I like to consider myself a passionate person. If I believe in something, I'll pour all of my heart into it, no questions asked. I'm the type of person who will risk anything and everything to defend what I believe in. But what if your passions conflict? What the hell is one supposed to do?
At A Glance Author Hyacinth Suarez Contact [email protected] When N/A
I can't answer for everyone; I couldn't even answer it for myself. I tried assessing everything logically, but is there really any logic when it comes to matters of the heart?
My dilemma? I am an avid fan (for lack of better words) of body modification and a fairly spiritual person. I'm also a hopeless romantic. Looking back at this situation, I can't believe half the stuff I put myself through for the sake of passion.
In July of 2003, I started dating a really nice guy and, dare I say, fell in love. In retrospect, I did actually fall, and I fell hard. Not even a month into the relationship, we talked about a future together. It all seemed so perfect- he wanted everything that I've always wanted and so on...my head was spinning, and I told myself that I would never wake up from this dream.
But I woke up. It was two months into the relationship and my nineteenth birthday was fast approaching. On my eighteenth birthday the year before, I had declared that on every birthday I will have from then on, I would get a modification (that is, until I got everything I ever wanted to get). For my nineteenth birthday, I decided that I wanted to get my first tattoo. I've wanted to get this tattoo for such a long time; I could hardly contain myself as the day drew nearer.
But there was one thing (person, I should say) that stood in my way- the boyfriend. We had known each other for a while before we started dating and I had always mentioned my love for body modification and we used to talk about all the stuff that I wanted, tattoos included. But now that we were together, he firmly told me that he did not want me to get a tattoo. Why? Because he didn't like them. That was it. I got no real explanation from him, even though I explained my reasons for wanting to get a tattoo several times.
I didn't want to disregard his feelings, though I'm still not sure what they are, so I opted to not get my tattoo on the day of my birthday. Instead, I got my second holes in my lobes and converted the new hole and the existing hole into a lobe orbital. I had wanted those for some time, so I figured my birthday would be the best day to do it. I was excited and so pleased with the results, but I felt so empty at the same time. Empty because I wanted something else and couldn't get it.
The months passed and the control worsened. I wanted to get my eyebrow or nostril pierced and he said that he didn't like facial piercings. Why would I allow someone to control me this way? I hated myself more and more. My friends hated the way I was allowing myself to be controlled, especially over my own body and things that I believe in strongly.
Like I had said, I'm a hopeless romantic. This guy and I got so serious so quickly, I didn't want to let him down, have him not love every part of me, or anything like that. I didn't want to lose him. So I fought all of my urges to go against him, even if it meant my impending unhappiness. I thought he was worth it. He meant so much to me.
Before he and I got together, I felt like I was at my wit's end. In one year alone, I had experienced more break-ups than I knew what to do with. I became overly bitter and jaded, and hatred ran through my veins. I was not happy, no matter how I tried to find joy from being hateful or no matter how I tried to hide it. I was unhappy with my life and myself. They say to be jaded is to be tired of excess; I was getting tired of my own excesses. I was just tired of it all. I never contemplated physical suicide, but emotional and mental breakdown was near. I just wanted to shut everything out. I was on the verge of self destruction via hatred and apathy. I do believe that he changed that. He gave me something to smile about every day. Being with him was one of the best events of my life. I wouldn't let him go without a fight, and I surely wasn't going to lose him over something "trivial".
But I was so into body modification. It's not a term I hear a lot; I mostly hear "tattoos" and "piercings" instead. But the term "body modification" means so much more to me. It literally is the modification of one's body and not only through piercings and tattoos, but in any way possible. I first became interested in piercings when I was in the sixth grade, about the age of eleven, long before anyone I had ever come in contact with at school or home had anything pierced (other than the standard earlobe) or tattooed on themselves. I became interested in tattoos when I was in the seventh grade, and by the eighth grade, I knew I wanted something imprinted on myself to last me a lifetime. In the ninth grade, I discovered several websites dedicated to the "modified" community. This was the first time I had ever heard of the term "body modification" and I searched around to try to find meaning to that term. I soon realized that "body modification" meant differen t things to different people. Two years later, as a junior in high school, I stumbled across an interview done by Shannon Larratt of BMEzine.com. He had interviewed an amputee. Why would anyone voluntarily wantcut off functional parts of their body? The answer became so clear to me. Everyone has an idea of what their perfect body looks like. Some people just see theirs differently and possibly without certain parts. I do strongly feel that this is true, though it may not have been the reason why the aforementioned man had done his voluntary amputations. I believe that most people (if not everyone) imagines their ideal bodies- some of us see ourselves thinner, or maybe more muscular, or with bigger breasts, maybe smaller ones...the possibilities are endless. Some people, though, imagine their bodies without a hand, or an arm, or maybe just a tattoo here or there, or maybe a nose piercing. I imagine my body bei ng a certain way, and while imagining being that body, I feel (dare I say) complete. Maybe "complete" isn't the right word. But I feel more like me. There are a lot of people who go out there and strive to get to their idea of "perfection", no matter what the cost. Going on diets, going to the gym, putting on more makeup, buying that perfect dress...I feel these can be considered as "modification". Other people just have a more extreme sense of what "modification" is to them. Sometimes, I take my tongue piercing out and it just doesn't feel right in so many ways. I went through months without my nipple piercings and I just felt incomplete without them. It just doesn't feel like me without the mods I have and want to have. This is one of the reasons why I'm so passionate about body modification. The act of going for what one wants is commendable to me; the act of reaching out and finding myself and ultimately becoming me gives me this sense of self-acceptance...this sense of self. I am all for any types of body mo dification; I am all for you becoming you.
I felt so torn, so incomplete. I tried to be happy, but the empty feeliing consumed me every night. I didn't kow what to do anymore.
After more time passed, I became less and less like the person I was in the beginning of the relationship and I became weaker. He became my life. I tried to justify why I wasn't being true to myself for months. It worked sometimes. I would tell him that I was glad that he didn't let me do a certain thing because of some reason or another that I logically tried to conjure up, and at times I believed it myself.
I tried and tried so hard to be happy and make my relationship work, but after almost eight months of being in the emotional and mental control of someone else, feeling obligated to do and not do certain things for someone else, I broke down and freed myself from it all. I never thought it would happen, but the relationship ended. In retrospect, I wish it was because I stood up for myself and what I believed in, but alas, it was for a different and completely unrelated reason.
I guess there's a reason as to why I'm writing this. I was talking about a conflict of passions, right? What did I do about it? Absolutely nothing. Well, nothing short of destroying myself from the inside out. What I suppose I'm trying to say is to never let anything or anyone take away from you as a person. If something or someone in your life puts you in the position to choose between them and whatever means anything at all to you, maybe it's time to reconsider what this thing or person really does mean to you. Conflicts of passions aren't easy, but the most important thing within it all is yourself. Be true to the one that should matter most- yourself.