Sometimes, just like everyone else, I cry. Sometimes, just like everyone else, I get angry. Sometimes, just like everyone else, I spill my coffee down me and hurl a string of obscenities at my friend sitting opposite me in the shop. Sometimes, though, unlike everyone else, I cut myself, I get pierced; I dye my hair an unnatural color. While getting angry and cursing at friends or even strangers is seen as part of every day life, I find myself being made to feel like an outsider purely because I deal with my emotions in a different way. I sometimes have to ask myself � am I normal?
At A Glance Author Bernice Contact [email protected] When N/A But then, what is 'normal' anyway?
People frequently ask me why. Why do I do these things to myself? Why do I feel I need to? Why does that make me feel good/better? Sometimes I try to explain but most of the time I just shrug. People don't seem to understand. Don't get me wrong, there are things I don't understand....long division, how to cook rice, people who get up and go running at the crack of dawn, to name but a few. But it's not for lack of trying to understand. These people I attempt to explain to are seemingly so narrow minded that they don't want to understand, that it defies their belief in 'normality' and therefore is not important.
I love my body. Plain and simple. Body modification, for me is not something that I am interested in as means of improving my appearance or trying to attract those hunky footballers down the park on a Sunday morning. Modifications are a way of exploring my body, of understanding it. I want to know what sensations, emotions and feelings I am able to create and experience. I don't want to wander around for the next sixty years or so not understanding my own body. I want to understand me.
How did this exploration of my body start? Well, think back to being young and sexually curious...how did you fulfill that curiosity? Masturbation is a good a guess as any. Think about how it made you feel...satisfied? Quite possibly. Think about being older...how did you fulfill your desire then? You found yourself someone who you felt comfortable with and cared for (either that or got very drunk) and dropped your trousers or hiked up your mini skirt. Despite the initial embarrassment of being seen naked and in rather undignified positions, it was satisfying, you felt as if you'd reached another stepping stone in growing up. Well, that's how body modifications make me feel. Every one of them, whether it be a new piercing or a fresh scar on my inner thigh � it makes me feel as if I've grown in some way, developed. I feel beautiful, not just physically beautiful but mentally/psychologically beautiful too.
I cannot ever imagine being fed up with exploring my body and creating new feelings inside of me, new sensations, and new tingles. I imagine many people by now feel they know their bodies � they know what colours suit them, they know when they've had a little too much to drink, they know what sexual positions feel good for them � and so they stop experimenting, scared of finding something better, or maybe nothing at all.
Is that really how you want to live your life? In fear?
I imagine that at least 25%, if not more, of unmodified people, have toyed with the idea of a nose stud or a small tattoo but decided against it for fear of how others would perceive them. I myself still have doubts about what people will accept and what they won't. I recently attended a job interview and the lady told me that although she personally had no problems with my modifications, the customers might. I politely replied that I was not willing to remove them but would be happy to wear discreet jewellery and cover up any visible recent cuttings/scarifications. I will be the first to admit that it doesn't look too hygienic when your waitress has cuts up and down her arms. As I get older though and hope to enter the body modification industry I will think twice before agreeing to wearing discreet jewellery. After all, have I no right to look as I want to look?
Sometimes, just like everyone else, I have bad days, where I feel ugly and bloated. I feel as if nothing is going to work out today and to top it all off, it's raining...but when I look in the bathroom mirror and I see my eyes sparkle, I remember that I am who I am today because this is who I want to be. Many people have influenced me in my time, parents, friends, teachers, even, I'm ashamed to say, media. Those corporate magazines that 'promote individuality' and then print a page on how to be 'punk'. Those magazines though, did teach me to be myself. They screamed at me � 'don't be like everyone else, Bernice. Be who you want to be.' And so I became that person and even now, I find myself changing as the world changes. For better, for worse...who knows?
The only thing I'm sure about is who I am and what my body means to me. I love my body. Plain and simple.