I am a grown adult woman, and I have been self-injuring for over fifteen years, including cutting. I decided to write this after a) seeing so many questions and comments about self-injury online, and b) realizing that most of the self-injury stories posted to BME were written by younger folks who have only been doing it a short time. People like to try and draw the line between modification injuries and medically described "cutting" self-injuries, but I don't think the line is so much there. Let me be clear�I am not calling people who pierce, tattoo, brand, or scarify insane or in need of therapy or intervention. Not at all. I think self-injury is simply the extreme end of a spectrum that includes tattoos and piercings.
At A Glance Author LovleAnjel Contact [email protected] IAM LovleAnjel When N/A Self-injury is a not a new thing, it is not a teenage disorder, and does not result from hanging out with the bad kids at school or listening to shitty heavy metal music. I think the internet has made it easier for people to "come out" about self-injury, and spreading information about self-injurious activities increases their occurrence. You hurt, you find someone like you who does something they claim makes them fell better, so you try it. Thus it spreads.
Self-injury is a way of self-medicating. It makes you feel better for a little while. Some people get it from the sight of blood or cuts, some from the pain of sharp blades, some from the burning sensation of dull blades. The shot of endorphins your body releases in response is a reward to your brain for injuring its own body. When someone is in severe internal mental pain, there is no drug that helps. Younger people may not be able to ask for help, either out of fear or shame. Some of us simply refuse drugs and therapy. Why not? The hurt does a better, quicker job of making us feel better. It's easy to do.
Body modification has the end result of making people prettier, but in the moment that same release of endorphins occurs in response to the injury. The same process takes place�a person decides to hurt themselves, and gets a reward. Many people site deep, internal emotional struggles as the reason for their modifications (obviously not every person, and for the same person, not for every modification). These people use body modifications as a coping mechanism. It's certainly less inherently dangerous than self-injury with a rusty razor at home, but the result is the same.
I was raped by a close family member when I was eight. I experienced my first episode of major depression at nine. I began self-injuring. My first suicide attempt (aborted) was at age ten. I became socially isolated at school. Brothers in junior high and high school want nothing to do with a kid sister. There were no pills in my parents' medicine cabinet capable of making me feel better. The first time I hurt myself seriously was when I used a dull scissors to scrape all the skin off the web between my thumb and first finger. I still have the scar, seventeen years later. I like it. It doesn't make me feel ashamed, or guilty, or make me sad thinking about how I felt when I did it. It's the mark of my first exploration into altering my body physically to make myself feel better emotionally. My piercings and tattoos are an extension of this�they just look prettier to the rest of the world than my scars do. I am a lot happier now than I used to be, so the at-home activity is rare. But I still do it.
Is it unhealthy to deal with mental pain this way? Sure it is. But I don't think there's a really healthy way to deal with mental pain. I hate people, especially strange people. I can be pathologically shy at times. There is no way in hell I will ever talk to a therapist willingly. I absolutely refuse to take medication�I was a super-strict about this in high school (no booze, no cigarettes, no recreational drugs, no Tylenol, Advil, Nyquil or anything else OTC), and my general opinion of chemical manipulation has stuck. But physically altering my body in order to induce its own palliative chemical response is acceptable to me. So increasing serotonin by exercising and hurting myself are what I do. I have found something that helps, and is free and easy to do to boot.
I also modify to deal with emotional pain. A few things were done for their external goodness, but most everything was done to deal with the pain. When you are completely unable to control your life, when people hurt you in way that not only can't be prevented, but makes you feel guilty at the same time, it's nice to hurt yourself on purpose. You have control over your pain and your body. It no longer belongs to the people who abused it, but becomes yours again.
Would I actually recommend self-injury as a way to deal with emotional trauma? Absolutely not. I would never suggest anyone else cause themselves injury or pain. But I understand why people do it. It does not make them crazy or stupid. They found something they can do that makes them feel better. Some people overeat. Some people turn to drugs or booze. Some people act like total assholes and get into fights. It all comes from the same place.