Luvpain99: Well, it was quite a year [Guest Column]

“Practice yourself, for heaven’s sake, in little things; and thence proceed to greater.” - Epictetus

Matthew A., a 28 year-old network administrator from Warren, MI goes by the handle Luvpain99 both on IAM and elsewhere. Matt lists his hobbies as “model trains and rockets, chatting online and programming.” Matthew is also a very staunch patriot, a born-again Christian, and involved in a long-term relationship.

A quick perusal of either Matthew’s journal, however, reveals some other, more “specialized” interests; his site on IAM in particular outlines a fascinating story of the journey Matthew undertook during the past year: over a period of twelve months, Matthew’s penis was subincised, his glans was split, a scarification project was began on the head of his penis, and three attempts were made to remove Matthew’s testicles, culminating in a successful bilateral orchiectomy (full castration) on April 9th, 2004.
The last attempt at self-castration resulted in a hospitalization, psychiatric commitment, and having to come out as both a homosexual male and a male desiring castration to his parents. He left a note in his apartment in case anything went wrong during the procedure so anyone finding him might have a better idea of what was motivating him.

Matthew epitomizes the “DIY” ethic (Do It Yourself) — although some might say a little recklessly. Aside from the last two operations to remove his testicles, Matthew completed all of these modifications himself, usually alone, with no assistance other than his own knowledge and boundless inner strength. While he still has struggles to face, Matthew is now a happy eunuch who maintains high visibility both on IAM and the Eunuch Archive.

In this interview we briefly cover what Matt’s been through this year — watch out for a full interview with him in one of BMEbooks’ next releases!

BME: First, why do you perform such intense surgical mods on yourself?

MATTHEW: Well the reason I do most of my mods myself are many — I’m a little cheap, and I would love to become a piercer or practitioner down the road but I don’t like experimenting or messing up on others. I’d rather make a mistake on myself and learn from that than on someone else. Plus it is a feeling of accomplishment being able to do something on myself.

BME: I know you had some difficulties with the head split and castration attempt in particular, leading to Emergency Room admissions both times. How did you find the strength to keep going?

MATTHEW: Well castration was something I have wanted since I was thirteen and I finally knew I was ready and had to do it no matter what. It wasn’t easy — the failed self-attempt was a major setback. I ended up being psychiatrically committed. I knew I would do it again — I tried talking the doctor into finishing it up. I kept telling them I would do it again when I got out. In hindsight, after I completed the headsplit (with a cautery pen), if I had just laid down in bed I’d have been all right, but I was afraid of falling asleep still bleeding. I decided it was better to be safe than sorry and went to the ER for bleeding control.
When I attempted the castration though I was unable to control bleeding and had complications relating to scar tissue in my scrotum from prior experiments and play. Once I saw I would be unable to finish it myself, I tried to do enough damage to both testicles that the doctor treating me would have no choice but to complete the castration. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. Later, I had a cutter perform the procedure on both my partner and I. His went off with no problems, but during mine only one testicle was removed as there was equipment failure during the procedure. Again, I was really frustrated. It seemed like I would never be able to achieve my goal.

BME: Why was castration such a big goal? Is it a turn-on?

MATTHEW: No — it never was a turn on. The goal was to solve what I considered a problem. I wanted to get rid of my sex drive.

BME: Why didn’t you want a sex drive? No offense, but you’re a young, physically healthy guy... why eliminate your sex drive?

