Funmail 14
Once again, your favorite column... Some of the best, and some of the
funniest, and some of the rudest letters to the editor I've recieved
lately.
Why? Don't Do That! (and variants thereupon)
| From: "Antony" <[email protected]> |
| Subject: (no subject) |
hi, i was just wondering if you really enjoy watching this stuff, im not
trying to put you down if you like it thats fine i just cant imagine anyone
who would, it gives me a bad feeling in my gut but i would be intrested to
hear how you feel about it.
thankyou bye...
|
Well, lots of people do it, and lots of people enjoy it. It's not for
everyone, but it is the right thing for a small and special minority.
| From: "Andreas Mellenhampf" <[email protected]> |
| Subject: It must hurt like hell... |
I'm a swedish male at the age 24 and I have a question for you!!
What drives a person to do such nasty things to oneself? Castrate oneself and affect permanent damage to oneselfs genitals!
I can't quite understand these persons, can they really use their things again?
This is a serios letter, i can't figure those people out?
It must hurt like hell.....but hey, maybe thats the thing they like, pain...???? Who knows?!?! I don't!
Do they do it themselfs or is someone else doing it? Are they under the influence of drugs maybe?
Don't they regret doing it later? I would have!!
Please respons to this letter..!! Thank you in advance.
BRGDS
Carl
|
You're obviously a very tolerant and open-minded person. Why would someone
write me such a nasty letter? I can't figure these people out. Do they regret
having written these things? I would.
| From: <[email protected]> |
| Subject: body piercing |
|
hi!!!! welll, for me it's not right getting a tattoo or body piercing. I
really don't understand why do they need to do it with their body? There are
a lot of things that you can do to be cool, if that's what they want to show
to anybody.....I think it's disgusting!!!!!everyone of us have a free speech
,right!!!!! Even though that it's in their culture,,,i think it's not
appropriate at all. You know what?,,I ahve a Sociology teacher who has a
tattooo on her back... I really can/t believe her...she's a teacher and she
must be ,, you know a role model to us...But anyways,,,i think it'sss not
right!
|
Tattoo on her back? Why does that even matter? It's so not a big deal!
Really, if you're going to worry about what people do on an ethical level,
I'd like to hear a single good reason why a person can't get a relatively
private tattoo. Don't you think that the fact that this person is a sociology
professor means that they have a solid grasp as to what a tattoo means?
| From: "Caitlyn Crelin" <[email protected]> |
| Subject: Question |
I hate to sound condesnding, but as a 15 yr. I was just wondering why
anyone would do that to themselves? I mean, is it for fun?! Do you do it
cause you have nothing better to do, or when you get old you can tell
you'r poker friends you twisted up your genital area & posted he pics on
the internet. Or you mangled your ankel with a scapel and set it aflame
to stop the bleeding? Or maybe at 30 you can tell your hsuband you can't
have kids cause you cut up & pierced you'r crotch? Ya know, I was just
wondering what kind of drugged up psychos it would take to mutilate
themselves. I have to say, I got my nose pierced at 13 so everyone could
look and gawk, but chopping yourself up seems a bit desperate for
attention.
~kel
|
I think that getting your nose pierced for attention is a bit desperate.
You obvioiusly don't get it; you're just 15. Maybe when you grow up...
Woo, woo!
| From: "Dorsey Elkins" <[email protected]> |
| Subject: toomuch |
|
You are to ballsy for your quest. It iss a differentiaal I can feel
thaat repels towardss you. Thank God I aam not related to you.
|
The funny thing about these stupid people is that when you look at their
emails, letters are repeated. I can only assume this is because their brain
is moving so slowly, and their fingers do as well, causing the letters to
repeat.
| From: "elijahd" <[email protected]> |
| Subject: (no subject) |
yo.....this is the most crazy shit i have ever seen
these people r seriously demented.....good pain threshold i geuss.....weird
|
Again, woo, woo!
Simple and to the point. At least now I can swear in Danish.
| From: "Gwynn Freund" <[email protected]> |
| Subject: Scars are forever |
|
A cautionary tale...I am a conservative, religious woman who would never
dream of doing any of the things described on your web page (I decided to
skip the pictures) and yet I am cursed by the itchiest, ugliest scar of
anyone I know. Fortunately, it is from my caesarian section, so I don't
really have to worry about it's appearance. The incision was done by a
well-respected doctor who I like and trust very much, in a totally
controlled environment and yet 9 years later I still itch like crazy.
Further I am a very fair skinned person (according to your FAQ's, not likely
to keloid).
