A little under a year ago I had no future. I was a depressed little wreck. I hated my body and the very skin I was in. I envied the other people that were happy, living their life whilst each day I was plotting ways to die. Soon Bulimia and Depression were my best friends in the world; they comforted me when nothing else could. As a small child I was sexually abused and hated my body and myself. Over years, this was apparent from the scars across my arms, wrists, hips and my small-emancipated frame. I had nothing to turn to as a release. I was lost, confused and scared. After 6months in a unit I managed to get better, I'm not sure how I did it but I did. However, without the cutting and general self-destructive behaviours, I felt so empty. Like I had been stripped of everything that I had ever known, I had lost my friends, depression and self-harm.
At A Glance Author anonymous Contact [email protected] When N/A At this point I only had gunned ears but they were my pride and joy. I would try to buy earrings as often as I could. My proudest day was the day I'd managed to get a 3mm stretching spike through my ears. Although I had split my ears and I wouldn't recommend using the method I used (skipping 2 gauges and hoping for the best) I felt somewhat complete. Like the missing link in my life had finally been filled. Caring for them took my mind of everything I was going through. Each night I would care for my spilt lobes. Salt soaks and downsizing took care of that. From this moment I knew that there was no going back. I had found my haven; instead of being destructive it was my way of looking after myself in the only way I knew how. Stretching soon became an addiction for me, whenever I got down or scared I would visit my local piercing shop and go up a gauge
My first real piercing was my nape, which was pierced just over a month ago. I knew that on that day my life wouldn't ever be the same. Since then my life has changed dramatically. I can see the beauty in the more extreme modifications now and why people feel the need to change themselves and need to be individual. Body modification for me is a way of escaping the horrors of my past through expressing myself and trying to change my body. It's about changing myself so much that I'm not how I was when I was first abused. It's about learning to like who I am and if the only way I can do that is by changing myself, then that's what I have to do. It's one of the only things in my life that I have complete control over. I'd be so lost without it. Lots of people ask me why I like getting peircings. I never tell them the truth. The truth is that different people deal with abuse in different ways, but I've found a way that I can deal with. I know it might seem strange and I know that getting metal inserted in to myself will make me less socially acceptable but I guess in a way that's what I want. So that it never happens again.
Since my nape piercing I've found that people have treated me completely different to how they used to. My close friends have just accepted that I'm still the same person that I always have been. Some of them have left me. It's funny how when you finally learn to accept who you are, there's always someone who wants to drag you down and wills you to fail. It's just like the only world I feel I fit in to leaves me mocked by other people. Reading other peoples experience lets me know that I'm not the only the only one that's feeling the way I do. I still battle daily with my feelings but unlike last time I have somewhere to go. My place to escape this time is a website. Through this website I've learnt that all types of modification are beautiful in their own right, that people are pushing themselves to new extremes and that I am not the only person who is recovering from their past.
Thank you Bme for teaching me about myself. Thank you for teaching me that other people that have been through similar things that I have. I know that I can get through anything. Through IAM I've met a lot of people who value me for me. Although I still don't particularly like myself yet, I'm sure that eventually I will be happy in my own skin. Recovery takes time. Thank you for helping me to realise this and helping me to find new ways to modify myself.