MATTHEW: That’s a very difficult question to answer, and over the years there have been many different reasons for my wanting castration. I think that question is more suited for a book than an interview but I’ll try to do my best to summarize some of the key points for this interview.
To start out, castration has been a desire of mine since I was about thirteen years old. My memory is a little fuzzy about the exact time and order of events. I think I should probably give a little background about myself first before proceeding. First, I grew up in a very strong Christian Baptist family that was very active in the church and I went to a Christian school. I had a lot of health problems as a child — heart problems, asthma, allergies, hernias, and so on, so I was in and out of hospitals and doctors offices a lot until about third grade and had a high pain tolerance, as having blood drawn and other tests just didn’t bother me after the first few hundred times.
I believe what really started my interest in castration was realizing I was attracted to other guys — with my Christian upbringing I felt it was wrong at the time (I’m still unsure about it being right or wrong but that’s another story). It was around that time I started CBT (“cock and ball torture”) and using sewing pins to pierce my testicles as a form of atonement, but I soon found out I enjoyed it. I know at that time I wasn’t being sterile as I didn’t have the proper equipment, but I was playing it safe using 99% alcohol to clean a new needle and wipe the skin beforehand. I was very lucky then that I never got an infection or caught something. Being ashamed of being gay was probably my main reason for the longest time. However, that was no longer a reason when I finally did accomplish my goal.
The second reason I can think of would be “bad thoughts that hurt others”. The people that know me know that I’m a caring guy; one that likes to help others. I try to live by the Golden Rule — “do unto others as you would have them to do unto you” — I hate hurting someone intentionally or using them or taking advantage of them. This one is hard to explain but it deals with trying to get rid of urges to do things. I am very good at my controlling urges, but am always afraid of giving into them. I gave into some of those urges as a teen and still regret it today.
That was still a reason at the time of accomplishing my goal, and I’m very glad to say that accomplishing the goal of castration really did help with this issue.
The third reason I can think of is lowering and totally getting rid of my sex drive. I know that might sound strange to most, but for me I really didn’t get any pleasure out of masturbation or sex. I get pleasure from cuddling and being with someone, but not from sex. For me, getting off was just a release my body needed and not a pleasure. I think my body had two settings: normal and pain (with maybe a slight pleasurable sensation here and there). I just got tired of having to get off all the time and work hard at it for basically no enjoyment. I figured without a sex drive there would be no need to get off. That was a major reason for obtaining my goal. It has been seven months now since I have gotten off.
The fourth reason, which never really was a reason for me until after my castration, but many other people have used it as a reason for their castration, is being calmer. I’m not sure if it is just the castration or a combination of the medications I am on right now, but I’m definitely feeling a lot better... more at ease and at peace with myself and others.
The fifth and final reason I can think of, which wasn’t a primary reason, but something I had hoped for and managed to have come true is I was able to be castrated along with my partner. It has always been a dream of mine to have another partner that was a eunuch, as sex is not important to me. I really don’t know how to describe it other than it was awesome having my partner there when I was done, and being there for my partner when he was done. There is so much symbolism there that it is just unbelievable, at least to me, and how I look at things.

BME: So you’re happy with the castration now? Any downsides, or things you weren’t anticipating? I know you’re taking calcium supplements to prevent osteoporosis.

MATTHEW: I’ve hardly had any hot flashes — currently I’m trying to figure out what’s causing the severe headaches I’ve been having. I actually think it might actually be the calcium, which brings up a concern. I have no plans to undergo testosterone replacement — I like not having a sex drive too much to change that...

BME: There are weekly tablets now like Fosamax and Actonel you could investigate...

MATTHEW: I’ve only been off the calcium for a week, but with being sick lately with the flu it’s tough to tell exactly what’s causing the headaches.

BME: You mentioned growing up in a conservative Christian environment. I know your faith is very important to you — how does it affect your choice of modifications?

MATTHEW: My relationship with Jesus does affect mods as I do try and keep my mods positive and displaying my beliefs, as you can see from my tattoos!

BME: Was coming out to your parents, both in terms of your homosexuality and desire for castration, as hard as it sounds like it would be? I mean, under the circumstances, you were pretty much forced to do so, having just been hospitalized due to doing serious damage to your own testicles...

MATTHEW: Well, it was done in the hospital, and luckily I had written a letter stating what I had intended to do in case something happened. I just gave it to them to read.

BME: That had to be a load off your chest at the same time, too.

MATTHEW: Luckily they have been real supportive. They don’t understand everything but they care and are supportive of me.

