At A Glance
Author	wolfbane
Contact	[email protected]
IAM	wolfbane
When	N/A

Words have always been important to me. I began writing at a young age and found that I could express a lot through the written word, much more than I could through speech. I found that writing enable me to convey thoughts that were running around my mind far more articulately than saying them ever could.

Having also been a voracious reader from a young age I have seen the power that words have to change a person: the Bible, the Qu'oran, the Bhagavad Gita � they have all changed people's perceptions of the universe, morality, good and evil; sometimes for good, sometimes for wrong, but the undeniable fact is the words in those texts contain power. It isn't only in religious texts that words hold power; the number of times I have read a book and been moved to tears by the quality of the writing, the sentiments being expressed, are numerous: Pepper dying in The Saddle Club, Beth's reaction to the piano she got given in Little Women, the ending of The Town That Died by R.L.Lee all of those were written with such eloquence that I felt like I was there with the characters, watching the same things they were watching, feeling the same things they were feeling; the gems of wisdom hidden in books and poems; Terry Pratchett's Discworld, Tolkein's Middle Earth, the poetry of Patrick Jones More than anything else I wanted to do that with my own writing; allow people to feel what I was feeling, show them that sometimes 'normal' doesn't exist. I wanted be able to say that my writing had helped someone, even if it was only one person.

Holding a pen above a blank sheet of paper is the same for me as an artist holding a paintbrush over a blank canvas. There is so much power, and apprehension, in the waiting; what will I write, will it be any good, will I be able to say what I want to say? Holding a pen above a blank sheet of paper turns the paper into my canvas, in the same way that my body become a canvas under the tattooist's hand and so it was only natural that the tattoos I got moved from flash (a Chinese dragon) to custom designed pieces of text which meant something more to me.

The first piece of text I got tattooed on me was the line not all those who wander are lost which is taken from a poem that appears in Tolkein's Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring:

All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

I had read The Lord of the Rings when I was younger and that line stood out. To me it meant that while I was still young and trying to find my place in society, and my place within myself, I didn't need to be guided; I was intelligent enough to decide for myself what my path would be and how I would get there. As I grew older It also spoke to me of defiance in some respects; that I was an outspoken atheist, depressed, becoming interested in and getting modifications, self harming didn't mean that I was going off the rails. I may have been wandering through myself and the world around me but it didn't mean I was getting lost; it meant that I was working my way through the forest knowing that someday I would get to the other side, and I would know myself better for it. The tattoo is written in a variant of Germanic Runes, which also was significant for me. I had been reading tarot and learning about runes for several years; I loved the way that the runes looked and thought it was appropriate for the words being tattooed upon my skin. I was right; whenever I look at that tattoo it stands out to me, perhaps even more so than the others.

After a year and another tattoo I decided I wanted another piece of text tattooed on my upper left arm, to match that on my right. Again it would be written in Runic, but this time the text would come from a different source. At that stage of my life I was self harming more than ever. I was in a bad state of depression and felt that nothing would go right. I wanted help, but I didn't know how to ask for it. At the same time I felt that my scars were beautiful in their own way; they reminded me of the way I had felt and they reminded me that I was still alive; I might feel like shit but I was still here. I had always been a fan of Patrick Jones and his writing. He is an amazing poet and playwright, and his words have spoken to me, particularly in regards to self injury. The first time I met Patrick I devoured everything he said, at this point not even having read anything of his. When I did read his work I was gobsmacked; if felt as though he was writing down what was in my head:

My scars remind me that I'm alive...;
In this
blood within wound / flesh over nails / sky above man / weep
into
why

I thought about getting the text prozac ain't no bandage to this much blood tattooed on my arm as I had been put on antidepressants and they had done nothing for me, but that line didn't feel right, as much as I loved it when placed in context. I wanted something that would express what I felt about my scars, but something that could stand alone and not sound better when placed into the context of a poem.

I had read the poem Guerrilla Tapestry and had seen it performed and it really struck home, particularly the lines

this hole in my throat this gap in the ink
this place without meaning
this stuttering eloquence of screaming

. It was then I knew that I wanted that last line, but I needed it to be written down differently so that it would make more sense. When I was flicking through the cover of The Manic Street Preachers album Generation Terrorist I came across a quote attributed to Patrick which read There is eloquence in screaming. Right away I knew that was my tattoo; it said everything I wanted it to.

The latest addition to the ranks has been a piece of text from a VNV Nation song called End of Days. The refrain from which the text is taken goes:

The sun was born so it shall die
So only shadows comfort me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me
Each day shall end as it begins
And though you're far away from me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

Although I love the whole song it is the final line which means most to me. Again it relates back to my depression and self injury, but I also find it gives me hope, strange as that may seem. For a long time I've wanted to give up; on myself, on my friends, on the world around me but I've kept going. Some days are worse than others, granted. Some days I want to stay alive because there's so much that I want to do, some days I don't but I know that I'm not alone. For me the darkness in the song refers to the lowest of the low; that pit you sink into when you feel like you're all alone, that no one else could ever feel the same as you. But I know that there are others there with me; some of my closest friends, some strangers who I'll never know, and knowing that I'm not alone gives me the strength to help others, and myself.

I know that I'll never really get out of that darkness and I know that there will be times that I will want to give up and just lie down and go to sleep forever. I think when that time comes I'll welcome it, but for now that tattoo shows me, and others like me, that there are things left worth going on for. That's one reason why the tattoo is written in English, plain for all to see.

I get some strange looks when people see my tattoos. I get asked what they mean, and when I translate the runes I get looked at, as if to say 'Why would you want something like that written on you?'. I'll admit I was nervous each time I went to get the tattoos done; I didn't know what reaction I'd get from my tattooist, whether he'd laugh at me out loud for wanting them, think I was some emo kid or a depressed goth or make me explain why I wanted them, but he didn't. He nodded and tattooed me with no comment on the subject. Now I've come to the realisation that it doesn't matter what people think about these tattoos; if they don't understand the meaning behind them then they haven't been through what I have, and I don't have to respect their opinion. To me these tattoos explain a lot, I believe that people who see them and have been through the same will understand what they mean, both literally and metaphorically.

The tattoos have helped me find myself. The process which started at reading the text and finished at having it written on me has shown me something new at every step. In my own way I have learnt the power of words, and in my own way I want to help others.