So where am I now?
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copyright Alexander trowell 2003
I was just sat reading an interesting article on BME, and suddenly I felt very inspired. My name is Alexander Trowell, I consider myself english, though I have lived in Norway most my life (Norway, Europe by the way.). While writing this I am 21 years of age.
I guess I'm writing this to enlighten myself on why I have chosen the path of body modification, why I have doubts about getting certain mods done, and why I do others. And if I can come to any conclusions that may be useful to anyone else, then that's great I suppose. My journey has started twice in a way. What I mean by journey by the way, is my discovery of myself through modifying my body, so far the most exciting path I have been on. I hope this doesn't come out sounding like total poetic and dramatic bullshit. I really hope it doesn't.
While I was 15 or 16, I had my first piercing, a nipple piercing. But that wasn't really about modification. That was about being cool, and fit in with the people I hung out with. I don't know where I stand on that today. In one way, I think it's great that piercing has become as mainstream as it has. But then, I think it's terrible as well. It all depends on the perspective you choose to see it from really.
It would be wrong of me to judge the kids that get their tongues, their labrets and their navels done. That's where I started out, and I love where it has brought me.
The second starting point of my journey was set right after I turned 18, in 2000. I got my first proper piercing, a labret, and some tattoo flash on my left pec. I did this very impulsively, and as per today, my only regret is that the flash makes it harder to get the tattoos I want now. But that's okay, regret is fine as long as I see a way to fix it, or live with it. And I do.
After getting this work done, I was quite laid back as far as modification went, and until a friend of mine showed me bmezine, I was totally unaware of the extremely large range of things I could get done. If someone told me what I'd look like at 21, in front of that mirror I got my nipple pierced, I wonder if I'd have believed them. Not that it matters. I am here now. As I mentioned, I was shown bmezine, and I was mesmerized. Never before had I seen so much freaky stuff, never before so much cool stuff. Never had I imagined I'd ever be on the cover! (*showing off!:)*)I think it was only days from my first glance at bmezine, till I was stood at my local piercing studio asking them nicely for an appointment to get a p.a. done. From that moment on, I was sold! My interest gradually grew, and I think at this point, that it has outgrown the majority of people in Norway's interest in it at least. I have most my knowledge and input from bmezine, and for that I owe them big time! Thanks to bmezine, I know about suspension, I know about genital sculpting, I know about transdermal implants and tonguesplitting. This could go on for a while, but you get my drift. Most importantly, I know that there are many individuals out there sharing my opinions on various things, and I know that there are people out there not becoming what the government and the media wants them to be. And I love that. I mean, to me, not accepting everything the mainstream represents and not following the easiest paths to life oozes of respect. If you dare be different, then I believe you have definitely achieved something positive.
I might come off as a poser. I love piercings, I love tattoos, I love being able to alter my body without the consent of anyone but myself. I love testing my physical limitations, and I love telling people about it. If they ask I mean. My reasons for modifying myself are becoming more personal and deep nowadays though, so I do not share as much as I used to. Parts of this is probably for fear that I will come off as a poser. I need the people around me to either not give a shit about my mods, or if they do give a shit, then I want them to see that my mods aren't just about looking different (Quite contradictive to what I said earlier, I know.), that they are beautiful to me, and that they mean something to me. If asked why I have stretched ears, why I stretch my tongue, why I have tattoos, or why I do what I do really, I wish I had one concrete answer. But it's really hard to answer that. I usually just tell them I think it looks nice, and they usually follow up by asking if I've considered what they'll look like when I'm 60 or some other age. My answer has become sort of automated to that one really, I tell them "I have to live in the present, if I think only of the future my cravings and desires may go unfulfilled, and I think that would be a lot harder to deal with when I'm stuck at an old people's home, than looking ever so different."
I do get a little offended by the ignorance that the people asking that second question show me. Do these people honestly think I haven't thought of the huge impact my actions inevitably will have on my future? Don't they think I can already feel that impact? Do these people think I am an ignoramus? That I have a brain dysfunction if you will? The first question however is a very valid question as far as I am concerned. But it is hard to find one answer.
Possible answer formulations may sound something like;
"I like standing out from the crowd."
"I think they look nice."
"They are personal."
"They are personal reminders."
"I like testing my own limits."
"I like studying people's reactions to them."
Ooh, this could just go on forever couldn't it? I'm sure there are people out their who has their mods purely for the esthetics, or purely for their functions (i.e. sexual, statements, belonging etc..), but I'm also sure the majority of people who are modified have many reasons for what they do.
If there is one thing that I like more than anything about the body modification lifestyle, is that there are so many seemingly intelligent people that have embraced it. As in any scene/community, there are angry people here, there are narrow minded people here, and there are plain stupid people here. But if there wasn't, it wouldn't seem very human. I think the thing that separates it from many other scenes and communities, is that the majority of people here are quite open and accepting to other people. Shannon Larrat may have made my vision a bit blurred with his excellent writing, and I may be wrong, but I believe people embracing this lifestyle are generally more open and accepting (Don't get me wrong, A few mods is not the key to intelligence, or social intelligence for that matter.). I am now referring to those devoted to this lifestyle, not to the teen rebels who are in it for a little while and then gradually fade out. And I'm not at all, believe me, not at all against that. I love the fact that body modification can be a tool of expression. However, these individuals are not necessarily part of the lifestyle. Wow, this makes me sound like a arrogant little bastard, doesn't it? Well, I don't mean to, I'm just trying to express my thoughts I suppose. I just read through this document, and I want to add something I think is relevant to my connection to the modification scene/community. Before I started getting piercings, I used to experiment through the clothes I wore, and through my actions. I used to dress extremely different from all my friends, especially when we went out at weekends. In a way, this was a way of modifying my appearance, that was suitable for me because it didn't interfere with my job, family life, etc. I dressed like this for one main reason; to shock people. I loved reading people's reactions, and although it got my ass kicked a couple of times, it was very much worth it. At the first climax of the modification journey, I think that's the mentality I had again. I kept on getting more and more piercings, and I read people's reactions from them. When I felt done with that, I started taking most of my piercings out, and instead personalize the few (Today I have 5.) I had by stretching them. The main reason for my stretching is pure esthetics, with the proof of achievement stretching gives me in a close second place. They also make me feel alive and unique on the outside as well as on the inside. Which reminds me, one of the favorite arguments that I have heard when explaining why I'm pro-modification in any way is a comparison to the medias pressure on girls to stay lean, even skinny. It's my favorite because it's an issue I can relate to. I am not in any way a fan of huge billboards with skinny chicks showing of swimwear. I am not a huge fan of silicone implants in the lips or the breasts. I am not a huge fan of penis lengthening for that matter. However, I am only against it if the motive behind these mods are wrong. If a person gets modified because they feel forced to, then that is not right. A modification should make people feel good, but it should be "pressured" upon no-one! Does that make any sense? It should! My motto in life is "as long as it doesn't harm yourself or others, you're ok!", and I believe getting modifications for the wrong reasons can be self destructive.
So where am I now really? I have managed to successfully integrate modifications into my life. My interest and fascination with modification has just kept on growing for these past years. I feel the time has come to get to the next stage of this subculture I feel so strongly I belong to. I believe that's what I'll gradually do as well. And I believe that's what I'm gradually doing by for example writing this. Don't hesitate to take contact for any questions. Take care of yourselves, and who knows, maybe we will meet in the future.
Sincerely yours, Alexander Trowell