I'm a cutter. I've been doing it on and off since I was seven years old. When I first started, I did it with razor blades in the bathroom while no one was around and in places where no one would see... I enjoyed the pain and the blood, and the feel of metal opening up my skin. No one ever caught me, even with the worst of my scars from that time, which is now a hairline fade that goes from my right kneecap to my right ankle. After all these years it's still my favorite mark.
As the years passed, my interest in cutting waned. I don't quite know why. But in the last few months my interest has renewed itself, taking form in the kitchen with nasty implements like carving knives and cleavers. My right forearm is full of scars from an event with a cleaver a couple of months ago; I found that I couldn't control myself at all. I laid the cleaver gently on my forearm and sawed back and forth until there was a soft pop as my skin was penetrated, and then I sawed more, until I saw the dripping blood. I lifted the cleaver and licked off the blood and started again next to the first one, making five incisions total, each time cleaning the cleaver the same way.
Then I took a serrated steak knife and started sawing into the top of my wrist. It's difficult to get through the skin with such an implement, but it's possible. It takes a lot of slow sawing with lots of pressure, but eventually the teeth of the knife pull the skin apart and the blood appears. The trick is to stop when you stop feeling the pull of the teeth; you've gone too deep when that happens. And it leaves some of the nastiest scars.
There's something I feel I must admit here. Part of my cutting has to do with a deep self loathing. When I insert a carving knife into my forearm and watch the blood trickle down my wrist, I do it partially because I hate myself and I want to hurt. But what exactly is wrong with that? What business of anyone's is it
why I do these things? Who's to know exactly why everyone who suspends, suspends? Who's to know why people undergo scarification by professionals? They all have stories to tell about beauty and spirituality, and so do I — and they're true; they're just not the whole story. Who's to judge?
I cut myself when I'm feeling weak and impotent. It gives me strength and grounding, and I've found nothing else that does the same. Sometimes it's with a cleaver, sometimes a carving knife, sometimes it's even with a serrated steak knife.
It makes me feel good. I enjoy the pain and the blood, and having the willpower and self control to stop before I go too far.
But something troubles me. There's a stigma about cutting. Most people that I run into day to day, particularly body modification enthusiasts, see cutting as wrong and harmful. To them I have a few questions.
What's the difference between what I do and what "legitimate" body modification artists do? Why is it alright for a scarification artist to carve up a willing, living body when it's not OK for them to carve up their own? Why is it OK to hang from hooks in your back, blood dripping down your spine, when it is not OK for me to open myself up with a cleaver? Is it intent?
My intent is simple. I do it because it makes me feel good. What is the intent of people who have it done professionally? Is it not the same?
I'm not ashamed of being a cutter.
And suspenders will continue to suspend, and scarification enthusiasts will continue to get burned and cut, and implant aficionados will continue to have bizarre and sometimes dangerous things implanted under their skin. Heavily tattooed people will continue to do their thing, and piercing fans will continue to get poked. Who's to say what any of their reasoning is? Certainly not me. It's none of my business, just as it is none of their business why I slice myself open with steak knives.
I cannot see a difference. Self mutilation is self mutilation, and it's either wrong or it isn't. I chose to believe that it isn't, and I hope everyone involved is happy with what they're doing, no matter why they're doing it. Each person has their own private, internal reasoning for doing such things.
So I will continue to do my thing, and I fully expect no-one to have a problem with it, particularly people who are into more "accepted" forms of self-mutilation. I don't like being judged, and I don't expect to be. But it happens. Many of my friends worry about my self-mutilation.
It's ended me up in hospitals many multiples of times. There's a definite societal stigma against it, which I find absolutely revolting and hypocritical.
I can understand why people worry about my cutting. I can understand that they don't want to see me hurt myself out of self-loathing or disassociation. I can understand that they see it as an unhealthy pursuit that has alternatives. But what will happen to their opinions when they see all of my scars during my upcoming self-hoisted suicide? Will they truly believe that I'm doing that suspension for reasons of self empowerment and spirituality, or will they think that I'm doing it for the same reason as I cut?
I don't think I'm going to tell them why I'm doing it. I think I'm going to keep it a secret, because it's my business and my business alone. And thats the way it's going to stay.
Cora Birk
If you're wondering where you recognize the name Cora Birk from, she's also the author of BME's continuing series on transsexualism. Her monthly column Shapeshift is published in BME/News and remains one of our most popular series. You can learn more about her through that column, or visit her on IAM as iam:cora. Requests to republish must be confirmed in writing. For bibliographical purposes this article was first published online October 30th, 2003 by BMEZINE.COM in Tweed, Ontario, Canada.
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