At A Glance
Author	jenn
Contact	[email protected]
When	N/A

I have always felt like I never really fitted in anywhere, and that whatever I do or whoever I am will never be good enough. Its like I feel trapped in my life, and I can't control anything that happens to me. I constantly feel like I have to act a certain way, or look a certain way just to make other people like me. I judge how worthy I am as a person based upon other peoples approval. I felt like I was being pushed into been someone else because people wished I was different. This has all resulted in depression, confusion and a lot of self-harming, which gradually got quite severe. I'm now mostly over it, but for me it was a way of dealing with the pain of been unhappy with my life, and also a form of self-expression. It was the one thing that nobody could stop me doing, and I hoped eventually somebody would be able to see the pain that I was in.

Now, the thing that gives me the greatest sense of control and happiness is changing my appearance, so that I eventually feel more comfortable within myself. My hope is that if im happy with the way I look on the outside, eventually I will feel happy on the inside too. This started out as just changing my clothing style an hair colour, but has now extended to piercings and soon I plan on getting my first tattoo. Modifying my body in this way means a great deal to me, and has helped me to deal with some very difficult times in my life, and helped me to cope with the feelings mentioned above.

The problem however is my mother. She sees all body modification as a form of mutilation, and it really upsets her when I get something done. She sees it as me ruining my body, and often asks me why I want to spoil myself some more. If she just got pissed off with me and screamed at me, I could cope with that. But it's the fact that each time I get something done, it really hurts her, and I feel even more guilty about doing this, since she has been quite ill.

I have a number of piercings such as my tongue, navel, septum, industrial, tragus, rook, and loads more in my ears, but everyone has been a struggle to get because of her. If I were to get a tattoo right now, whilst still living at home, I don't think I could live with the guilt.

My dilemma is, to what extent should you sacrifice a part of yourself and your freedom of expression and happiness for the sake of other important people in your life that strongly disapprove. I have been thinking about this a lot recently because I have been considering getting a tattoo and my friend has offered to buy me a lip piercing for my birthday. I know both of these things are very common, but because of my mum they are quite a big deal.

Part of me feels like I should be free to live my life as I please. I'm 21 years old, and my body is mine to do with as I choose, but on the other hand, my mum has dedicated all these years to looking after me and putting me through university. I kind of feel that getting pierced against her wishes is a bit disrespectful because of this. In theory having a bit of metal put through my face, or a tattoo, should come second to making my mum happy. It would make my life, and finding a job probably a lot easier if I didn't have anything else done.

Because these reasons a lot of times I think I should just be grateful with what i have got and say enough is enough. I'm lucky that she's accepted the piercings that I have, and its stupid to get so stressed out about something as unimportant as this. In the end I don't want to do anything that's going to upset her.

However it's not so simple as that. By denying me the freedom to change my body in this way, my mum is objecting to something I love doing, and which I believe is an important part of my life. She makes me feel like I am a bad person for liking these things, and that I haven't turned out the way she wanted me to. I know she would never intentionally want to make me feel unhappy, but she cannot see how trapped it makes me feel. I see people with numerous tattoos and piercings and I feel that they are freer than I am. It makes me so jealous when I see them. I don't plan on getting a lot of things done, but it would mean so much to me if I just had the freedom to get a few more piercings without having the experience ruined by guilt.

I have done everything I can to try and make her understand. I have explained why I feel the need to do it, why I think body mods are beautiful and even how it makes me feel when she tells me I shouldn't do it. I have recently just got a first class honours law degree, so i have even proved to her that I can be a success despite my love of piercings /tattoos. None of this is enough though, and i have faced the fact that maybe she will never understand. I'm not angry with her, but I feel like she can never totally know who I am because there's an important part of my life she has to be kept separate from. This extends to other aspects of my life, which all though they are not bad, I know she wouldn't approve of and its like I have to protect her.

The reason for writing this is because ihave read a lot of experiences where parents just accept that their child has a tattoo or a facial piercing. I have a few friends too, whose parents respect that they are independent and free to make their own decisions regarding their appearance. I wanted people to know how difficult it can be when you have a parent who totally opposes the one thing that keeps you sane. And I also wanted those that are in a similar position to know that there are others out there.

My dilemma will partly be solved when I move out soon, but I will always have to keep trying to be the best person I can be, just to prove to my mum that piercings/tattoos have not ruined me. I will keep trying to show her that this is not just a phase, and something which means a lot to me. She may never understand, but I hope in time she can accept the person that I am now, and respect the decisions that I make. In the end I have to be true to myself.