Last summer, an idea was born. Other communities offer their members college scholarships, so maybe the body modification community should do that, too. It’s nearly a year later, now, and today we’re announcing our first college scholarship winner.
For the 2004-2005 IAM College Scholarship, we only had two applicants. While this seems like a very low number for a community with hundreds of college students, for the first year, it’s not really bad at all. Many scholarship funds go years before enough people hear about them to get a steady flow of either donors or applicants. That we got both donors and applicants in the first year says a lot about our community.
True to the international flavor of IAM, this year’s applicants came from two continents, while donors came from three. Donors ranged from students to professionals, and everything in between. We received donations in amounts ranging from $10 on up, including a very generous donor who offered to match every dollar raised!
As this year’s scholarship fund administrator, I had the opportunity to see all the application materials. Since this was the first year we’d ever done this, several unexpected things came up.
- Being an international scholarship definitely complicates things. Grades, classes, even general college terms vary considerably from place to place.
- It briefly appeared that a lawsuit was pending. Fortunately, this never materialized.
- One applicant volunteers over 1000 hours a year to community service. Yes, that’s 20 hours a week!
- One letter of recommendation said, “I met _______ at a party once and ____ seemed ok.” Yes, I’m serious. That was the entire letter of recommendation.
- No applications were received until the day before the deadline. IAM’ers are very good at procrastinating.
- With no applications received in mid-March, a couple highly qualified IAM’ers told me that they didn’t want to apply, even though they were qualified. They told me they wanted the scholarship to go to students who couldn’t afford college without it.
- One applicant is also a donor. No, that person didn’t have the opportunity to score essays.
Now for the commercial:
The IAM Scholarship is awarded annually to a member of our community, but we can’t do that without the generous contributions of the members of our community. Fund-raising is a non-stop process. In order to ensure that we can continue to offer this scholarship in the future, please visit the IAM Scholarship forum or, to make a quick, nearly painless donation right now, click the Donate icon below.
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And now, without further ado, the winner of the first-ever IAM College Scholarship, author of ten featured BME Experiences, planning to major in International Relations at Kent State University, IAM:mythernal!
Following is Gwenn’s application essay.
- Darrin Fowler
IAM:wlfdrgn
* * *
Why do humans need
body modification and body ritual?
I was sitting on the sofa in my living room with my knees pulled up to my chest, or maybe lying on my stomach in bed, with a book in my hands. My exact location during this weekday afternoon is not important to the story; the epiphany is. I came to a line in which an animal expresses a desire to share her name with her favorite human. After all, it is “all that she truly owns”. I stopped. I looked up. What do any of us “truly own”? We do not choose even our names. Certainly, they describe us: we use them and believe them to be appropriate identification. But what can we, what can I, truly call my own? What will be with me throughout any of the trials and tribulations of life; what have I had since I was born and will have on the day I die? The answer, I believe, is myself: my mind and my body.
Don’t think that I came to that conclusion lightly or easily. I am a material girl, and all that, and I fully intend on saving the world one of these days, thus earning international acclaim and also a Ferrari. It’s difficult for we that have so much to imagine life with nothing. But if I really had nothing: if I had gambled away my last penny and lost my home and my family and was truly desolate and alone, I would then have two options before me. Die, or find a source of strength from within myself. Throughout history, we often find a renaissance of art and culture during a time of upheaval and hardship or war. I think that this means that when times are at their worst, people are at their best. When we have nothing in the world around us to inspire, we must become the inspiration.
Modification means something different to everyone. Of course it does: that statement is so often heard in our community that it’s almost a clich�. But I think that I would be correct to say that all modification is a form of expression. Whether expressing an idea, an interest, sexuality, a rite of passage, emotion, or a concept of beauty, all modification tells us something about its owner. Our expression is really what sets us apart from other species, whether it be in oil and canvas, or on our bodies. We have all heard about African tribes with lip plates, and the suspension rituals of Native Americans. Usually, that suffices to prove to me that modification is an ancient concept. But it occurs to me that modification might be even more pervasive to humanity than we normally think. We have been painting on cave walls for thousands of years: what is to say that we haven’t been branding ourselves ever since fire was discovered? I don’t think it’s far-fetched, and the idea makes it easier for me to persevere under any adversity to the culture in today’s society.
On a personal level, I did not even realize that I had the need to modify myself until relatively recently. I had wanted a piercing for some time and finally set my heart on getting my tongue pierced for my eighteenth birthday. If you had asked me at the time why I wanted it done, I don’t know what I would have told you. I was under no real impression that it would improve my life in any way. I didn’t think it was all that gorgeous since it could hardly be seen inside my mouth. I was scared to death of the pain. And I had many friends and family members telling me I was crazy. Why then, did I push ahead and do it? I didn’t know at the time, but I found that I liked it. Somehow, without knowing exactly why, it was the right decision for me. I wanted more, and I started adding more piercings quickly and often. I did not at first connect my growing collection of metal to the scars elsewhere on my body.
