That is the year that I discovered BME. This is an overview of my life and how BME has helped me.
At A Glance Author kindacurious Contact [email protected] When Ten years ago or more Location UK I've been reading BME for a long time, since I was at university. At the time body modification was quite popular, and it was quite refreshing to see people who could express themselves. At the time I had my ears pierces, a navel piercing and my nostril pierced, not much, but enough for me. Still, I felt that I had to keep these small modifications hidden.
Browsing BME and seeing other people expressing themselves through modification made me feel that there was some hope for me.
My problem has always been that I am very afraid of being different. I guess it comes from my time at school. My parents moved me from one school to another. At the first school I was a house captain, played in the soccer team and performed well academically. Then, when I was 11 my parents moved me to a different school. I did not fit in at that school, I dropped my performance to get out of the top classes filled with kids whose parents were considered "upper class" because basically I was not and they made sure I knew about it. Anyway, bullying in one form or another continued every day for 6 years. Not a small number of bullies, I would say there were actively about 60+ people who tried to make my life a living hell. I silently suffered, very few people close to me know this even happened to me.
Of course, this experience left me with a fear of being different.
A few years passed, I was happy enough, academic performance was back to where it should be, and I went to university. Life was great, I loved seeing people who were not afraid to be different, but at the same time I felt trapped, I longed to experiment with myself and my appearance but was too afraid to do it. Heavy partying and lots of alcohol followed to keep my mind of things. Eventually, I became very depressed. That's when I discovered cutting. Not a huge amount, but enough that it is only now, 12 years later that I dared to go out without making sure they are covered.
Shortly afterwards I discovered BME.
My interest in modification is limited to relatively minor, easily hidden modifications. The only modifications I have left are pierced ears and its also only recently that I started wearing earrings again (my current girlfriend saw that I had pierced ears and wanted to see me with them, I was secretly very happy that she wanted me to be a little different), and of course some scars. Still after all this time I still view BME daily, love reading peoples experiences, sometimes I'm inspired by that I read, sometimes I'm jealous that I still cannot express myself.
It was some recent postings by Shannon and living+dead that really hit home for me. Shannon has written about his experiences with stress and depression, and honestly I am full of admiration for him. He describes stress symptoms that I have but somehow he manages to function well, producing the excellent software that BME Is made of. As a fellow software development I am in awe that he can do this while stressed. My stress levels became so bad that I have been unable to write anything other than trivial software for a long time. Basically, the fact that Shannon has built this online community makes me hope that one day I will learn to function again even with stress and depression problems.
I came across living+dead's IAM page when looking at a tattoo on MODBLOG. I checked out her IAM page and was impressed by the honesty of her writing. It is because of her latest entry that I finally got around to writing this.
I think without BME I would feel much more alone in my journey through life with stress and depression problems. The navel and nostril piercings have gone and I don't think I'm ever going to be a person who has a lot of modifications (although I am now wondering if I can use a tattoo to help conceal some of the scars that I have) I feel a strong connection with this community.
I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks to all of you, you all help me in more ways than you can imagine. Finally after over 10 years of hiding I feel like I'm finally starting to realize that for my own sanity I have to learn to be less afraid of what others think and begin to express myself, even in small ways. I still have a long way to go, and I hope that BME will be around to help me on my journey for many years to come.