Where do I fit in?
At A Glance Author Lu Contact [email protected] IAM ta2lu When N/A
As a tattooed thirty-something administrative assistant, I ask myself this question almost every day. There's not one clean niche for me. In a way, this is nice. No stereotypes for this girl! I'm like a chameleon. I like to think, "I can blend in with ANYONE. Give me ANY situation, and I'm comfortable." Unfortunately, most of the time, the opposite is true, and I'm left wondering, Where do I fit in??
A little background: I grew up in a conservative, upper middle-class family. My father is a Hungarian �migr� who has a PhD from M.I.T. in biomedical engineering. He is now retired, but for most of my life, he was an executive at a large healthcare company. My mom is classic WASP- Betty Jane Wilson from Pittsburgh, PA. She's a substitute teacher. My sister and I were sent to private schools. Get the picture?
At some point, I rebelled. While my sister finished one degree and got another, I dropped out of college and married a tattooed crack-head. Ah. Tattooed. I think that's why I was attracted to him. No. I KNOW that was why. Well, I'm now getting ready to marry again. No, he is not a crack-head, but, yes, he does have tattoos. He's a tattoo artist. And he also comes from a conservative family. (And that is another story in itself.)
Which brings me to the first place where I just don't quite fit- my family. Yes, they do love me unconditionally. They support (most of) my decisions. They enjoy my company. As long as I am covered up. My mother once insisted that we pin my dress to my bra so that a tattoo on my chest wouldn't show. This was at a cousin's wedding. Family. Shouldn't they accept you as you are? Another time, mid-summer, my father asked me to PLEASE wear a sweater out to dinner. Again, we were with family. It's not just family, though. I am not "allowed" to go to the swimming pool at their condo complex. I'm not quite sure if they are embarrassed, or if they are afraid that their neighbors might be offended. Maybe they are offended? It's never really discussed. Almost a non-issue. My mom just gives me funny looks. My dad flat out tells me that he hates tattoos. Won't give me a reason WHY he hates them. So, there is always a little bit of tension in our relationship.
It seems as though my family has the typical misconceptions about tattoos that most of mainstream society has. That somehow tattoos are dirty. That people who have tattoos are uneducated, on drugs, lazy, "cheap". Criminals. Unemployed and unemployable. Because of these misconceptions, my job as an administrative assistant at a pharmaceutical company is somewhat strained. No one has ever said anything to me. There is no published dress code that I can find. However, I am sure that one must exist, and I am sure that my nostril piercing and hand tattoo are not acceptable. These are the only mods that are visible while I am at work. They make me different enough from everyone else that I feel compelled to work harder, smarter, longer than the other admins. I check and double-check all of my work. I follow-up on everything. I volunteer for extra assignments, to lend a hand. I want to, at least in my office, change those misconceptions. Or, more selfishly, I don't w ant them to apply to ME.
Besides having to "go the extra mile", I also have to dress more conservatively than everyone else at work. You'll never see my hair in a ponytail while on the job. Must cover those cherries behind my ears. Forget cute sleeveless tops in the summertime. Must cover those flowers on my arms. Low cut blouses? Nope. Bugs to cover up on my chest. As for anything sheer- it wouldn't fly to have that solid block of color showing through the back. All of my jewelry (besides what's from a tattoo shop) is from Tiffany & Co. And my make-up can be described as "subdued". A former manager once commented that I looked like Marsha Brady!
My behavior is borderline nerdy. I feel the need to brag about my love for Excel. No cursing. No socializing with co-workers after-hours. I've made that mistake before. After a few drinks at a happy hour, my ever-present cardigan sweater came off. I could see the question forming in their collective minds. "Is she capable?" Perception is everything. Unfortunately, I don't have an advanced degree to back me up. I'm "just a secretary".
Being "just a secretary" when I am with tattooed friends and acquaintances means something else entirely. I'm thought of as a YUPPIE! Some kind of poser. I go to tattoo conventions and I don't show any of my tattoos. It could be out of habit, but I think there's more to it. Yeah- I feel like I don't fit in. Since I'm in my late 30's, I am for sure not one of the cool kids. Where I have too many tattoos for the workplace, I feel like I don't have enough when I am surrounded by heavily tattooed people. My bare naked body is much more bare than my fianc�s bare naked body. But, he doesn't care. With others, however, I cover up so that they can't see that I don't have full sleeves. What kind of fianc�-of-a-tattoo-artist am I? Or, worse yet, I feel that I have something to prove, and I will wear something backless so that they can see my colorful back. And I'll flash that hand tattoo. See? I am hardcore.
Bottom line, I am not my job, I am not my tattoos, and I am not a product of my upbringing. There must be more people out there like me. Who, whether it's the truth or not, feel like they don't fit in. Maybe we would all fit in together? In the end, I just try to be myself. That's the best fit of all.