Why? We've all been asked at one point or another, and usually it's prompted by honest curiosity. As everyone is an individual with different thoughts and feelings, there is no way I could answer for all of you. However, apart from being a question I've been asked, it's a question I've asked myself. Why? Why change the body I've been given, why "mutilate" myself, why break skin? Why risk public scorn and blood borne diseases? The answer is neither simple nor complete. But this is what I've figured out so far. (If my ramblings are terribly disjointed or inarticulate, I apologize. It's been terribly difficult for me to actually put into words why I've changed myself in the ways that I have, but this is my best attempt.)
At A Glance Author broken_wings Contact [email protected] When N/A First, some background. I am a teenage girl, with a few piercings (16ga tongue web, 14ga septum, 14ga lobes, 16ga anti-tragus) and no tattoos. I don't do drugs, or drink, or smoke. I limit my television intake, I don't jay walk, and I get good grades. I'm going to college. I'm nice to people that don't deserve my courtesy, and I'm damn good at playing cards. I'm normal, and (according to me) I'm doing well in life. I'm average, at the very least. I'm not in a gang, I play sports, I enjoy Shakespeare - I'd make any parents proud... and yet, I've committed a fatal error. I like body modifications.
No, "like" is an understatement. I freaking love body mods. If I was paid to surf the bmezine website, I'd be able to retire by now. I'm obsessed, and my parents do not understand. After a year of pleading, at age sixteen, I was allowed to get my first "real" piercing (other than my lobes) � my anti-tragus, my first bona fide mod. My tongue web and septum piercings, I got done without parental consent as I was finally the legal age. You've probably noticed that those piercings are easily concealed. Yup. They are. I hid these from my parents, got them against their wishes; I defied them. And I feel badly about that, but I'd feel worse had I denied myself that nugget of happiness.
For those of you that figured I was going off on an unrelated tangent, I'll return to the crucial question: Why? Why would I risk the trust and love of my parents? It's simple. My love for myself, my body, my freedom, surpasses my respect for my parents. I acknowledge that they have nothing but love and concern for me, but I feel that they do not understand my motives well enough to pass judgment. I boggle their minds!
To go against my parents wishes, I'd have to have a good reason. These mods make me ME. They make me feel better when I'm sad. They give me confidence. I don't want to stand out � I want to feel better in my own skin. No matter how fat or ugly or stupid I feel, my piercings will remain perfect. When I buy a pair of single flared cubic zirconia bling eyelets from Anatometal, I smile in anticipation and know that they day I wear them, I'll have an extra spring in my step. This is how it goes. These small or large carefully crafted pierces of metal that we buy and insert into our skin � it does something for us. Whether it's aesthetically or sexually or spiritually or symbolically pleasing, in some way or another, it enhances our lives. By enhancing ourselves, either in looks or self-esteem, we improve our lives.
So Mom, when you dye your hair, you are improving your own vision of yourself in order to make yourself feel better. Do you do it to be noticed? Do you do it to stand out? Do you do it to be cool? Mom, do you do it to be a strawberry blonde freak? No. Does it make you feel pretty? It sure as hell does.
So we've already verified that my mods make me feel pretty when I'm down. That's true. But they do more than that. My anti-tragus symbolizes my sweet sixteen, and reminds me of that year of increased independence and responsibility. It also makes me remember the year of begging, pleading, and proving myself I went through in order to gain permission to get it. I also remember checking the bmezine "ear section" and noticing that the anti-tragus section of photos was significantly smaller than some of the other sections. I felt, and still feel, like no matter what I do; there will always be something about me that is special and unique.
My tongue web, that I got right before I started Math 12 in summer school (a 20 day program) helps me recall how hard I studied for my exam, and how diligently I took care of my newly acquired piercing. The piercing was to be a celebratory gift to myself, in advance, for doing well in summer school. (Aside: I got a final of a "B" for Math 12, up from a fail, and my tongue web healed due to sea salt soaks and swishing with anti-bacterial mouthwash after every meal, even at school!) At times, I stopped eating sugary or starchy foods just to keep my tongue web barbell super clean. Not necessarily recommended, but I was dedicated. Now, when I find myself facing a tough exam or homework assignment, I can fiddle with the barbell and remember how hard I worked to get that "B".
My septum is my first visible facial piercing. It meant overcoming fears, fears of pain and of the reactions of my friends and the public. I've worn my circular barbell down a few times now, and I find my confidence level increasing each time. For me, my septum was "stepping out of the box". I went outside of my comfort level, in many ways. I challenged myself, and succeeded.
Finally, my lobes. They are a hellacious tale in themselves. I've had them pierced multiple times in the same spot, due to complications caused by the horrible "piercing guns". Finally, they were re-done correctly with a needle. This symbolized my increase in knowledge. My lobes were my first piercings ever, and they jump-started, so to speak, my drastic increase in learning. I educated myself using resources (okay, mostly just bmezine) and today I know tenfold of what I knew back then. During my self-education of all things mods, I discovered ear stretching. This eventually prompted my ear stretching up to 4ga... which in itself was a journey full of learning. And I learned my lesson, as I ended up downsizing to 14ga because my lobes weren't perfect enough for me.
They look pretty. They're full of deep meaning. AND, they're fun to play with! I'm a fiddler. I need to be tapping or playing with the rings on my fingers or putting my hair in and out of a ponytail.... point being, when I can slide a barbell in and out of my ear, or secretly play with my tongue web barbell while vainly trying to listen to a boring speaker � this enriches my life! I love playing with my piercings. Hopefully, I'm not terribly annoying. Although some of you may not consider this "play", I also love to clean my piercings! I love to brush plaque off of my tongue web barbell, scrape or q-tip mucous off of my septum barbell, or wash ear funk off of my earrings! Sick, perhaps. Enjoyable, heck yes.
I'm becoming far too garrulous for my own good � I've got to stop here. The editorial stops, but the self-exploration does not. My mods, however limited and non-extreme, have taught me much about myself and my life. They have helped me to recall my times of strength, and have helped me to retain a sense of beauty at any given moment. They've taught me to "live a little", and they've let me (a SXE kid) experience a controversial "high".
My parents promised to let me get any mods I want after 18, and they'll love me. But society has not made that same promise, and their ignorance is daunting. So the next time I get asked why, I'll give the perfunctory 2-second answer. But you'll know the truth.
I thank my and your ancestors for the "creation" of body modification. May I never cease answering the weighty question of "Why?" within myself, and may I never feel that I need to justify myself to others.