A few months ago, I took a big step in the modification world and got the back of my neck tattooed. I love this tattoo not only because it looks great and was done very well, but because it opened the door for me. The door to where, you may ask?
At A Glance Author SpikeyAnnie Contact [email protected] IAM SpikeyAnnie When N/A The door to really finding out not even *who* I want to become, but *how*. I mean, *really* finding out. Never denying myself an experience for the wrong reasons, again. It was sort of a renewal of my artistic statement with my body modifications, in a sense.
When I say "the wrong reasons" I mean, the reasons many people throw at me every day. How will you feel about it all when you are older? How will you find work? People will treat you differently. How could you do this to yourself? What will your family think?
These are so-called "reasons" for perhaps *not* getting certain modifications done. I will briefly explain the answers behind these questions as best as I can.
First of all, my family has become far more accepting of body modification than they think they are. The mere fact that they still talk to me and are loving, caring people towards me, is something I am very thankful for. I have a lot of faith that no matter what I choose to "do to myself", they will come around and love me no regardless of what is on or in my skin. Maybe I'm wrong; maybe there is a breaking point for them and I just haven't hit it yet. But I'll just have to find out. If they stop accepting me for who I am, that's their loss.
As for the job issue, I truly believe that there is something out there for everybody to do, that will bring them success. Yes, it will be harder, but it's hard anyway with this economy, and I also feel that any company who refuses to hire me due to some pigheaded dress code, is not worthy of my services anyway. I am not going to compromise myself for anyone anymore. I see so many things every day that offend me and distract me and disturb me on a great level, but I never bother those people about their personal choices, so I don't think I should ever be expected to compromise on the choices I make.
And as for me getting older and how I will feel about all of this when I am 60 years old, this is a decision that I have made for life, and I want to make that clear to everybody. This is so important to me, that I *know* I will still feel like it is the right decision, even when I'm 60 and yes, I might still have that scar from my first facial piercing ever (right eyebrow; it rejected) and a whole shitload of tattoos, ink rubbings, whatever. But they are just as much a part of me as my own heart and everything about my life and I will love them forever.
The bottom line is, it's my goddamn skin, and I'm pretty attached to it. I am in love with my skin and it is because of the modifications that have been made to it. If my biggest concern at the age of 60 is the saggy quality of one of my tattoos or something, that's pretty sad. I hear of people getting modified all the time for the wrong reasons and I think those are the people who end up possibly regretting the tattoo they got from a scratcher when they were 19 and drunk.
And as for being treated differently, well, of course people treat me differently. They always have. Why? Because I believe that I am an exceptional person. I have always had a different way of looking at the world and I'm used to being treated "differently" because of it. So hell, bring it on!
Having said all this, I guess I'm wondering something, deep down inside of me (though it is slowly surfacing). Aside from financial issues, what the hell is stopping me? What is stopping me from doing what I want regardless of the reasons I have mentioned before?
These "reasons" are, after all, only things to be considered- I believe that if you feel like you *need* a modification from a spiritual standpoint, you shouldn't let these things be the deciding factor. Why let somebody else ever decide your fate, especially the fate of your body and your soul?
Why am I balking at the idea of tattooing my head? Why do I care what others will say- why would that matter now, when I already have plans for my arms, which are surely more visible than my scalp, which is generally covered by at least stubble?
Why does my mind come to a hesitant stop at the idea of transdermal implants, which I have been thinking about for approximately a year now? My neck tattoo helped me to push away my doubts, because my doubts are in place for all the wrong reasons. My doubts will spiritually cripple me if they win. I know in my heart that I do not want to ever let other people's opinions and ideas, dictate what I do with my life and my skin. So if I know this, why does the voice of mainstream, "reality" society still dig into my thoughts like a scalpel?
There is a line in an Oingo Boingo song called "Insanity" that goes like this: "I am not part of your well-oiled machine." And I am not part of it. I do not fit with what society has so graciously (sarcasm greatly intended) lain out for me: grow up, go to college, get married, have kids, live in the suburbs, get a nice little secure, well-paying, boring job that you will hate but do anyway, and then die. I have told my friends that if I ever decide to buy into that, they can shoot me! But in all seriousness, I know that is not my fate, for the simple reason that I don't want it to be.
I really need to get past the final hurdle of modifying myself, because I know that is where I need to be, from a spiritual standpoint. I also know that society is still doing its dirty trick of making me think that I can't do the things I want to do. I have never been one for confrontation and for explaining myself, and maybe I feel like I will have to be that way if I choose to do a more visible ink rubbing or other scarification, or if I decide that I want a facial tattoo.
Why? I am asking the people who badger me about my mods, who ask their questions to me. I am turning it around and asking them. The question is not, why do I do this to myself, the question is, "Why are you trying to stop me? Why can't you leave the modified people alone and let them continue their spiritual quest while your spirits atrophy because you let others rule your life? Why are you so afraid to see the modified folk, who are so at ease with themselves- so what if they voluntarily stick scalpels, needles, dermal punches, et cetera, into their skin to get their spiritual fix? In all blunt honesty, who the fuck are you to try to stop them?"
I am sure I'm not the only one who has hit a "wall" like this. I know I will get past it and I will achieve the individual freedom that I want. I guess it's sort of odd to me that half of why I resent the potential rudeness of the unmodded, is because in a small but very real way, they are holding me back. However, I think this is an important realization for me to make.
In the meantime, as I break down my wall that others have only perpetuated with their questioning, maybe all of us modified people need to start questioning the members of society who question us. Just don't forget- never sink to their level, no matter how rude their questions get. Be assertive and be strong, but be better than them too.