Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a very messed up little girl. When I was six, I remember sucking in my stomach at the playground, lest someone discover it's substantial size. I remember being twelve, at gym class, eyeing the legs of other girls. These girls wore shorts; while I was wearing sweat pants in order to hide the hideous monstrosity of my chubby legs. High school brought new pain - each year, during the summer, came the promise that I would lose weight. Other than the few pounds that were often gained and lost, nothing changed.
At A Glance Author broken_wings Contact [email protected] IAM broken_wings When It just happened And now, at college, my mind is still raped by thoughts of food, thinness: insatiable desires. But what does this have to do with BME or body modification? In the immortal words of Aladdin's Genie, "Allow me to illuminate".
You see, until this paragraph I have neglected to mention that I am about 5"10 and 115-130lbs. As I'm sure you'll agree, I am by no means overweight. I did not discover this until high school, when, like a normal teenage girl, I discovered commercial sizing. It's difficult to tell yourself that you're fatter than "Suzie", when Suzie is a size six and you're only a three.
But I digress. As you can see, my mental state is a breeding ground for eating disorder possibilities. However, (in my opinion) I've managed to stay mostly sane and generally healthy, and for that I can thank BME. The discovery of not only BME but mods in general has been the primary reason that I can maintain a semblance of normalcy in my life. There are a number of different facets that contribute to my current disposition, the maintenance of my weight, and increasing self-confidence.
First off, it is extremely difficult to convince oneself to starve when it is quite obvious that lack of food would not be conducive to the healing of a new piercing. I am often starting or in the middle of healing a piercing, and I would rather "be overweight" than make my piercing have prolonged healing � or worse. Coaxing myself to down a bowl of cereal in order to get SEVEN important nutrients that I know will help me heal my latest mod, becomes easy. Without my mods, there is little reason to acquire nutrients. (Apart from living, staying healthy, etc.) In terms of after-care, eating food trumps sea-salt soaks... and each time I make a conscious effort to do both.
But wait! It works in more ways than one. I am consistently in limbo � I am either possessed by the desire to starve or the longing to binge uncontrollably. It's how I react to stress and the confines of society's ideals. And this is how mods save me, yet again. Though excess nutrients would probably not harm a healing piercing, piercings can help me resist the urge to stuff myself silly.
The healing of my tongue web piercing made binging intolerable. Not only was solid food slightly painful to eat, I felt that the exaggerated movements that chewing requires of the tongue could harm my tongue web piercing. As this particular piercing already has a reputation for rejection and migration, I did everything I could to prevent aggravating it. So, not only was I ingesting timely square meals, I was also not over-eating.
To compound this argument, let me reveal that at the moment I am craving a Starbucks pumpkin square, apple pie, popcorn, and chicken sandwiches. These foods are already prepared and within easy reach, and yet I must decline. Not only have I already eaten lunch (and only an hour ago too), I have a beautiful new lower navel piercing that I would hate to disgrace with a bloated stomach. I refrain from overeating (in response to stress, not hunger) in order to "retain that dear perfection" that is my brand new piercing. My formerly disgusting stomach has been transformed into something beautiful. I have learned that I am worth more than gluttony, and my navel piercing reminds me of that. (It's an easy thing to forget.)
Furthermore, piercings just plain boost my self-esteem. I don't have any tattoos at the moment, but I'm certain they would have the same effect. It's hard to engage in self-disrespecting activities when one has a high self-esteem. I find myself holding food and thinking to myself, "I am better than this." With my mods, though few, I find confirmation.
Sometimes, the above elements are either not relevant or not strong enough motivators against self-destructive actions. This is when I go onto the internet, and immerse myself in body modification community resources. I forget how badly I want 3 pizzas when I'm coveting bmeshop's new earrings or when I'm coining the perfect phrase for a submission of mine. Visions of sugar plums stop dancing in my head when they're replaced by visions of future mods I'd like, or when I'm reading a recently recommended experience that I particularly enjoy. And if all else fails, there's always IAM, a great support system when you just need to talk or "get away".
Body modification has a way of occupying my thoughts like nothing else. It is a form of relaxation for me to cruise the net and inform myself on the latest techniques or sales. Honestly, body mod sites (predominately those affiliated with BME), they save me. They save me from myself. My piercings are not only aesthetically pleasing; they are a symbol of my strength. Every piercing healed is a part of me that I've nurtured instead of damaged. For this, I am thankful. BME has become an intensely beneficial part of my life, and I express my gratitude to all of those involved.