Introduction

I've spent most of my life feeling uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with myself, with other people, in public and in private. I grew up knowing that something was missing, that something was not right. I was not a happy child and did not find it easy to communicate with others, maybe because I was not what I wanted to be. Many people that I know say that they feel their urge to modify themselves comes from earliest childhood. This is certainly true for me, I stumbled into this without a clue what I was doing and without having really seen it before. I made some bad decisions, and sometimes mistook what I was doing as something negative. I often wondered if there might be something fundamentally wrong with me, if I might be slightly insane, that I needed help. Maybe I did need help, I needed someone to tell me that it was alright, that I was doing something that would turn out to be the healthiest thing for me. That no matter what it looked like I had found a path that would lead me to the right place. We are born as a basic model... and one of our first urges is to change that, yet as we grow up, we are told time and time again that it's wrong. It's wrong to have that hairstyle, it's wrong to get a second ear piercing, it's wrong to wear those clothes... to say those things. It takes a certain kind of strength to go against these things, and a lot of the modified people that I meet don't see themselves as brave, or as being anything better than what we are taught. Myself included. I never saw myself as showing any kind of bravery, this was not a conscious decision for me. All I knew was that it didn't feel wrong to me, and that as I grew older and those feelings that I was harming myself in some way faded away as being insignificant, something in all of this was building the person I was to become. All I have is an urge to be myself that exceeds the propaganda that it is wrong. All I know is that if I don't do these things I can never be happy. I was seen as odd before I even started, as a child I was the strange one, the one bullied through school for no good reason, the loner, the one that grew up with only a few close friends. Do I do it because I have nothing to lose and everything to gain? Do I do it because I am curious, because I'm looking for something... because I have to? Or do I do it because it's a natural urge that I can't suppress? It is so unhealthy to me to hide what you are and what your body tells you, it is unhealthy to the spirit. I walk down the street and I know things these people never will because they are too afraid, or too suppressed, or too tired now of who they are to change it. Sometimes I might wish that I had grown up with someone by my side who had been here before and could assure me that I was not a bad person. It might have made things easier, I might have had more confidence in myself, but then I worry that I might have escaped somehow this feeling of humility. This feeling that keeps me grounded when someone takes me aside and tells me that the choices I made are incredible and worthy of something great. Maybe they are in a way, but I see nothing incredible in being who I am, it's only the inevitable, you can deny it your entire life but all you are in the end is a bizarre combination of events and lessons and acts.... you are only you. I see a greater surprise in the person that spends their life in denial, that spends it pushing feelings down, covering things up, taking their soul and starving it of everything it needs to survive.

My achievement is one of submission, I chose not to fight what I knew from my earliest memories, I chose to let it take me where it saw I needed to go. All I can do is hope that I get there in this lifetime.

I grew up in a small town where I was run to ground because of what I did. I hid most of my teenage years because I couldn't explain why I was the way I was. My parents did their best with me, they always told me that I was to do whatever made me happy and that they trusted that my decisions would be the right ones. I was never told to take out a piercing or that I couldn't dye my hair or wear something that I wanted to. I was simply told to be careful and that there are very few decisions in this life that cannot be undone if it happens to be a mistake. I made some decisions that didn't work out, I did some things I should never have done, I lost myself along the way more than once... following something that led me the wrong way or simply deserted me at a dead end. These scars are a part of my journey, they are fragments of the path I took to get here. I have made enough mistakes to know roughly which direction I am headed in now. I am just now starting to get to a point where I am happy to stay for a while, sit back and see what I know now, see where I am and where I am going. My body is an ongoing transformation.like my life, it changes with me and despite me. When I started this I was in denial, I thought it was the stupidest thing to say that I did this for the good of my soul. I wanted another reason.. I wanted a reason that was more black and white, cut and dried into a shape I could handle. But it's not simple, there is no one good reason. There are a thousand good reasons and bad reasons for every person out there. I can take a certain point in my life and turn it this way and that and know that what I thought at the time was wrong or misled. I can take another point and see that maybe I should have known something different. This isn't about being bigger or better, respect is due to the hidden mods that nurse your soul as much as it is due to the person who will not hide their choices.

