"Why did you do that to yourself?"
At A Glance Author Sean Contact [email protected] IAM toby When N/A Sometimes I think I know the answer to that, but other times I realize that I'm just as perplexed as the questioner. Why do I get tattooed? What could possibly make me want to permanently etch images and words onto my body, especially knowing full well that the sound of the tattoo gun is also the sound of doors closing? Romances, friendships, jobs � all are affected. It's a fair question to ask, and I try my best to provide a satisfactory answer. I think the reason I have such trouble explaining my motivation for pursuing body modification is that there is no reason; there are reasons � plural.
In the Beginning ...
As a child, I was overweight. From the time I started first grade until I reached tenth grade, I was the fat kid. Because of the constant teasing associated with being fat, I had a horrible self-image. I very clearly remember thinking to myself, a number of times, that I would never have a girlfriend. No girl would ever kiss me or want to be with me. And why should she? I didn't even like myself, so why should anybody else like me?
When I was 15, I decided to lose weight and change my image, and so I did. I shed about 50 pounds or so (talk about body modification!) and started to become very interested in all things "alternative" (which is how I found BME in the first place). As the ladies began to take notice through the last few years of high school, my self-confidence began to grow. I was finally starting to enjoy life and to enjoy myself, but I was still riddled with lingering self-doubt.
After I turned 18 and graduated high school, I decided to indulge my long-term desire for an eyebrow piercing. When I did it, I felt amazing. It was an incredibly powerful, transformative feeling. By having a lousy 16g needle slice a hole in my eyebrow and by putting a CBR in it, I completely changed my perception of myself. I wasn't the fat kid that I used to be; I was an attractive young man who was about to start college and take the next step into adulthood. I was able to overcome the worries about what others would think, and I managed to make my first real declaration of independence at the same time.
How can people not understand the transformative power that body modification affords us?
Shortly after getting my first piercing, my best friend got his first tattoo. He was much more hell-bent on getting a tattoo than I was, and since his parents liked tattoos, there was really nothing to stop him. He stopped by Target (I was working there at the time) to show it off, and I couldn't believe he had actually gone through with it. At that point, I had no real plans for anymore body mods. I didn't really care about tattoos, and the only piercing I really wanted was my eyebrow. As soon as I saw his tattoo, though, the idea of having ink on me took on an almost esoteric appeal. And just like that, I began my quest to design a tattoo.
I looked at flash, I scoured BME, and I thought long and hard. I ended up with a simple kanji design in the shape of an equilateral cross. I researched the symbols online and verified their meanings with people who could read it (I recently had a Chinese graduate student verify them without me even asking him to). The symbols were earth, air, fire, and water with spirit in the center. Was it the most impressive design in the world? Nah, but how many of us get amazing tattoos right off the bat?
After the process was over, I felt changed � and I was. From that moment on, I would be tattooed. I made the conscious decision to permanently alter myself, inside and out. I performed an act of magick. According to Aleister Crowley and Thelemites everywhere, magick is simply "the Science and Art of causing Change to occur in conformity with Will." I had accomplished a miracle; I had accomplished an act of transformation and magick.
I was so proud of what I had done, and my self-image improved markedly, just as it did after my first piercing. I just felt more "me" than I did before. I never thought I would become a "tattooed person," but when I finally took the leap, it felt natural.
Throughout college, I expanded my tattoo collection. All my tattoos have spiritual significance for one very important reason: I'm a spiritual person. Religion, philosophy, occultism, and the history thereof fascinate me. Because these interests have so impacted who I am and how I think, it only makes sense that these thoughts and passions be reflected on my physical canvas. To illustrate my rapid acquisition, here's a timeline in terms of college semesters (Note: This would look a LOT better if BME would allow the use of HTML tables in submissions, so I'm sorry for the poor formatting; it was the best I could do):
Summer 2000
- Kanji on my left arm
Started College
Fall 2000
- Sun/om design on my right arm
Spring 2001
- Nothing.
Summer 2001
- Nothing.
Fall 2001
- Phoenix on back and nautical stars on clavicles
Spring 2002
- "Namaste" between my nautical stars across chest
Summer 2002
- Rune on the inside of my left wrist
Fall 2002
- Added a lotus to my kanji on my left arm
Spring 2003
- Flames on my nautical stars
Summer 2003
- Nothing.