I don't pretend to understand the motivations of your contributors. But I
would hope that some 19 year old who thinks it would be cool to have a
branding would just stop for a minute to consider that he or she will get to
keep that scar forever, however it turns out. Just wait a while. You'll
get older and you'll need an operation, and you can get your scar paid for
by your insurance.
|
Thanks for the warning, but did you ever consider that maybe you got your
scar for a totally different reason than the people on BME get their
scars?
| From: "jonjen" <[email protected]> |
| Subject: Warning. |
|
I am writing to express my extreme disgust at the material you authorise to
be displayed on these pages. All the stuff you show is a corruption of
public morals, and my team will be getting in touch with the High Court in
London soon to consider the possibility of an injunction being put onto this
webpage to prevent it being shown in the UK.
Alex Smith Q.C.
High Lane Chambers
London.
|
Yeah, I'm sure they'll go for that.
| From: "Lisa Serekian" <[email protected]> |
| Subject: none |
|
DONT IT HURT!!! Please write back because I really want to know,I too
have been thinking about this in my deepest fantasies. Please reply
SOON!
|
Yes, it hurts a lot.
| From: "Mary Pena-Roque" <[email protected]> |
| Subject: Tongue Peircing |
My mother won't let me get my tongue peirced and
she says it is disgusting and stupid. I think the basic reason she wont let me
peice it is cause it will make her look like a bad mother cause her 14 year old
son got his tongue peirced. Well thats stupid adults dont know what their
talking about its my body if i wont to hurt it then let me hurt it and learn
from my mistakes. My question is is that she says if it gets infected you
can die. Is this true?????? Then she said some guy at her work says
guys that get there tongue peirced are gay is this true too?????????? But
can you e-mail me back saying what can happen if it gets infected and if your
gay if you have one. Also she says she will be able to see it when im
talking can she?? Well E-mail me back A.S.A.P
THANX DUDE
|
Goddamn, I feel sorry for you. My parents and their friends may not like
piercing, but at least they're not stupid. You will not die from a tongue
piercing. The gay statement is just bigoted bullshit. However, she probably
will be able to see it when you talk.
| From: "Robert Devlin" <[email protected]> |
| Subject: Help |
|
I am 46 years old, I am not very sure about what I am seeing, Is
there something about body art, That I have missed? I personally feel a
tatoo brands you, Like a cow. Am I misguided? I am not trying to be a
smart ass, It just has no appeal for me.
|
It does brand you like a cow. Or it brands you like a piece of art. It all
depends on how you look at it. Obviously in you see yourself more like a
cow, whereas we see ourselves more like pieces of art. I'm glad to be art,
not a cow!
Greed (and variants thereupon)
a.k.a. I'm not a tattoo studio
| From: ACDCLKG |
| Subject: in room pierceing and tatoos |
|
need info on a PA am thinking of getting one
|
So read the webpage, lazy bones!
| From: ARi3824395 |
| Subject: (Kein Thema) |
|
i am looking for long uncut cocks please
|
Aren't we all?
| From: Bubbles |
| Subject: Tattoos! |
Hi, I was wondering if it is possible for you to send me a book of pictures
of tattoos? I need lots of different pictures/designs for my art work.
Can you help me? Please e-mail me and tell me if you can help at all.
Thank you,
Samantha :0)
|
Yeah, just mailing out free books to people is what I do!!! Wow... It's one
thing for people to expect free memberships for doing nothing, but to
actually expect that I should send a total stranger free tattoo books is
inconceivable.
| From: goldy5 |
| Subject: curious for ideas |
I wish to have something interesting done
and need ideas and am willing to submit evidence ok
I need pictures and yeas thank you redel
|
That's good, someone with so little sense of self that they'd ask a total
stranger to redesign them.
| From: JSMAX419 |
| Subject: tats |
|
please help me find a sleeve tat i need ideas send some pics ill give 50$ for
the one i pic
|
Am I a tattoo studio? I believe I have answered this question before. Not
even $50 will turn me into one.
| From: kh |
| Subject: Re: Service 0000042C |
|
don't like to give credit card no. over
internet if i can get immediate accsess will send check by mail or i can give
you my account no, to auto with draw
|
First, it's actually safer to use your credit card online than almost anywhere
else thanks to the encryption. Secondly, I'm not about to hand a complete
stranger immediate access on the empty promist that they'll send me a cheque!
| From: Lukas |
| Subject: Hi |
|
Can you send me some piczures of Tattoos which were placed between the shoulders
but they should be not to large?
