I have made a decision recently. I have made the decision to be celibate and asexual. While this may not surprise many people, the feedback and comments I have gotten both from the modded and unmodded community have surprised me, as well as some of the assumptions made about who I am, how I look, and what I stand for.
At A Glance Author Destoryed Contact [email protected] When N/A First of all, let me state the reason behind my decision. I ended an important relationship in December, and previous to that, had not been involved emotionally or sexually for 2 1/2 years. I am very choosy about the people I date and sleep with, and I find very few appealing.
My previous relationship ended horribly, as did my most recent. No one was overtly at fault, we were just incompatible in some way. Yet, I am a person that connects very deeply with people I am intimate with, and when the relationship ends, I feel almost like I have lost a part of my identity. I am basically a happy person most of the time, and I don't like being miserable for months.
I had something very odd happen to me though, after the end of this one. It was a like a switch flipped inside me, and I had a full blown anxiety attack. The only thought that flashed through my mind was "That's it. You're done. You've likely got another 2 1/2 years ahead of you before you have sex again, if you can even bring yourself to risk that pain". I couldn't stand the idea of being celibate, because I am by and large a very sexual person. Sexuality is a big part of who I am, or rather who I was, and the thought of being "done" from anywhere from several months to several years did not sit well.
This left me with a few options. One was a stranger...just go to a bar and pick some random, willing guy up. It was an option I considered for quite some time actually, but could never quite go through with. One reason is that I cannot enjoy intimate relationtions without SOME sort of emotional connection there. The other reason was the threat of disease or bodily harm. You know nothing about a stranger or his or her tendencies toward violence, etc, and even if they are safe in that respect, no condom is 100%.
The other option was a "friends with benefits" arrangement, but much like the Loch Ness Monster, it's claimed to exist but no one has ever actually seen it. Someone almost always ends up getting attached, and someone almost always ends up getting hurt when those expectations aren't met by the other person. No way was I getting hurt again, and no way was I causing someone else that kind of hurt.
I also found, the more I thought about it, that I really have no use for a relationship or a companion. I do not plan to marry, and have been a loner all of my life. I am perfectly happy in my own company, and often a relationship just interferes with my hobbies, my schedule, and my alone time. I had a platonic room mate once, and he only served to get on my nerves after a week. I just don't need or want someone in my life or in my house. I have a small circle of real friends, who if I were in need would do all they could to help me, and I for them. But often, we go weeks without speaking to each other. This presented another problem...most people expect some time of relationship to go along with regular physical intimacy.
But this left me with the normal, healthy physical drives and desires of a 26 year old woman, no outlet for them, and an ever growing anxiety attack. I could hardly live like that, but I also couldn't risk/had no use for a relationship. The logical solution would be to masturbate, but that only made things worse for me...it's a crappy substitute, and only left me wanting for what I could not have.
I had a choice to make. Rather than put my physical or emotion wellbeing, or that of anyone else at risk, I made the choice to become asexual. I am still biologically female and heterosexual and plan as of this moment to make no alterations to my body or its chemistry. While I do use The Pill for dysmenorrhea, that is the only chemical or hormonal change I have made or will make to my body. Instead, I chose a more "mind over matter" approach.
The first thing I did about 3 months ago was purge all sexual material from my presence. This included any type of pornography and even any non-pornographic movie with any sexual content at all, any sort of sex toy, any sexually stimulating material at all. All of it went in the trash. Out of sight, out of mind....or so I thought.
Even if no overt sexual material is around, the body still has a mind of its own on occasion. As I already mentioned, for me, masturbation provided no relief and only compounded the problem. For a while, it was difficult to stop that, but eventually I did...whenever that mood hit me, I'd just go do something else and eventually it would pass. It hit a peak for a while where it was all I could think about, but that did work itself out of my system.
As for what this has to do with the modified community, it was more in the reactions that I got. Even with my strictly platonic male friends, I was always somewhat of a flirt; master of the double entendre, innuendo, and one liner. For some reason, I actually started getting irate whenever someone would make a sexual comment or reference. I just did not want to be around ANYTHING that might knock that drive and those feelings back into me.
Amonst my unmodded friends, the consensus was that there must be something wrong with me, that it's not "normal" for a healthy, 26 year old woman to do as I was doing. It's not that the drives weren't there, I just found ways to supress them and minimize them. It was a choice that I consciously made...not a part of any mental illness like clinical depression, as was often suggested.
Amonst my modded friends, however, the reactions were quite different and much more extreme. Some were actually amazed and dare I say appalled as to "how someone can live like that". I even got a few comments as to how "someone like us" can think like that. I pressed a few times for an elaboration, and the replies I got leaned toward the end of the spectrum that modded folks were more in touch with their bodies and their sexuality, and that it was REALLY not normal for someone in that mindset to give up their sexuality.
I think the most interesting comment I got was, well, then why did you pierce your nipple? I pierced my nipple to reclaim my body as mine. It was and is no more sexual to me than piercing my ear, or shaving my legs. Since it is generally a sexualized body part, that did figure into my decision, but it was not symbolic of sex or to enhance sex.
As a side note, I was asked to resubmit this because it did not relate enough to body modification. Tell me then, what the equivalent is for "castration" in a female. Sure, you can remove the clitoris, but it does not suppress hormones and libido like the removal of testicles would in a male. The only similar operation would be a hysterectomy, and failing that, menopause. Since I have no reason to have the first (I do not wish to enter menopause simply because sexuality is no longer a part of me) and I am too young for the second, this is the only way I have to "modify" my body in such a means right now. I feel this topic relates to body mods in that the comments I came across seemed to be that modded individuals were somehow more sexual than unmodded individuals, and this is the belief I felt relevant enough to write this experience. While the decision not to have sex is a common one for personal or religious reasons, the decision to deny ALL sexuality is much, much l ess common. If I were a male, I would happily remove my testicles to be rid of my libido for once and for all...unfortunately I have no testicles to remove.
I know I am not alone in this thinking or this decision. I know there are those out there that have gone to more "extreme" measures than I plan to, such as becoming eunuchs or using chemical means to supress the libido. Their reasons might be different, or they may be the same. But we are out there. I ask only that if you meet one of us and get to know us, to respect our decision. It is important to us, and a part of who we are. We are not abnormal, we are simply people who made the choice that was right for them. Whether we, or you, are modded or unmodded is inconsequential...we are people with free wills and free minds, and have just as much right as you to do or not do certain things. There is nothing wrong with us.