Don't get me wrong, I like hugs as much as the next girl, but I certainly wouldn't want one from someone as ignorant as "nicko k.", whose email I, and of course, many other people read in the recent article about cutting. I had promised myself I'd never write about my cutting, just because my experience isn't much different from any other cutters, and it would be pretty boring for me to write it, and more boring for you to read it.
At A Glance Author Kitsune Contact [email protected] When It just happened Location Virginia When I read that article � I was disturbed by two things � the first being that this "nicko" character, who could barely spell or even present a coherent thought seemed to pity cutters like me. We're the ones who need protecting, the sicko's who just want to show off how fucked up we are. Not only that, he seems to think that a gallery of cutting images will trigger us � if I was truly afraid of being triggered, couldn't I just not go to that webpage? Also, if the images bothered him so much, why didn't he just refrain from looking at them in the first place? What did he expect to see when he clicked a link that said "ritual cutting"?
The second thing that bothered me is that a picture of my own arm was included in the article. Somehow, this got to me, because I never really thought of how many people had probably looked at the pictures I submitted, and how public I had let my private acts of cutting become. Don't get me wrong, I sent the pictures in because I wanted to share my experience, but it really bothers me that people like "nicko" would look at them in disgust. I feel like ignorant people are invading my privacy when they recoil in horror from something that is so commonplace to me as my blood and scars.
I guess the reason I'm writing this is to try to combat the image that many people seem to have of cutters � the scared, confused child who scratches for attention. You probably already have the picture of them in your head � the goth kid, covered in Hot Topic garb, with tiny little scratches on their wrists that they probably made with a paper clip. Yeah, some of the kids are a little more serious and use a razor blade, but the majority of cutters do very little real damage to themselves.
I am nothing like that. I am not goth, and you wouldn't know I was a cutter just by looking at me. I guess at 20, I'm still pretty much a child, but I'm not scared or unsure of who I am. I'm not a drama queen who wants to die, and I'm not a stupid kid who thinks scars are cool. My scars are many, but hidden, and I have had many problems with massive blood loss and nerve damage from my serrated buck knife. My right upper arm in particular is pretty much one big scar - there's no millimeter skin there that hasn't been sliced up at least a dozen times.
To be honest, if anything, the pictures of cutting on BME has made me decrease the severity of my cutting � because when I compare my pictures to most of the other's, mine look pretty bad. I can only think of a few pictures that looked worse than mine, and this shocks me because I never thought I was that bad a cutter til I saw the cuts of others. I've since slowed down dramatically, cutting more carefully, so I only cut as much as I really need to feel better. No longer do I lose a cup or so of blood in a night, then do it again a few days later. I'm not constantly pale anymore, and my tongue doesn't always look blue (I have no idea why it did, but it did). I don't shake all the time. I don't constantly have to be running around my room trying to clean up all the blood before my roommate gets home.
BME is not taking advantage of anyone, they are just giving people with all sorts of interests a chance to show off what they have done with their body. Sometimes it's beautiful, sometimes it's just plain freaky, and sometimes it's regrettably a mark of a person's self-loathing. But it's all self-expression, and if you try to stop someone from expressing themselves, you'll only make things worse for the people that really need "protecting".
Luckily, I think I'm over the really self-destructive part of my life, but I'll most likely always cut. It makes me too happy for me to just give it up for good � but I'll probably never carve myself up like I used to. If there was no BME, where would I go when I wanted to talk about cutting? My parents wouldn't help, they'd just send me away, and I'd probably lose my friends. BME gave me a safe, anonymous means to express myself, and I hope they continue to do so for others, so that they might be helped too.
Please don't try to protect me from myself, when you don't know me. If you really wanted to help cutters, you'd either be their friend, or if you just can't do that, you'd shut up and let them express themselves. I'll never understand how anyone in the body modification community could be so ignorant as to judge people based on their mods, when we're constantly being judged by the unmodified masses.
Thanks for giving me a chance to speak my mind, BME. No, I'm not trying to suck up, but I think that with all the nasty emails this site gets, they need to know that some troubled people really appreciate the chance they've given us to communicate.