|
Didn't I mention I'm not a tattoo studio? On top of that, why is it that
all these people that email me can't come up with their own designs? Why
come to me, a person they don't know?
| From: Method For six nine |
| Subject: Re: my piercing |
|
that is not a friend of you. if you dont believe me,
and are not gonna give me a membership please dont put
my picture on the web then.
|
If you're wondering what that means, the person above kept emailing me the
same photo over and over -- a photo taken from BME, and on top of that, a
photo of a friend of mine. This person claimed, even after I pointed out
their lie, that it was them!!!!
| From: Mike Tempest |
| Subject: money,money,money |
how about something for free
SMOKEDOG BABY
TAKE A TOKE!
AND I'M OUT
MIKELOC......
|
"I'll take anything, as long as it's free!"
| From: NICKPAC17 |
| Subject: tattoo |
|
hay can u help me find a cartoon monkey for a tattoo ive looked and looked i
though u might be able to help me
|
Let me remind everyone -- ANY picture can be tattooed. If you're looking
for a cartoon monkey, don't go to a tattoo resource. Go to a cartoon monkey
resource (children's books, video games, etc.). Oh, and did I mention that
I'm not a tattoo studio?
| From: PBULLS77 |
| Subject: Hawaiian Tribal |
|
Hi there! I am looking for a Hawaiian tribal design for the back or
calf?! I was hoping you could help the cause for a fee?
|
My reply was of course "I am not a tattoo studio, nor do I do tattoo designs
for people. Most tattoo studios have books of flash. Just ask them." Their
reply:
| From: PBULLS77 |
| Subject: Re: Hawaiian Tribal |
|
OK! Thats what I call response. I will pay u to find this design, how
much do u want? Reasonable price is a must for this college student!
|
What, do I come off as someone so desperate that I can be bribed into getting
tattoo designs for them? Did I ever tell you about how I'm not a tattoo
studio?
| From: POLiRAgE |
| Subject: hello |
|
what the fuk do you use an elastrator for?
|
Come by the BME offices and I'll show you.
Stupid Questions (and just plain stupid)
| From: 73574.750 |
| Subject: (no subject) |
I'm interested in piercing but am under age. Is there any way you can include
info about self-done piercing?
and if your needing more money try selling jewelry mabey
k bye
|
First, piercing is not something you can learn online. Second, I already do
have a jewelry store!!!!
| From: beco |
| Subject: Just want to know... |
|
What exactly is a Eunuch? I'm sorry but I am a lot niave. I went in with a
keyword looking for a man on woman type thing and got this so I want to
know what this is. Thank You
|
Some people seem to have real trouble with reading, and resort immediately
to asking their question via email... It's not like the answer to this
question is that difficult to figure out. Certainly it would take less time
than sending this email and waiting for a reply. People are shockingly lazy.
| From: Dementednympho |
| Subject: question on naval piercing... |
hey i hope this doesn't count under one of those dumb letter compilations,
but actually itd be pretty cool to have my name immortalized!! my question:
is it possible for a naval piercing to do anything to the umbilical cord? i
mean in the future if a girl were to have a baby and had scars from an old
piercing, has there ever been any record of damage being done?! sorry this is
a dumbass question but i can quote you saying "Feel free to ask BME
questions, even if you think they're dumb." and im bored
thanks bye
|
I've heard of women not knowing their anatomy -- it's common for many to
think they have a clit piercing when in fact they just have a hood or even
labial piercing... but this takes the cake! Let me explain: the umbilical
cord that once attached you to your mother went from what is now your navel
to her womb. When you have a baby, it will be attached to your womb. It will
not be attached to your navel!
| From: Necronom |
| Subject: Here's my submission for mem. |
these are pics of me with my inner-brows pierced. So far, i am the only
one that i know of with this done. I just want it to be known that I
though of this and did it _way_ before anyone else. I'm sick of all these
preps doing what i do a year later...
...adam...
|
I hate to break it to you, but while this might be a big deal in the small
town you're from, it's far from unique. Folks -- if you are into piercing
because you want to be the first, give it up. It's all been done. Do it
because you like it, not because you're wanting to show off. All of these
claims were staked decades ago.
| From: nico |
| Subject: jewelery |
If I want to purchase plastic body jewelery from BME, I need to
understand the measurement of it.
I have no idea of what 12ga or 2ga means. Can you help me please. Is it
milimeters, or what?
and also tell me if I am right, for diameters, when you say 1/2", it
means half an inche ??? and 3/4" is bigger.
