It has seemed like years since I wrote the first part to this(http://www.bmezine.com/news/edit/A20401/artallth.html). It was never written for pity or anything like that. It was written to show that there are many different struggles involved when one is modified. It is now a few years later and a lot has changed.
At A Glance Author Ryan13 Contact [email protected] IAM NerveAgent When A week ago Artist myself Studio myself Location Thunder Bay
When I first wrote 'All I Could Have Been, And All I Had Lost', I had just lost ties with my father because of my appearance. Years later we still have not talked. We had a brief moment where things almost seemed like they would be o.k. But as I said, it was brief. The visit was cut short by comments made about my piercings and brandings. It was a full assault from the whole family. Everyone thought that because I had new additions and alterations that I must have changed inside. People look at the modified and automatically think the worst. Of course this is lightening up a bit as piercing has gotten a little more mainstream. For me it has never been vanity. I never truly knew what gauge my ears were at, I did not care either because each stretch for me represented a struggle in my life.
It was because of this I hated the attention. I was very proud of my ears for what they meant to me but publicity put a damper on my moods. With the publicity of SPDST locally and having the largest lobes in the city, I was a target for comments and questions. Normally I don't mind at all. It was a case of being polite and then going on my way. 5 years of the same questions day in day out wore thin. It seemed I couldnt leave the house without a comment within the first 15 minutes of being outside.
All of this coupled along with random racist related drivel from some of the lower life locals, finally pushed me over the edge and I decided it would be the best for me and my sanity to give it a rest.
I took the plugs out (which at the peak were around 1 3/4") and let them go for a while. I just needed the break for a while. It was strange the first night, sleeping for the first time in years without plugs in, or being able to wear a beanie cap. I enjoyed it for the time being.A week later I decided I would rather just wear plugs and put up with it. Thats when I was struck down by frostbite. Being stupid and not having full coverage I suffered 2nd and 3rd degree frostbite. My ears painfully swelled 4 times their size and it was a week until any progress was made. The healing process was hard because the entire ear had received frostbite. Even the ear canal received damage. Sleeping was near impossible. The pain is still there but as every day passes it gets better. By this point they had been force healed to around 1/2". Even though I didnt want it, the ears were gone.
So I sit here looking at pictures of when I had them large. I remember the laughs I got with em, the good times. I also remember the heartache and the pain. I remember the struggles I went through because each day, my ears represented my struggles. When I would look in the mirror, I would be faced with the memory again. I would not change a thing though.
Being modified you see a different side of people. Certain people try harder to get to know you because of the mods, some hate you for it but it teaches us all how people deal, how they react to something different. I lost a lot of ties due to my piercings and branding work and a lot of oppertunity but at the same time I gained more knowledge, more understanding and more power over myself. I look back since I first wrote my first article on BME and much has changed. Being modified never did change who I was, it just strengthened it.
The reason I write this now, is because the father that disowned me for my piercings, could possibly no longer be alive. I can no longer get a hold of the family but as it stands, he was in one of the Tsunami hit zones. If he has passed, I have one regret. That a father could not see past something so physical to actually get to know the son he had already lost once before.
I look in the mirror now and realize that physically I am not the same I was before. Its different getting used to "a new you" but I hold no regret. Regardless of what is looking back it, its still me. Modified or not. I still have the same mind and heart. I look at it as a chapter in my life. 2005 brings about a new section full of small chapters, some I will forget. The chapter with my stretched ears I will never forget because in the end it taught me so much.
-Ryan13