Self Injury
by Monty Vogel

Since you ask, most days I cannot remember.
I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage.
Then the almost unnameable lust returns.
- Anne Sexton

I recently had someone contact me through QOD asking what the guidelines for cutting submissions were. She said one was a picture of a cut "starting at my navel, and ending just after the point of tearing through my vagina." She continued, "I am unsure as to whether you would accept the pictures, as they are very graphic and things such as fat, veins, and muscle are clearly visible." I contacted Shannon about submission guidelines of this nature and we were able to answer her questions, but it left me with a residual uncomfortable feeling in the back of my head.

Later that same day I received a submission to QOD along the lines of "Why do you people mutilate yourselves like this?!"

These kind of statements don't phase me any more because I have heard them for over a decade now, but again, this was tossed to the back of my mind. It wasn't until later when I was piercing someone and I got a chance to occupy my hands and allow my mind to think freely that the two thoughts combined. I wondered what might this lady think of someone who cut themselves like that and then I thought, what must anyone who saw how that girl cut herself think? I tend to try and see things from all angles and this led me to wonder how what people think about self injurers affects them negatively.

"Self-injury is an expression of acute psychological distress. It is an act done to oneself, by oneself, with the intension of helping oneself rather than killing oneself. Paradoxically, damage is done to the body in an attempt to preserve the integrity of the mind."
- Jan Sutton and Deb Martinson, January 2003

Why do SI's do what they do? Self-injury brings temporary relief from or serves as a distraction from overwhelming emotional pain. It serves as a temporary stress reliever by producing a sense of calm and well-being. It serves as a method for gaining a sense of control or to feel more powerful. It serves as a method of cleansing away perceived badness, evil, or flaws. It serves as a form of self-punishment for perceived wrong doings. It serves as a method of blocking out memories of abuse or an abuser. It also serves as a way of re-creating a familiar environment — "the known" (better the devil you know than the devil you don't).

People cope with anger, frustration and sadness in many different ways. Some turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, and other potentially risky things because they are more socially acceptable than cutting. Each individual is different and will have a different reason for their self-harm. Some won't even know why they do it, only that they feel better for it. Self-harm is not a suicide attempt. In fact, most SIer's will tell you that they do it to prevent suicide or suicidal thoughts. Pain reminds you that you are still alive, that you are in control, and you can cope with living.

One person that I had the pleasure of working with was Ren). I had noticed a link to her own personal webpage on her IAM page — a mental health website dealing mainly with self injury and depression. I was amazed at the amount of well rounded content the site contained. If something you are looking for isn't there, I'm sure she has a link to it. Let me also share part of her story that caught my attention:

"Getting into mods has definitely allowed me to feel different about my body. My most meaningful mod is a simple one inch tattoo on the inside of my wrist. A few years ago I joined an online community support group for self injurers, and one of the people I met there had the awesome idea to keep track of 'safe days' — days without a self inflicted injury — by putting stars on a calendar. It sounds silly, but what got me though many difficult nights was knowing that if I stayed safe one more day, I'd be able to add another star to my collection."

"As a tribute to that community, and as a permanent reminder to myself of all of the days that I did manage to stay safe, I got a green star tattooed on my wrist. This was a major thing for me to do because that wrist was a favorite place for me to take out my aggressions on myself. A tattoo meant no more cutting there. I haven't been SI free ever since, but it was a step towards a commitment to safety."

I asked one question of many SI's that I met: If you had a say in helping people to better understand SI's what would like to be known? I'd like to leave you with some words from those individuals:

"Honestly, I would just like to know that there are other people out there that share the same feelings that would be willing to talk to me about everything."

"...it's a thousand times harder for them to tell you than it is for you to hear it."

"It's less about trying to figure out why someone would hurt themselves and more about just being there and listening and trying to find or offer help."

"Don't let it go on. I have been doing this for two and a half years and I don't know if I can stop now."

"...and that they understand that most SI's really do need help instead of being punished for their injuries."

"I'm glad that more people have now heard of self harm, that way people can get the help they need to work out their problems, and not suffer like I had to. I've been cutting for 23 years, since I was fifteen."

"I could finally see I was causing pain to other people instead of just getting a head shake from my mum. That was all I ever needed."

"If someone is self harming and they don't have a therapist or friend, definitely get them help even if they protest."

"...if you care about someone who self injures, you have to show them that they are worth something to you — because to ourselves we are worthless."

I don't think most SI's believe that they've found the best method for coping with their problems; just something that works for now. Most of the people I spoke with would like to find a better way, but have problems reaching out for help and understanding. I believe the more we understand about self injury, the easier it will be for self injurers to find that needed help.

Sincerely,

Monty Vogel

You probably know Monty from BME's QOD — he's called Monte there because Shannon originally typed his name in wrong, and it stuck. Monty(e) has been piercing for a decade and has owned Body Mods in Omaha, Nebraska for most of that. He enjoys long walks on the beach... He has a funny side and a serious side &monte; which one you get depends on what you bring to the table. Monty can be contacted via his IAM page, iam:MONTE. Requests to republish must be confirmed in writing. For bibliographical purposes this article was first published online October 30th, 2003 by BMEZINE.COM in Tweed, Ontario, Canada.

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