I have been discussing my desire to go nullo with a friend of mine who believes I am insane. Despite the fact that I am certified as such, lacking only a diploma, I have been trying to explain to my friend why this seems to make sense. None of it seemed to work, though--I knew there was a way of looking at it that I just could not verbalize to her. I tried to explain how I had wanted this done when I was younger (and had gone through the self- mutilation period so many men do). I mentioned the men who go through the procedure and are happier for it. The problem was, I felt I was trying to convince myself as well.What did this mean to me? And why do I feel the need to go nullo? After all, I am not an un-masculine person; while I am not a macho guy by any means, I am still very much a GUY. I love football and cars and I never clean up after myself, so it doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean I am free from procreation, either. I had not intended to have kids anyway, and though I am an 80/20 (f/m) bisexual, there's not been too much threat of my impregnating anything. I'm not threatened by or threatening to anyone's masculinity.
Just like my bisexuality, though, there is more than meets the eye. Long ago, I had figured that regardless of home influence, I would have likely been bi, anyway. (Johnny Depp is too cute for me not to be.) But so much of what made me overtly bi, and for years needily so, was a crushing series of sexual abuses in my youth. For years I wrestled with that hydra--would I have been bi without the abuse? Did I *ask* for the abuse? How would my behavior have differed without the abuse? I used to have boy-boy crushes in elementary school--was that because of the abuse? And the truth I had to ultimately settle upon was that, plainly, I was just attracted to *some* members of the same sex, and not always sexually! Some men are really just wonderful to look at, and others are just wonderful to snuggle with, and sometimes ya get both.
But where does that put me and going nullo? Since my teenage years, I wanted the package removed, though I agonized, cried, and howled over this one in those tender years. What made me want this? I mean, I had PLANS for these!! And of course, I had gone through the am-I-really-a-girl phase? I knew I was NOT meant to be a girl the first time I set eyes on 3-inch heels. Uh-UH. Not this little black duck's calves, bubeleh.
Seriously, the gender identity crisis had gone on and on for years, and continues into the present day and my struggle with the need to have my testes removed. But the perfect explanation at last occurred to me. The friend I mentioned has another friend who is undergoing M to F gender reassignment (which sounds like a horrible James Bond plot), and I realized that was exactly the analogy I needed.
I told her that most people are born happy and comfortable with their sexual identities. A few men and women, though, feel from an early age that they have been born with the wrong-gendered body, and that they are trapped inside. These people get therapy and surgery and become the opposite of what they were born to be. Okay--wasn't it possible I, and many others, were born to be neutral? That we grow up confused in identity and natural assignment because NOTHING feels right to us? Not men, not women, not male, not female? Somewhere deep in us is the desire to be NEUTRAL. While some approach castration as a ritual punishment, I see it as a natural correction.
My decision is not final yet. After all, this is a one-way street: you don't get do-overs on this one. There is enough to worry me that I know I must think more on the subject. But at least I can think more calmly and sanely on it, knowing that I may well not be crazy--I might just be following the instructions my body has been giving me since birth.
Now I know--whatever my decision is, when it comes, it will be the right one.