also represent my new found belief that life lasts an eternity and should not be tampered with.
I am not what you would call an artist, not even close. My drawings come out looking like a four year old had randomly scribbled something on a page. So, it took me months to perfect the design. I ended up with a thick black outline of a star encompassing the Greek symbol for eternity, which also represents water and independence. The outline of the star was then outlined by a second star; the second star didn't have a straight outline but rather was made up of several black spikes.
I tend to rush into the things I do, and get them done on the spur of the moment, but the fact that I knew this star would be with me forever gave me reason to wait until I was sure it was exactly what I wanted. Over the next few months I made several small adjustments to my design, and now I feel it is exactly what I want. Now all I have to do is wait until I turn 18, and then I can adorn my body with the reminder that life is meant to be lived.
I hope that the final step of getting the tattoo brings me as much joy as the steps which took place to design it. I hope that it allows me to reclaim the life that I have let the outside world control for way to long. I urge anyone who feels that life is not worth living, to take a closer look at the situation at hand, and then seek help. Help can be found anywhere and everywhere, but the best help is most often found in places we would not even consider looking. I hold the IAM community close to my heart, because they offered help without expecting anything in return. I for one know that asking for help is not any easy thing to do, but the people of IAM reached out their hands to help a person they didn't even know.
I thank Shannon for creating BME and IAM; otherwise I would probably not be here today. Body modification has allowed me to express who I am, and is a way to release all the anger I have, without using a permanent solution, to the problems I know are most likely temporary.