I have often wondered what exactly is it that trigger a wish, or an obsession to alter your own body. Why would someone, like me for instance, have a piercing? Or a tattoo? Or even surgical mods?After almost a year of contemplating I knew what I wanted to say and by doing it in a way that couldn't be changed, at least not without a considerable effort, I finally had a tattoo done. Not much compared to what I eventually will do to modify my body, but it's a start . Besides, it's nice.
Already as small kid, maybe 8, 9 or 10 years old, I started to push needles through various parts of my body. At that time I had discovered that it was only the first couple of seconds that hurt. After that it was almost painless. I can vividly remember that I had something like a rush flowing through my body. My heart was beating faster and my face became suddenly very warm. I didn't have a mirror and I was probably so preoccupied that I wouldn't have looked in it anyway, but blushing is maybe an understatement here.
To realize that I could push needles in, through and out on the other side of a body part gave me an enormous sense of control. (Maybe I started this because I was very small and skinny as a kid, and almost always lost in fights with the bigger ones, and that this gave me the sense of control I missed elsewhere :-)
As I grew older (appr. 14 years old) all of this became stronger and stronger. It was not enough anymore just to poke my mothers sewing needles through my ears, nostrils, nipples or through the foreskin of my penis. The fact that I could have done the eyebrows as well actually never occured to me until I saw it done on somebody else many years later.
This was "extremely off-Broadway", 1979, and I was 14. I didn't know what piercing was. I had never seen piercings other than female earlobes. And there I was, punching bigger and bigger holes in bodyparts that I was not even allowed to mention. Not only that. I was always very excited when my aunt came visiting. She had cut off half of her left hand in an electrical saw as a girl and the sight of her smooth remaining finger stumps pushed my "internal pictures" of how I would like to look like, even further in terms of doing other things to my body than making holes in it. To say that I felt like a freak and slightly bizarre is not even remotely close. What if someone discovered my secrets? My God, I would have ended up in a juvenile correctional facility before I could have said meatotomy. To jump forward many years, I must say it was a huge relief to discover web-sites like BME and Dragonworks (amputee/devotee/wannabe oriented site). Suddenly I discovered that if I was a freak, there were many of us.
I saw a picture of a guy who had split his penis completely in two (spcbiur1.jpg), and I thought: What a courage this man must have had! I also saw a picture of a guy who had split the head (frbi1.jpg), and I thought: This is what I want! At least a part of what I want, because I still want to amputate either some fingers on my left hand, and the ultimate dream: my left leg at mid thigh.
The amputations, at least the leg amputation, are a bit tricky, but the head split is within reach. Preparations for the head split have been made, there's only a couple of things I have check out first...
So why haven't I done it yet?
Well, the trickiest part of all is to tell the person I live with:
Will she understand?
Will she freak out completely?
Or will she enjoy to give "two heads"? :-)
Will my lack of some fingers turn our sexlife downwards?
(I'm quite good with them :-))
If I manage to get the leg amputation done, will my leg stump turn her off?Many questions that I will have to find the anwers to little by little. I will try to post the answers here when it feels convenient or appropriate.
g. bache
[email protected]