When done responsibly and for the right reasons, body modification is a profound act of investment in self. To some this may be perfectly obvious, to me the realisation was a great awakening.
At A Glance Author Titanium Angel Contact Titanium [email protected] IAM titanium_angel When N/A In my adolescent years, I hated my body. I fought my body, because I believed it hated me. From heavy painful periods, to being attractive to the twisted guy who sexually abused be as a teenager, it seemed my body was spiting me in some way. Some things are easy and effective to fight; the heavy painful periods were taken care of with the Pill. However, the deeper self-esteem issues were much harder to reconcile, and dealing with them was a long learning curve. I, like many other teenagers, was a self-harmer, and regularly cut myself with my trusty Swiss army knife. At first it was straight slashes here and there, later 'pictures' made out of slashes. It wasn't art, it was random acts of hatred against the body I was so angry with. The negativity of this has stayed with me ever since, and I am always aware of the need to consider whether a modification I want will serve as an adornment, or as a random means of taking out negative feelings and frustrations on my body. Sometimes the distinction can be very blurred, sometimes I still get it wrong. But I try and think about it all the same.
Modifications in the real sense have always been something I have longed for. Even my first humble gunned lobe piercings were done when I was almost thirteen years old, and I wanted them so much I could have burst. I remember my mum always believed you should wait until you were old and responsible enough to look after piercings; and, ultimately, she has been proved right. I often find myself waiting months, even years, for modifications, just to be sure I really want them and am committed to them in the long term. The most problematic modifications I have had are always those done on impulse without due consideration.
A piercing, a tattoo, a scarification, is an act of investment in self. It's not just an investment in terms of expenditure of money for a brief shot of pain and subsequent endorphin high, but rather it's about a long-term pact with your body to look after this new adornment. To keep it clean, to make sure it doesn't get damaged, to make sure that the modification stays looking as beautiful as it does the first time you see it in the mirror. Without wishing to sound to tacky, each time you get a modification, you are making a contract with your body; in return for adorning it, and the pleasure it will give you, you will take care of it, love it, nurture it.
Of course the long-term investment can sometimes be a chore, and I would be the first to admit to sometimes getting lazy about my aftercare; but my body repays me in kind for my phases of negligence with irritation, and reminds me where I should be focusing my efforts. Patience is of the essence, but it's a long-term investment, and it will pay off in the end.
Looking after a modification can be so helpful for self-esteem. In depressed phases, it is easy to let oneself go, and the very antithesis of that is to have something to focus your efforts on looking after your body and making sure it looks and feels good. Sometimes modifications can me counter-productive and damage your self-esteem; for example, I felt extremely liberated when I retired my madonna piercing, because all of a sudden I could use exfoliating face scrubs again, I felt cleaner and fresher without it, so to my mind the 'trade-off' was worthwhile. Likewise my labial piercings were ill-timed, and problematic. After a long period of consideration, I realised firstly that they were doomed to fail, and secondly that they were making me feel bad about myself, my weakness in getting the piercing on impulse at a bad time in particular. It can be so liberating to let a piercing go. The reason I have been so hesitant about getting my first tattoo is that there isn't the luxury of being able to simply retire it.
On the other hand, I have fought tooth and claw to keep some of my problematic piercings, because mentally they feel right, even if physically they can be going through a nightmarish phase. Just as you take on a spouse for better or for worse, so do you take on your modifications for the irritated phases, the prolonged healing, as well as for the end result. It's na�ve to expect something to heal just like that overnight, it takes investment and care. And your body can teach you so many things in this phase, healing can be such an adventure, such a learning experience.
Maybe in the BME community I am largely preaching to the converted. Largely what springs to mind as I write this is my endless conversations with my mother whenever I get another cartilage piercing. She always reminds me of the irritated phases, the trouble my ears have given me over the years, and I tell her each time that I have confidence that with tender loving care and patience, the piercing will ultimately come good in the end and make me happy and feel better about myself. Physically each modification is one step closer to how I feel happiest looking, and mentally I have proved to myself that I care for my body and am willing to make investments in it. And that is such a good feeling.