I know my questions are weird for you but as you know we don't have the
same measurement in europe.
|
Ok, the gauge question is a valid one. Gauge to mm tables are in the piercing
FAQ. You can find it by clicking on FAQ on the main menu of BME. However,
fractions? Of course 1/2" is smaller than 3/4" -- I'm fairly certain that
fractions are the same in Europe, aren't they?
| From: POLiRAgE |
| Subject: hello |
|
im stretching my ears and i usually go up 2guages each time ( like 12 to 10
guage)
right now in one earlobe i have a 6guage a 14 guage and a 16guage and i
was wondering what guage those would be the equvilant of
|
Huh? (If you didn't notice, this is the same dingo that wanted to know
what an elastrator was).
| From: psiciliano |
| Subject: (none) |
|
hi i was wondering i heard from somewhere that
the string under ur tongue keeps ur tongue in place what if the string broke
would that make ur tongue longer???? thanx for ur answer if u can help me on
this one
|
I hate it when people write in "online ebonics" (for lack of a better term).
My reply: "Please phrase your question in English so I know what you're
trying to ask." Here's what came back:
| From: psiciliano |
| Subject: Re: (none) |
|
ok under ur tongue the string thats connected to ur bottom of ur mouth if
that were to break would ur tongue be longer ,,,,,,
|
I don't know if they're joking, or if they're seriously unable to write
coherently? No grammer, no spelling, made up phonetic words, and what's with
all the commas? My spelling and layout and grammer (or is it grammar) is
far from perfect, but I think that it's at least readable.
| From: steelem |
| Subject: question??? |
|
hi my name is jaime i want to get my tongue pierced but my parents wont
let me. is there any way i could get it done but hide it from them?????
please help me
|
No. Although there are tongue retainers, and clear beads, and things like
that, don't bet on it hiding it. Unless you have the piercing underneath
your clothes, and don't wear tight clothes, people will see your piercing.
Especially parents.
Generally ODD emails
| From: bobby hewkin |
| Subject: n\a |
|
HI i dont have many email friends. So if you would write me back with some
detals about you thin i will sind you same ok .......
|
I don't know if I should be feeling sorry for this person?
| From: Buddy956 |
| Subject: hey--please read this..! |
|
hey I have a quick quetsion for you...were you the one who wrote the story
about tounge piercing?
|
Ummmm.... Perhaps you didn't realize that there are 500 stories about
tongue piercing as of this writing! Even if it was me, don't you think you
can come up with a more meaningful question?
| From: Cambria S. |
| Subject: i think... |
|
who is this? i think i know u from a long time ago but
i'm not certain. write to me so i can know if i'm
right or not.
|
Who is this? You'd think that if you email someone, you have at least a vague
idea of who they are?
| From: CrAkHeEdD |
| Subject: Re: ilysagf |
|
DAMN THE MAN, I'M DOINIT AGAIN!! I HATE MY LIFE....EMOOOO
|
Yeah, damn the man!
| From: [email protected] |
| Subject: help |
|
my name i Jeremy and i am in college at a college in Alabama i need
information on the background concerning the prince Albert piercing for my
history class. with this i can automatically make an A and i need it.
thanx a lot Jeremy
|
My reply was simply "Do some research. I'm not writing the report."
A lot of folks seem to think that the Internet means a free ride for school
reports. It's not like that at all. The Internet is just a really big,
really disorganized library, where most of the books are written by idiots
and liars. His reply:
| From: [email protected] |
| Subject: re: help |
I have, my computer licks up every time I try t get anything done. I might
have sounded like I have not tried but I have tried hard o get these things
done. I tried. If you know the reason please just tell me. The only thing I
have found is that prince Albert was pierced to hide his penis in his
trousers.
Jeremy
|
Huh? My reply: "Your computer is trying to lick your Price Albert so you
hide it in your trousers???". His reply:
| From: [email protected] |
| Subject: re: help |
|
No wonder you became a piercer because you damn sure cannot spell and you are
a Dick. I e-mail you for help and you were a Dick. I hope you have a nice
life asshole.
|
Woah! Some people in Alabama have no sense of humor! I can't spell? Talk
about glass houses! ...Oh, and did I ever tell you that I'm not a piercer?
| From: Idevoured |
| Subject: (no subject) |
|
could u please send me the old link to ur first page in 94' ? thank you
|
Yeah, I'll mail you my time machine.
| From: drex_l |
| Subject: Help |
You don't know me, but I really don't know who else to talk to about this.
