I looked in the mirror and I didn't recognize the face looking back at me, very few things about this person were familiar, and although it was the same face I had had all of my life, it still did not look like me, it did not look like the person I thought I was...I would step further away from the mirror and stand looking at the reflection, I would take my cloths off and look, and stand there naked and while the reflection was clearly of me, or my body, it was not me, the image did not reflect my soul, it did not reflect who I was on the inside, the part which is suppose to be most important, the part of my being that made me me was not visible to others...and because of this, as I would look in the mirror, the reflection I saw was not a true reflection, it was not in the most basic and truest sense of the word, me. How I saw or felt about myself, the beliefs and expressions of my life were not represented, at least, not in the way I wanted them to be.
At A Glance Author Shamus Contact [email protected] IAM Shamus Greenman When N/A I look back, thinking about those moments almost 10 years ago, about those feeling and the events in my life that took place over 27 years to make me feel that way, the events that shaped who I was, and now who I am, events that lead me in search of a deeper meaning, and in search of a deeper understand, events that caused me to search for a sense of inner peace, and an outward expression of who I am.
It was those feelings that caused me to look at body modification, piercing and tattooing. And in turn, lead me here to BME and after being here a year, I thought it was time to look at that reflection again, and see if the person looking back was finally me.
When I first thought about getting a tattoo, well, the internet was something I knew nothing about and BME was starting up and regardless, I had never heard of it...I was still, to an extent tied to the belief which had been drilled into me by family, upbringing and training that tattoos were the mark of a criminal or a social misfit, pierced ears were for woman and overall you had to be off kilter in order to want any of those things. The concept of them being tied into your vision of yourself was a foreign idea at best...and one that I was only aware of on something of a subconscious level at best.
I remember suffering a rather rough injury at one point during my transition from cop to human, and it cause me some time to sit back and reflect, to be introspective and thoughtful of my life and its directions. For the first time in my life I began accepting certain parts of myself, I began to accept a sense of difference between me and other people.
I had always seen or known things, a sixth sense if you want to even call it that...I has this sense, this knowing this spiritual side of me, looking to escape and find its way to the surface.
When I was a teen I was fascinated with different religions and belief systems, Gandhi was a hero because of his ability to accept and understand people and their views and belief. I studied him with a fever. This interest in the spiritual side of human beings was something that still, to this day affects almost every aspect of my life and of who I am, and it is now fully expressed through my mods.
During the time I was injured I read the Celestine Prophecies and discovered a whole new outlook. From there I jumped to Wicca and Paganism, and at the time Neo Paganism and its nature and equality based beliefs...and there I found my true calling, my true place, my true spirituality.
For the first time I was accepting of who I was, and of what it is I believed in. I was accepting of what was inside of me...and of the change and growth that had, and continuous to take place.
With this new found acceptance I went about trying to express it in an outward fashion for everyone to see, I grew a beard, let my hair grow long, and took on a very native natural look, yet still, the reflection was not right, it still was not me, it was not who I was, and I felt a sense of frustration and annoyance with myself for this failure to express myself for the world to see. I felt powerless. It was as if for the first time I was comfortable with who I was, but could not allow others to see it.
I wish I could remember what inspired me to seek out a tattoo as an expression...I think it had so much to do with my friends that I was with at the time...I think in some way they led me onto this path without even knowing it. Rightly so, friends helped guide me onto this path I am now on, friends brought me here, and in so many ways when I look at myself I see my friends.
I remember that seeing my first tattoo as an adult on someone who I was not arresting, but who I was close to set something off in me, on some level a door was opened and the brightness contained within came out to help show me. The secrets locked within were now free, and this was maybe one of the most important moments of my life.
I touched her arm, I looked at the color and the design and the feeling, and it all combined WITH her, it was a part of her, it was HER. As we spoke, she talked about how she could never really imagine being without this tattoo...and the light got brighter.
I knew then, in some sense and in some way, this was what has been missing.
The story of my first tattoo is one I wont tell here, or about my gunned ears...but just know those things changed my life.
A year after first hearing about BME, I joined IAM, the community and the family...and the light got brighter, the reflection clearer and more accurate...finally I was seeing me.
I find myself now on a wonderful road and a wonderful adventure. In a year my views and ideas and thoughts have changed and grown and advanced. In this past year I see more and more of myself everyday in that reflection.
Through piercing and tattoos not only have I found a means to express myself to the world, but I have found an inner deeper ritual a sense of peace and of knowing...of understanding.
To me, each drop of ink and each drop of blood, each needle and each hole represents a ritual of self reclamation, a taking back and an acceptance of myself, my body, my place. The ritual and the path the journey and the adventure, none would be so clear or so meaningful without the piercing, the tattoo, or without you.
I stood in front of the mirror today, I took my cloths off, and stepped back, I turned on the light and I looked. I looked at the feet and the legs, I looked at the thighs and the belly, I looked at the chest and the arms and finally the face, and for the first time I was able to recognize the person looking back at me, for the first time I saw me.
What a wonderful sight that was.