BME: That’s really a fortunate (and rare) thing.

MATTHEW: Of course the big thing is, even with people outside my family, is people doesn’t understand my reason is more to be “sex-free” — everyone thinks it’s more of a desire to become a female.

BME: I know just from knowing you as well as I do that you don’t desire feminization; you just want to be a castrated male.

MATTHEW: Right now things are improving, but it is too soon to say how my situation will be as I’m still fighting for disability and other issues.

BME: Hopefully there will be fewer ER visits for mods gone wrong! Are you a supporter of doctors and other medical professionals offering these procedures, so people won’t have to continue relying on cutters or doing the job themselves?

MATTHEW: I’m a supporter of informed people having the right to choose if they want a doctor, cutter, or to do it themselves. That being said, I do think there should be a license for cutters so we can find qualified people into body mods able to do these things, and have access to more supplies than a normal person but not have to take tons of classes.

BME: Do you have plans for future modifications?

MATTHEW: I’ve got lots of ideas — I want full genital bifurcation and would like to fill my now empty scrotum with beads.

BME: Are you planning on doing those mods yourself as well?

MATTHEW: Yeah, I am!

BME: So no fear then?

MATTHEW: Well, I just learned suturing, and got a nice new tool this year that I haven’t tried out on myself yet, but I have tried it out on dead chicken and it works fine for cutting and such...

BME: I’m guessing that’s a hyfrecator? [A hyfercator is an electric cautery tool somewhat similar to an arc welder for flesh.]

MATTHEW: Yeah, it’s nice. Also, it doesn’t put out too much smoke like the battery powered cautery pens I’ve used in the past. I’ll see how that works for finishing the glans split and for the penis split hopefully.

BME: Whom do you admire as far as modifications go?

MATTHEW: IMG:moddick68 has done some awesome work, and IAM:subcision has a beautiful sub.

BME: So in your opinion, how was last year for you?

MATTHEW: It has been a trying year full of ups and downs. I’ve managed to survive it and when I get back on my feet again I’ll be ready to do more mods and support BME and the EA (the Eunuch Archive, located at eunuch.org).

BME: Were you glad when you found BME? Had you felt isolated before?

MATTHEW: BME and the EA both help me out a lot and showed me there were others like me. I used to think I was strange and only one like that.

BME: Are you still involved with the EA?

MATTHEW: Yeah, a little — I’m trying to get more involved again.

BME: So how would you sum up where you’re at during this point in your life?

MATTHEW: Hmmm... it’s hard to say. I’m just a normal behind-the-scenes guy that loves doing mods on himself, wants to become a piercer, wishes he could legally be a cutter, and loves helping others, BME and the EA...

BME: ...and one of the strongest people I know!

MATTHEW: ...and you should probably add “shy” to that... not shy shy, I just don’t talk much.

I’m sure in the coming year Matthew will continue, shy or not, to boldly make his mark in the body modification world...perhaps not with words (although this interview puts that notion to rest) but surely with scalpels, needles, hyfrecators and whatever else he can get his hands on!

Hopefully Matt will talk to us again and fill in the rest of his story, as we’ve only just scraped the surface with this introduction. Matt has been a regular contributor to BME and you can see many of his pictures both in BME/extreme’s castration and genital modifcation sections, and in his bonus gallery in BME/HARD.

- Chris Clark (iam:serpents)

IAM members click here to discuss or comment on this article.

Chris Clark is a 32 year old farmboy, journalist, and musician actively involved in heavy body modification and ritual. He is also a Parkinson's Disease survivor (and thirver) and is currently writing Matthew's biography for BME/Books.

Online presentation copyright © 2005 Shannon Larratt and BMEzine.com. Photos copyright © 2004 Matthew A. and LuvPain99.com. Requests to republish must be confirmed in writing. For bibliographical purposes this article was first published online January 8th, 2005 by BMEZINE.COM from La Paz, Mexico.

All guest columns | Return to BME/News