I should start off by telling you who I am. I wouldn't expect you to continue reading about someone you know nothing about. My name is Lauren, I am seventeen years old- but wait before you click off muttering something about teenagers, please, take a couple minutes to read my story. This is my attempt to reach out to maybe a couple people who are or have dealt with some of the same issues as I have.
At A Glance Author ForsakenPixie Contact [email protected] When Two years ago Artist Myself Studio At home Location Chicago, IL For as long as I can remember, I've hated myself, my life, and most of all- my stepmother. She's not exactly who you'd call.. erm.. loving. Now, I could go into all the horrid details of what happened to me as a child, but I know that much worse has happened to other people and they possibly dealt with it much better than me. I'm not interested in playing the whose-life-is-worse or I'm-more-emo-than-you games. I just need to get my story out and try to see happens after that.
Starting with my earliest misfortune, my mother passed away when I was very young, so I grew up with my father and several nannies. My older sister had a different mother than me, whom also passed. So as you can imagine, we weren't exactly the most cheerful children. Our stepmom had always been a witch, and severely beat both my sister and I. What I didn't know is that she struggled with the same issues I did, namely, self-harm. So way back in sixth grade I started to cut myself. I hid it well, (or so i thought) but by eighth grade, my friends were growing more and more worried by my suicidal poetry. (including my own euology)So after years of failed counseling, I found myself in a hospital.. a mental hospital. eek.
To say the very least, it was awful. So i lied my way out of there. I didn't want to admit that I was a failure because my stepmother and some boy thought so. Here I am, two or three years later, a junior in high school, still struggling with this problem. I'm not sure why it helps; i don't seek attention with my cuts/scars, in fact i tediously try to hide them. I've come to realize that long sleeves in the summertime isn't very sneaky. Nor is wearing pants when going to the beach. But, the problems just won't go away. Why exactly, I'm writing to tell you about this, seemingly "popular" teen angst.. Well, I write this in hopes that you can learn from my mistakes. I cannot erase my past (or these hideous scars).. and it will always be a fresh memory, not to mention reminder of all that I went through; but it will haunt my life even as it gets better.
It bothers me that people think they have to cut to get the attention. Most of self-harm related injuries are cries for help, not suicide attempts. I don't know why no one seems to understand that, but the mysteries of the universe are infinite to me. I try to draw, sing, write poetry, anything to distract myself from my present life, but nothing seems to work. I just want to get myself better, and help others from falling into the same horrible habits that I did.
It's not easy being a teen; nor is it easy being female, being bisexual, being a "tormented soul". It's not easy having A.D.H.D or dealing with depression, but what I'm trying to understand is why I turned to cutting in the first place. Why, back in sixth grade did I even think to pick up a blade and harm myself? Especially because the pain of cutting is supposed to get rid of the physical or mental pain of life. I barely understand myself, and all I ever hear is "Why do you do it?" Frankly, I'm not sure. Maybe it's the rush of feeling the blood drip down, maybe it's just me punishing myself for being me. I don't know why I cut, but I know that I want to stop.
My hopes in writing this is that if you realize you have any problem of self-harm, please- please- get yourself help. And when help is shoved at you, swallow your pride and try to get better. I wish I would have done that, and it adds to my pile of regret. I am not ashamed to say I had/have a problem, I just want some help.. and maybe someone who cares enough to help me through it. If anyone needs advice about anything concerning the topic of self-harm, I would like to do all that I can to help. I'd also like to hear about everyones story.. every scar has a story- some just more deep than others. I'm not a doctor, and chances are not even someone you might think you can trust... but any outlet besides a razor or lighter is good.