I was always the overweight kid at school that nobody wanted to be friends with. You know the one, there's one in every class. The kid who is ridiculed because of genetics, for who they are. I have been verbally and physically attacked because of my weight for as long as I can remember. But it wasn't just my peers who were cruel to me, it was other adults and even my father as well. Every day I was bombarded with insults and threats at school only to come home to the same treatment. I had no friends, no one to confide in. It was just one hit after another in a seemingly endless test of my self worth. I was fighting a losing battle.
At A Glance Author Misticals Contact [email protected] When N/A Throughout my years in elementary and middle school I tried so hard to fit in, to be accepted. All the while failing miserably. Being brought up in a household where crying was a sign of weakness you quickly learn to hide your emotions the best you can. My freshman year I began cutting myself multiple times everyday. The pain was just to much to bear. I couldn't go on. I was going to kill myself. The week before I was going to go through with it my mother spotted a healing wound on my wrist and had me "put away". After a week in in patient treatment at a local mental rehabilitation facility I felt as weak and useless as ever. I had no friends that I could really open up to so I began to shut everybody out.
About two years ago my hatred for my body kicked into full gear. Still angered at myself for being overweight I began to starve myself and abuse caffeine and diet pills. I was taking upwards of twelve to fifteen pills everyday. It was an obsession. I began to pick up more and more identifiable traits of eating disorders every day. I thought I was in control. I pushed away all of my friends and responsibilities. All I cared about was fitting in, being somebody else. I never stopped to think that I was killing myself. I didn't care. I hit rock bottom again.
You all are probably thinking "What does this have to do with anything on BME?" well, here it is. Sometime about a year and a half ago I stumbled upon BME while looking for information on tongue piercing. (I was going to get my tongue pierced so that while it was healing I couldn't eat even if I wanted to) I began browsing the site and reading some experiences. A few days later I came back, and ever since then I have come to this site multiple times every day.
Soon after, I began piercing myself in hopes to finally come to terms with and be happy with my body. I pierced my lobes a second time and that worked, for a little while. I wanted more. So I pierced my ears again. Then I began stretching them. I started to feel like I belonged in my skin. This was something I had never felt before. I had already been dying my hair wild colors for upwards of five years but it never had this kind of effect on me. I pierced my navel one afternoon in my bedroom and that has to be the most significant thing I have ever done. I feel that I have made something that has been the root of so much pain and angst in my life into something beautiful and that I am proud to have.
A few more piercing's and hair style changes later I feel like I belong. At least in one corner of the world, or shall I say web. I feel that by being accepted in the body modification community, I am seen for who I really am, not who I could be. This is the one place that I don't feel I have to put on an act just.
I still deal with severe bouts of depression and I still cut myself, but not to the extent that I used to. I will be eighteen this summer and I have plans to do a suicide suspension. I know body modification in the way of piercing or tattooing isn't right for everyone. But it is for me. I am still harassed by my peers for being different and I probably will be for a long time. But now it is different. I have molded myself into who I am now. I feel comfortable being different because this is a path and a lifestyle I have chosen.
For anyone out there who is going through what I went through, if I could, I would give you a big hug and tell you to just hang in there. There is a right path and a right place for everybody, it just may take a little while for you to find your niche.