You probably didn’t know (in fact, I’m sure you didn’t) but I’ve been a cutter for the last three years or so. I never really thought that I was “bad”. I’d seen friends with line after line of self-inflicted cuts up their arms; I’d read that angsty teenage poetry about sliding a razor across your wrist and watching the crimson blood splash on the bathroom floor. Neither of those were me, but still, I cut. It started right before my senior year of high school.
Towards the end of the semester, a girl in our class was killed in a car crash halfway through the school day. A teacher across the hall told our class, but said they would be making an announcement later. I hadn’t known Mehgan very well, but she was my friend Jessica’s best friend. I didn’t want her to find out Mehgan was dead from an announcement. I got a pass and slipped down to her math class. The office had obviously thought of this too, and had just sent someone down to get her. We walked back to the office, where I ended up being the one to break the news to her that her best friend was dead. An hour later, the school ground to a halt as they made the announcement and nearly everyone in our class went into hysterics.
It was later that summer; I had been to the funeral and was trying to put it out of my head. I remember thinking one day: “I wonder what happened to Eric.” My buddy Eric and I had been pretty close since I’d moved to the area in fourth grade, up through freshman year. After that, he went to a different school and we lost touch. Offhand, I was wondering about him. I found out later that week that he and his friend had been in a car crash at the exact moment his name had happened to flit across my consciousness. He had died instantly. I never got to go to his funeral; I don’t even know where he’s buried.
So yes, one day, after all of that, I took my little brother’s pocket knife and was just “checking out the blade” when I went a little too far and saw a few red droplets form on my wrist. I kept that up for a while, but it was mild at best. I’d make one cut, maybe two, along my right arm (I’m left handed), and not do another one for weeks or months. When I look back at my journal from that time in my life, I’m kind of disgusted at what a angsty and impossible brat I was being. But soon enough I recovered from my losses and went on with life.
Cutting still followed me, though. It wasn’t the same. I no longer cut when I was depressed. I kept a knife in the drawer in my headboard, and sometimes I’d just get the urge to cut myself anyway, even when I was in a perfectly good mood. I didn’t understand, and it didn’t seem right. Why was I hurting myself when I was happy? I started reviewing on BME, and truthfully, was a little annoyed at some of the cutting experiences I read. Shame on me, I was unjustly judgmental, but it didn’t really seem like they were “modifying”, just hurting themselves to no point.
Suddenly it clicked. Modification. That’s why I had continued to cut when I wasn’t depressed, because I had an urge to modify myself. As this realization washed over me while I was in the shower, I decided that I needed something to solidify this new discovery. I hadn’t cut in months, but I wanted to etch a design into my skin to prove to myself that I had a reason behind what I did. I eventually decided to cut a spiral into my right hip, which would signify the flow of life, and the path of fate. I loved it, and though it was always shallow and has now faded beyond recognition, it taught me that there was nothing wrong with me. I was simply doing what people have done since the beginning of time: expressing myself, and using the only thing that is truly mine as my canvas to do it. It was such a refreshing experience, because now I realize that I will never cut “pointlessly” again. Oh, I’ll always be a cutter. Maybe all of us are. But the great thing is that there is nothing wrong with that. I now truly believe that to give in to those urges is simply claiming my birthright.
So, why do people need body modification? I don’t think that modification must apply solely to piercings, tattoos, branding, implants, or the like. The most important body modification starts with the mind. After all, where do we come up with tattoo ideas? Aren’t they usually something that we already think about and love simply being shown on the outside for once? Everyone expresses his or her modification urge differently, but one thing I am sure of is that everyone has this urge and it needs to be fulfilled. Our mind is what sets us apart, what puts us at the top of the food chain, and what makes us who we are. Our minds must be nurtured and cared for if we are to prosper.
The mind is also linked to the spirit. Many people have modification with a spiritual significance, and these are often some of the most beautiful and profound. Earlobes stretched over time can mark the duration of some dedication procedure. A new tattoo can illustrate a concept of god, or a piercing may be just what the owner needs to mark his or her start on a new spiritual journey. They often say the body is a temple. I see no greater meaning to that phrase than in body modification, when someone alters his or her body to be more in line with their religious or spiritual feelings. Still though, I feel that the body contains both the mind and the spirit and therefore ends up being the canvas with which we paint our lives.
Like we have already said, our body is the one thing that belongs to us in this world. It can never be taken away from us. Even if we were to be in some tragic accident, our concept of self would still be with us. Body modification is just when the concept of self, sprouted in the mind and owned by the body, shows itself on the outside. Going through the pain of any modification ritual can be an affirmation of self, proving ownership of one’s own body. So yes, we need modification. Let’s face it: life can be tough. The world can be ugly. And other people may try to keep us down. When all is said and done, we must rely on ourselves to see us through. We must take responsibility for the direction of our lives. And we must stake a claim on the one thing that truly and forever belongs to us: ourselves.
