I am keenly aware that the issue of "mutilation vs. modification" is a contentious one within the bod-mod community, in part because we are always fighting against the stupid and ill-informed idea that if you want to look radically different, then you must be sick. Of course, this idea is based on fear and prejudice, rather than fact. With this in mind, I ask you to please stay with me as I tell you about my experience, and prolong making up your mind until the end.
At A Glance Author Phoenix Contact [email protected] When Five years ago I have been thinking about the difference between "mutilation" and "modification" for quite some time. It is a question that is close to my heart, because I have a number of large keloid scars (about an inch in diameter on my left arm, left breast and on the left side of my stomach) which are the result of self-inflicted, third degree burns. I did these burns with cigarettes and a cigarette lighter whilst I was alone and severely depressed. Sounds like a clear-cut case of "mutilation", right? I admit, at the time I did these burns, and for a year or so afterwards, I couldn't look at the scars because I felt like I had destroyed my skin and hurt myself emotionally in a profound way. Whenever people asked me what happened, I always had to make up some story like "I fell and landed on a gas heater" or something equally as implausible.
Recovering from depression was very difficult, perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. As anyone who has ever cut or burnt themselves when they were mentally ill would know, once your emotional self heals, the physical scars remain. The strange thing is, since I have gained some distance from my illness (I have had a clean bill of health from my shrink for almost four years now) the significance of my scars has shifted dramatically.
Whilst I used to be ashamed of my scars, I now love them. Despite the fact that other people generally see them as "disfigurements" and "mutilations", I really think that they are beautiful! They are beautiful precisely because they were born out of great pain. So, whereas I used to call my scars "mutilations", I now call them "modifications". The reason is that whenever I look at them, they remind me of both the sadness and emptiness that I used to feel and the fact that I am strong enough to have overcome it. Whenever I feel weak, my scars remind me that I am actually very strong. They remind me that nothing that is really worth doing is easy, and that living means experiencing both pain and triumph and happiness. How could these scars possibly be considered "mutilation" now? Just because they are not beautiful in the conventional sense, and just because they look more like "self harm" than, say, a professionally executed tattoo, it does not follow that they actually are "self harm" because they have taken on so many positive connotations!
In fact, I now believe that I was always meant to have scars and other marks on my body. I have even done some research on Modern Primitives and I felt like I was struck by lightening when I read Vale and Juno's words, "complex eroticism has always been the one implacable enemy of death". If "death" is feeling empty and sad, like there is no point getting up in the morning (a feeling that makes my body feel numb and makes life seem like it is not really worth living) then "complex eroticism", in my case, burning and the emotional process of recovering from the shock of it, is a life giving process. Complex eroticism really is the enemy of death! Perhaps this is why many of us enjoy the healing process of a mod? I don't know if any of this makes sense, or if it sounds like rambling or worse, preaching; but somehow I sense that modified people would understand, even though they are NOT mentally ill. What do people think about the idea that there is something very life-affirming about experiencing intense pain and then recovering from it?
I think my experience goes to show that sometimes the line between "mutilation" and "modification" is blurry. Sometimes a scar that was originally "self-mutilation", and which still looks like "self-mutilation" to others, can turn into a cherished modification.
I do realize that modifications should be done in hygienic conditions, following all sterility and safety procedures. My modifications were very dangerous because of my mental state at the time and also because of the lack of hygiene and other saftey precautions. I am NOT recommending anyone to go out and do what I did.
However, I have had a couple of bad experiences whereby people refuse to accept that my scars are modifications and not "mutilations". These people assume that the meaning of a scar cannot change; once a "mutilation" always a "mutilation". This seems very strange to me, because our bodies and our emotional states are always changing, so why shouldn't the meaning of a scar change?
Thanks for taking the time to read this.