| At A Glance | |
| Author | alesita |
| Contact | [email protected] |
| When | Five years ago |
| Artist | - |
| Studio | - |
| Location | Argentina |
I don't remember exactly how it started. I wanted to lose some pounds, because I was a little overweight, and wanted to do it healthily. I asked my endocrinologist if she could design a diet for me, and so she did. As I'm absolutely disciplined, I started losing weight soon. I remember I followed her diet strictly, and I felt so guilty if I didn't.
Then it started... I slowly started to skip some foods. I started eating a little smaller portions, but as time passed, I restricted more and more. Soon I was only having an apple, cut in 4 pieces, as my breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack and supper. Also, I was constantly exercising because, when I was sitting, I could actually FEEL the fat accumulating in my thighs. I remember weighing myself several times a day, terrified thinking I was going to get fat instantly. Also when I was sleeping I dreamt about food, and I woke up guilty and terrified about gaining weight because of the dream.
I reached my goal weight, but it wasn't enough for me. "I'm still fat" I thought, and I was totally obsessed with calories, metabolism and stuff. I had lost my interest in almost everything in my life. My family, my boyfriend, my studies, passed to the background. I had constant fights with my parents and boyfriend, because they thought it was unhealthy... I thought they wanted to ruin my path to a perfect body, and I hated them so much. I couldn't see I was doing something unhealthy.
I started feeling cold all day, even in very warm weather. My hair started falling in bunches, and I felt dizzy every time. (Still I exercised lots. I never stopped doing it.) I was so moody, I cried a lot, I shouted to my family, I escaped when my mother tried to hug me and made her cry. I also lost every interest in sex, in fact I started feeling like a child and thinking about sex like something dirty.
My life was so sad empty. I only felt good when I restricted, I felt omnipotent. I felt it was the only thing I was good at. Oppositely, the guilt when I ate, voices in my head saying I was a worthless pig... Obviously I fell into self injury and all kind of masochist behaviors.
My path to recovery started when I realized my sister was copying me. She started saying she was fat, and weighing herself in the morning, before and after meals, before going to sleep... It's like I woke up from a dream. I started seeing my acts in another way. I still couldn't stop my habits (some of them persist even now) but finally I KNEW I was sick. I started my treatment with a psychologist, psychiatrist and nutritionist. They asked me to get some blood tests, and it turned out my hormonal levels had dropped as I was a 8 or 9 old girl.
Still I was losing weight, because I wanted to recover but I couldn't eat without feeling guilty and having panic attacks. It's been a long path, I'm not cured yet and I don't know if I'll ever be. But, I hope, the worst is over.
Now, considering my anorexia as a body modification I'm not approving it, nor I'm encouraging people to get into something like this. Sure, it was a body modification, and my biggest one. But there is GOOD body modification, and BAD body modification. You can change your appearance if you don't like it, but there are different ways. You can go to a good piercer, and get a nice piercing and take care of it until it heals, OR you can pick a sewing needle from the garbage and poke yourself with it. That's the difference between healthy and unhealthy body modifications.
My "healthy" mods are eight piercings and two tattoos (and more to come soon!!), and I love them and don't regret about any of them. I put a lot of dedication and love in the design of my tattoos and they have a strong meaning for me. I know I'll never regret.
Au contraire, when I think about all the things I lost because of my anorexia, how it ruined part of my life and my loved-ones', and how it transformed me in an obsessive, paranoid, sick and superficial person... When I remember I didn't mind if I died to be "beautiful", how I put my health into a great risk... I can't stand thinking about it. I totally regret about THAT modification.
I'm absolutely pro-body modification. We're attached to our bodies until the rest of our lives, so if you want to change your body, why not? But do it healthily. If you attack your body, you will get sick and you'll never like it, you'll never be happy or comfortable with it. Love yourself instead, and put all that love into your body modifications so you'll like yourself even more.
My unhealthy body modification
My healthy body modifications
