Defining my Identity Through the Outside from the Inside

My disability more or less forces me to be conscious of my identity. Therefore, my disability has become a large contributor to who I am. My lack of muscle control, my speech impediment, my physical breakdown have shaped my identity. My mental capacities largely exist in what forms they may because of my physical capacities. I think as a man on the outskirts of society because the handicapped will never be incorporated into the mainstream. Therefore, I have reclaimed my body through physical adornment because, for me, this act coincides with my mentality. I have pierced and tattooed myself, my body, to complement my disability. Body art gives me a new way of looking at myself. Anyway, I figure if people are gonna stare because of the chair - I might as well give them something interesting to look at. A chair by itself is pretty boring.

Tattooing and piercing provide me with an unspoken language in which to define myself. Because of my speech problems, along with my disability, people assume that I am mentally retarded. The body art, however, is a way to show people that I can think for myself. I mean, let's face it, no parent in their right mind would tattoo their child. My body art provides me with a clear voice I may otherwise not have. I can now clearly show the world who (or what) I am.

Because of my dependence on others to provide me with aid in bathing, dressing, almost all actions largely taken for granted by the abled; I feel my body is no longer my own. I need help in almost every physical aspect of my life. People can, a lot of times, choose my bedtime, choose my clothing, among other things- I feel very limited. But with piercing and tattooing I make the choice of what happens to my body. This way I reclaim my body as my own. Also, my disability is caused by a degenerative muscle disease, Muscular Dystrophy, that causes my current physical condition to be temporary, ever changing. My body art is permanent; it will always be there. My tattooing and piercing provide a sense of stability in their permanence.

Other disabled individuals, by and large, have attempted assimilation into the social mainstream. I strongly believe that no matter what, the disabled will never be part of the mainstream- never be "normal". Anyway, normal is boring. I personally have chosen to go the other way and remove myself from the mainstream (or that possibility) as much as possible. I'm already seen as different from the norm because of my disability- a physical deviation. The "physical norm" in this country belongs to the abled. Anything outside that norm is seen by most as freakish. I choose to take that "freakishness" and complement it with body piercing and tattooing.

I understand the point that other disabled individuals are trying to make by being as "normal" as possible. They are attempting total assimilation by wearing clothes, listening to music, and so on that conform to the social mainstream. When many of the disabled people see me they are angered. They look at me as though I were rubbing salt on the wound. I am seen as a contra in the battle for the assimilation of persons with disabilities. But I feel their way is counterproductive, a backslide. We need to thrust our individuality to the front lines.

I remember, when I used to wear my hair in a Mohawk, I passed two women who commented; "There's something you don't see everyday - a handicapped person with a Mohawk." Why is that? I guess people just don't expect the handicapped to go against the grain. But its idiotic people like these two women that make me want to go against the grain in the worst way. I don't want others to assume what my identity should be because of my disability. The assumption is widespread that the disabled largely do not go against the grain. People expect the disabled to conform.

As my disability largely defines my identity I am also not going to let it define me on its own. For instance, I will not change who I am because of my disability. My disability is not the soul reason I'm into body art. A freak is a freak is a freak. I would be even more heavily pierced and tattooed, but my disability prevents me from tattooing or piercing certain parts of my body. The possibility of a career also prevents such action. My parents always say that it's hard enough for me to get a job because of my disability, but my body art only makes matters worse. They also believe strongly that it is difficult for me to integrate into society fully because of the disability and they believe my body art only adds to the problem. But I figure people need to get over it - both the disability and the body art. That goes for everyone.

In the same sense my disability has not become the main voice throughout my writing. Out of hundreds of poems I have maybe five that have a theme of disability. Which is strange because my disability is in the forefront of most other aspects of my life. I do have a few poems about body art. Body art has provided a stronger voice with which to write. Perhaps, though, my body art is used to subconsciously mask my disability throughout my writing.

I was diagnosed with a fairly rare form of Muscular Dystrophy, Freidrich's Ataxia, when I was seven. This meant that I would have to wear leg braces and a back brace. This "oddity" would be seen clearly by my peers. Part of me welcomed this oddity with open arms; I could now be physically different- more of an individual. As I entered high school and the wheelchair, however, I wanted to be like everyone else. I hated my disability. My comfort with my disability came later in life. I became comfortable with my difference. Body art gives me the power to choose - to reclaim my difference as my own.

My first tattoo came when I had just turned twenty. Less than five years later I am up to twelve. I now have only five piercings; three in my ear lobes, one in my right rook (cartilage right above the ear canal), and one in my lower lip. I have had well over twenty facial piercings. Overall, I do this to overshadow my disability for myself and others. People focus on the body art and don't think about the disability for a moment. Or, maybe, it's the other way around; perhaps the body art brings more focus to the disability. I don't know or really care anymore. People are going to look at me however they want. So, for that reason, I will be the biggest FREAK I want.

Adam Cline
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