Fall 2003
- Nothing.
Spring 2004
- "Enjoy Being" on my stomach (BME Experience)
Graduated College
Summer 2004
- Began work on my Tantric Hindu-inspired left sleeve (Inside, Outside)
Spring 2005
- Tentative completion of left sleeve (See my IAM page for up-to-date pictures) I don't think my story of tattoo progression is all that foreign to most of you. After all, you're probably just like me in the sense that one tattoo turned into countless hours of work. Because of that, I won't go into agonizing (and boring) detail of the addiction. Still, though, I haven't addressed the "why." Why do I do it? Now that you have some background into my tattoo odyssey, I'll start trying to delve into the reasons for my obsession.
The Why ...
First, as I mentioned before, I was overweight throughout my most formative years. When the opinions of others mattered the most, I was tortured mercilessly. I was teased, I had my man-boobies fondled by bullies, and I hated myself for it. Even after I lost the weight, the trauma-induced self-doubt plagued me. I think this experience single-handedly brought me to body modification. I was making my body more beautiful in my eyes, tattoo by tattoo. I was focusing on my art instead of dwelling on my flaws. Also, as I become more and more heavily tattooed, I have to become stronger in my convictions. When confronted by people who cannot and will not understand me, I have to stand firm in my decisions and in my opinions; I am forcing myself to become more self-confident. Body modification is empowering in that way, and I don't think many people realize that � even here on BME.
The What ...
So being overweight as a child is what got me started on tattoos, but what inspires my ideas? As I said before, my major passions in life are religion and philosophy � especially Eastern thought. As I continue to grow and learn, I am filled with an insatiable desire to express this fascination as art. I find Hinduism, in particular, to be incredibly beautiful. Because its teachings and mythos are so awe-inspiring and breath-taking, I want to paint it all over my body; I want to immerse myself in it and share my awe with the world. I tattoo my body as an outward expression of an inward appreciation. I adorn my body for God and for myself, because I believe God and Self are ultimately the same. It is this overwhelming lust for life and for spirituality that inspires me.
The When [will it ever stop?!] ...
Why continue on and get visible tattoos? Couldn't I be satisfied with having them be visible only at the beach or at home? After long consideration, I decided that no, I could not be satisfied with that. I could not deny my urge to begin a sleeve any longer, and so I started my left sleeve very shortly after graduating college and starting my fulltime career. While debating whether or not to move into the realm of visible ink, one very large factor continued to influence me:
Progress.
Shannon mentioned in a previous article that we need to begin to raze the stereotype that modified people are unsuccessful, unhappy criminals who cannot possibly be academic overachievers. I could not agree more, and I've been thinking the same thing for years.
I graduated high school in the top ten of my class, and I got into the best college in my State on an academic, full-tuition scholarship. I graduated cum laude with my degree in nuclear and radiological engineering in just under four years, and I now work as a nuclear engineer doing safety analysis for a large utility. I'm a card-carrying member of Mensa, and I am now trying my hand at real estate investment.
Am I bragging? Nope. ...okay, so maybe just a little, but after working my ass off for years to get where I am, I feel I'm allowed to do that every so often. But the point of listing all that was to show that I consider myself to be relatively successful and tattooed at the same time. If I can be a successful nuclear engineer with a full sleeve, if Marisa can be a successful lawyer with sleeves, if any of the other countless professionals out there can excel in their chosen professions while being heavily modified, why can't others? What's to stop them?
Barriers are torn down piece by piece. Before a wall can fall, someone has to start chipping away at it. Do I think I'm breaking down barriers for other people by striking out as a heavily tattooed professional? No, but I do think I'm doing my part to chip away at the foundation. And you know what? That makes me feel good about myself. That makes me feel like I'm a part of something larger.
The End ...
And there you have it. From childhood torment to adulthood triumph, I am tattooed. I am happy, I am successful, and I am ambitious. I want to make myself beautiful, I want to express my religious awe, and I want to whittle away at professional barriers. I want to live and to love, I want to raise children and to retire ... but I want to do it all while being tattooed.
And I will.
So, "Why did you do that to yourself?"
Oh, no reason ...