I don't like my parents, I can't say I don't love them, because I do, but
I just don't get along with them. It feels as if I keep on disappointing
them, and can never please them. They keep on holding me back, holding me
back from who I am, and who I want to become. If you could give me any
advice to help solve this little predicament I'm in, I would be very
greatful, any advice is fine.
From: a son with problems
|
Um... I'm not a counsellor, but take it easy, try not to worry about it
so much. One day soon enough you'll be grown up, you'll move out, and you
can make your own decisions. But right now you are dependent on them.
| From: kill_the_world |
| Subject: shirts |
|
hey shannon i was interested in your tshirts. can i get one for $10 instead
because i dont have 20.
|
Yeah, that's what I'll do. Isn't this the second time you've been in this
column? Some people never learn!
| From: KGRATRIX |
| Subject: (no subject) |
could you please send me the address of the " flaming ass" i am trying to
show it to my friends and i cant find it
thank you
kristen
|
My reply "I believe that address is [email protected]". Her reply:
| From: KGRATRIX |
| Subject: Re: (no subject) |
that wasent very nice
you can fuck your self
|
Like I said before, some people have no sense of humor. Not like I had any
idea what she was talking about anyway. I think if you want to see the
flaming ass you'll have to go to a Terrence and Philip web page. What, just
because we're both Canadian...?
| From: MADDIII |
| Subject: hello |
|
My girlfriend, Beth wants to castrate me, but she didn't see the tool she
wanted. Do you have anything that looks like pruning shears, but with sharp
inward curving blades that go around the balls, traping them before cutting
them off? Also, Will the elastrator work completely? Beth wants to do this to
me soon and if I don't get her the tools fast shes going to bobbittize me as
well, so please respond as soon as you can. Sincerly -Tom
|
The following came about six hours later:
| From: MADDIII |
| Subject: hey |
|
In the words of my g/f "thanks for ignoring us, you fucking bitch, see if we
ever buy your shit again", Have a nice day, -Tom
|
Can you say psycho?
| From: MotorHeads74 |
| Subject: question? |
|
how many words per minute do you type?...... Thank you.
|
What kind of a bizarro question is that?
| From: halsey13 |
| Subject: hellp me build a school |
|
you are almost there.
|
Ummm... OK?
| From: WEAVIE2216 |
| Subject: no subject |
|
Can I be different like everyone else? Please ponder this question.
|
Now you're special. You're in funmail!
Offers
| From: Michael |
| Subject: I would like to be NULLO 2 |
|
Hellom my name is Mike and I would like to become NULLO 2 and have my
cock cut off by a cute little female just like in the Nullo 1 video I
wanna do that same thing and I am 19 years old and decided I wanna do
this really bad ever since I seen the nullo 2 pictures I wanted to have
my 8 inch cock cut off and keep it froze and I wanna this videotaped so
if you are interested in doing this little project let me know cuz I
really wanna do this just find a female or a guy but perfirrably female
to cut it off like nullo 1 please but I gotta take off email me back
please.
|
The punchline to this story is that the cutter in NULLO1 is not
a "cute little female" -- he is a large hairy bear male! Some people's
delusional fantasies run so deep that I guess they get them mixed up.
I do not organize castrations, penectomies, etc. for obvious legal
reasons.
| From: spt |
| Subject: take me |
|
I'm the one you want.
|
Oh, all right then.
...and a followup
Tal Pilkinton thought he was so smart.... But many people emailed to point
out that he was in error.
| From: jaydog |
| Subject: One for Fun Mail... |
|
In your latest "Fun Mail", Tal Pilkinton takes you to task for using the
term "octopi", supposedly incorrectly. Well, according to Merriam-Webster,
you're right, and he's wrong. The entry below is from Webster's onlne
dictionary, at <http://www.m-w.com/dictionary.htm>. O'course, after reading
his convoluted reasoning, I can only guess that he musta been high...
Love the web site. Keep up the good work.
Jason
world-wide pedant
/*stolen from WWWebster*/
Main Entry: oc�to�pus
Pronunciation: '�k-t&-p&s, -"pus
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -pus�es or oc�to�pi /-"pI/
Etymology: New Latin Octopod-, Octopus, from Greek oktOpous
Date: 1758
1 : any of a genus (Octopus) of cephalopod mollusks that have eight
muscular arms equipped with two rows of suckers; broadly : any octopod
excepting the paper nautilus
2 : something that resembles an octopus especially in having many centrally
directed branches
|
Thanks!!!!! Keep that mail coming!
Shannon
[email protected]
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