At A Glance
Author	meg
IAM	serpenttitties
When	N/A

All my life I have lived with:

"Meagan, you need to lose some weight. You are getting pretty hefty."

Like I am some kind of trash bag. My mother has said this to me 84,000 times I think, and each time it has grated into me like nails on a blackboard.

She started this campain when I was about 12. I had just really hit puberty, and I woke up one day with boobs, and hips, and a tummy, and a butt. That was bad enough, but then there were pimples and bad hair too!

"Girl, you are starting to get hefty" I remember her saying at the diner table. I wanted to throw my meatloaf at her, but instead I lowered my eyes and pushed around the potatoes on my plate.

To my mother, beauty is not in the eye of the beholder. It is in HER eyes, and only hers. She pushed me to watch what I ate, sometimes cooking huge pots of her "diet dinner" for me that consisted of green beans, potatoes and bacon. I would be advised to only eat that dish for a week to drop a few pounds, and when I did, I got new clothes.

After a few monthes, I started hearing a new one.

"Those zits are terrible. Let's go to the store and get you something to cover those up."

So now it wasn't just my weight, but my skin, and then soon my hair, and makeup and clothing...anything that wasn't up to her standard of high heels and too tight jeans. She tried to get me to dress like her, buying me ugly button down silk shirts that would hide my "gut". She bought me 32 inch waisted pants, encouraging me to give up a meal here and there to stay in them. I remember getting into a scrape with the law and being put into a group home type situation for a few weeks. I had lost at least 10 or 15 pounds while there, and when I got home, all she could tell me was how thin and pretty I looked!

This went on for years. I was active. I ran track, and was a cheerleader. I ate well, going vegitarian in high school for a bit. But I never got "thin". I stayed at about a size 10, never small enough for my mother, and so the comments kept rolling in.

When I went to college, I found out that the nostril piercing I had done when i was 14 was okay to have (I won't even tell you about her reaction to that one). I got a labret piercing and a tattoo. I had finally found something that made me feel good about who I was after all that time being told I wasn't good enough, wasn't pretty enough, was too "different" looking.

I started stretching my ears and getting new piercings and tattoos. I got an apprenticeship piercing, and fit into my new lifestyle like a key into the right slot. And now, when I went home, I heard a brand new complaint.

" What happened to you Meagan. You were always such a pretty girl. I don't know why you do this to yourself. What kind of man will ever want a woman like you?" and in the next breath, always"You still need to lose some weight. You are getting big. Did I tell you I saw so and so, and that girl is HUGE! You don't want to end up like her" I was always such a pretty girl? What? It was the ultimate confusion.

Now, I can't blame her for everything, but my eating troubles I can. I began to eat and eat and eat. I would eat anything in my path. I was like the modified Godzilla, swallowing whole cities. I gained weight steadily, going in six years from a size 12 pants and a medium shirt to a size 26 pant and a 2-3XL shirt. I ate to hurt my mother, who never accepted my weight, my face, my tattoos, my piercings, my scars.

So, now here I sit. I no longer talk to my mother. I no longer pierce. I did find someone to share my life with and we are very happy together. But now I hear that old chestnut coming back.

"You need to do something about your weight"

I am unhappy and need to make yet another change, so now I am starting a new modification. I am going to slowly change my body, but not for my mother, for ME. Iconsider this to be the hardest mod I have gone through so far, the most painful one I can think of. I am going to resculpt my body, by willpower and by force. I am going to create a skin I am comfortable in at last, and isn't that what true modifications are all about?

Total, I plan on losing at least 60 pounds, maybe more. I know that I may need surgery to tighten up loose skin, and that's fine. I know my tattoos will distort, and that's fine too. I need to make this change, to let go of my anger and negative feelings I have towards myself, to feel beautiful and alive again. I am feeling the urge to modify myself in a way I haven't felt since I pierced that nostril way back when. And I am going to do it.