I'm sitting here this morning with a mug of coffee, cigarettes and some music playing in the background trying to collect my thoughts. I really don't want to write this piece but I feel compelled to. I have to do it. I have to get it out. And it's going to hurt.
At A Glance Author PSFitz Contact [email protected] IAM PSFitz When Ten years ago or more For most of my life, I lived a boring straight lined existence. I was doing well with my career. I had some friends, not many but they were close; or so I thought. Somewhere during this era, I was becoming cocky and arrogant. I was forgetting all the precepts that my parents had instilled in me. What I was losing was the ability to be tolerant, understanding and open to alternative ideas. I thought I knew it all. I was also a bigot. Not against any racial or ethnic group or even sexual orientation. Not against any religious or political group. I was bigoted against a group of people that just didn't fit into my 'perfect' orderly world. A group of people whose life style that was totally opposite of mine. Those people who are more free spirited and open as opposed to rigid and closed life that I led. I hated the people who looked different from me and who did it on purpose. I hated the modded not only 'those' people I may have known and worked with but everyone.
As I look back now, I don't really understand what my motivation was. Could it have been a total lack of understanding them? Was it that I thought they strange and odd; that they did not deserve to be part of my world? Was it that I thought they were mentally ill? Or could it be that I feared them and deep down I wanted to be part of that community. Being modded was definitely wasn't part of my plans.
I hurt a lot of people during that time period. Many of whom I could have called 'friends'. At that time, at the very least, I did everything possible to avoid contact with 'those' people. When it was unavoidable, I was curt, rude, confrontational and very disrespectful. There was quite a bit more I use to do in order to ensure 'those' people were unwelcomed. I look back on what I was doing and reflect on how shameful and hurtful I was to a group of people that only wanted to live their lives differently.
My life was moving forward as planned or at least I thought it was. I was very arrogant and thought I was invincible. I was beginning to make critical errors of judgment however. I was spending more that I was making. I was even was pushing both my friends and family away. I thought I didn't need them. What was actually happening is that I was isolating myself.
I then make the critical error that spun my life out of control. I accepted a position in Western Maryland that I no business accepting. It was well beyond my experience. I never realized that though until it was too late. Within 8 short months I was fired! I was shattered! I just couldn't believe it. How could this happen to me. I did shake it off for a while telling myself that I would deal with this 'tomorrow'. 'Tomorrow' became the next day and the next. Soon the next day became weeks and then turned into months. I became a 'couch potato', unkempt, obese, took to heavy drinking and I hardly ever left my apartment. I went through all my savings and maxed out all of my credit cards. I hardly ever answered the telephone as most of the phone calls were increasingly from creditors looking for money I did not have. Yet, I still never communicated any this to my family; not out of arrogance but now out of humiliation.
Finally, when there was no options were left, I made the hardest phone call I have ever had to make. I called my father and told him everything. Instead of calling all the names I deserved, he only said 'everything will be ok'. asked where could he wire some money and to come 'home'. I broke down on the phone.
Everything did become OK.....well, almost everything. As I was beginning to recover from the emotional stripping of the past many months, I started to really reflect on my past behavior and what I did to other people especially those whose only 'crime' (to use a term I had used often before) was to live their lives differently; to adorn themselves with ink, metal and bone. My humiliation became shame.
What came next was that I wanted to learn all about the modified. My thirst to learn became a central desire. What was then desire became passion. I found BME and just could not stop looking and reading. I finally understood. And now I wanted to BECOME what I once LOATHED!
This where my journey begins. I've written before about my journey and it's all true. However, what I have written here is the dark truth of the events that lead to my 180 degree reversal. I just want to add that I think we should all realize that people can change. I believe that. I know that. People change for many MANY reasons. Mine was very costly, not in material means (those can be replaced) but that before I could change I had to be totally and completely stripped down emotionally. But I did do it. I am much more human now. Much humbler.
I am still haunted by all those faces of the people I hurt. If I could track them down just to apologize I would. I do need to apologize to all the modified people even though they never experienced my hatred or venom. I am sorry to everyone here on BME and to those modified who are not. I was the 'sick' one not you. I was self absorbed and arrogant not you. I still have a great deal to atone for and I'm still healing from myself. But I am happier now.
This is my confession. This is my apology. I'm not looking for forgiveness as I haven't forgiven myself and I believe there is none I deserve. There isn't a day I do not reflect on my past and how much of a shit I was. If I could go back in time and re live those years, so much would be different. I know I can't. So now I have dedicated my remaining years I have to do whatever I can do to help, no matter how small or large, this Community I have grown to respect, honor and above all.....love. Maybe, then, I can forgive myself.