I have made permanent decisions, and I made them consciously. I made them because I won't change who I am simply because I'm told it's wrong to be this way. I don't believe it's wrong, I don't believe I can't get by in life looking this way. You would be surprised at the amount of people out there willing to respect the decisions you've made for yourself. You would be surprised at the people who you can make feel small because for whatever reason they've chosen a life that stifles them. People do not always understand, and I don't think that there will come a time in my life where they always will. maybe it's too late for them, or maybe they don't realize yet, or maybe they aren't willing to face the fear that this life isn't planned out for you, there isn't a user guide, there isn't one mould that we all fit into.

But it's not about the mods, not really, it's about knowing yourself and it's about being true to whatever drives you. I used to think that knowing myself would mean that I truly *knew* myself.. It doesn't, all it means is that I have made enough mistakes to know when I am making the right or wrong decision now, I don't have a plan, I don't have a set of rules, all I have is an intuition, a voice inside me that I have chosen to hear.

My mods are part of me, they always have been, I need this to get by, I need this to be happy. Every day I realize a little bit of something that brings me closer, and that's because every day I am thinking about why I do what I do. And the answer is simple if a little hazy. I do this because my body asks me to, because it needs it to learn, because without it we don't match, we don't have harmony. I cherish this feeling of unrest because it is what drives me, it is what brought me here. This all might sound a little sure, a little self congratulatory but I don't have an apology for that, I know that I still have a long way to go, and I know that 27 years hasn't taught me even a fraction of what I can learn, but I also know that whatever I might have thought, I grew up following a path that was right for me, and whatever bad decisions I made I knew that all I needed to do was turn around and start again. It is one of the best things my parents ever taught me, that there are few mistakes in this life that cannot be undone. Believing something like that takes away the pressure, it gives you freedom to take chances, to jump when you might not, if you don't burn your bridges there is always a way back, and on the way back you can be safe in the knowledge that you learned something else.

Frances

What has inspired you to modify yourself, both in the beginning and at present?

At the beginning I don't ever remember feeling much in the way of inspiration... more that it just felt as though it was what I wanted to do. I had no-one else to learn from or look up to, when i was 15 or so I did my first piercing on myself and I suppose you could say that is when I made a conscious decision to alter myself in that way. More recently my inspiration has come from a growing realization that what I do is necessary to my well being.

Do you already have a vision of what the final image will be or has it continually changed as time goes by?

It changes every day, sometimes I wish I could go back and do something differently, sometimes I have a vision of a certain thing, a tattoo... whatever. But mostly I go with what feels right at the time. I try not to think too much about it and just to let it find its own course... tell its own story so to speak.

Does every one of your mods tell its own story, or are there some that are purely decorative?

Some are decorative in a sense that I feel they look right, but I don't think too much about what will be beautiful, just about what looks right on me. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all, and how can something not be beautiful when it is what is right? Most things that I do will find meaning later. I'll look back and I'll be able to clearly see what I was going through at the time and how what I did at the time ties in with that.

You said you started piercing yourself at age 15...when did you make the next step, to more serious mods that become a life-long commitment?

I was 17 or 18 I think when I got my first tattoo. I had already scarred myself before I even pierced myself, and failed piercings left lifelong reminders. I've never been afraid of permanent decisions and I think that is part of what makes this relatively easy for me. This was always intended to be a commitment for life, Ive never thought of it any other way, I've been through some extremely difficult times because of it, but I have never wanted to back out. What I have done has always been visible, my first piercing besides ears was a facial one, I don't think I ever wanted anything less than permanence.

And where did you go from there, in regards of mods? What was next?

Next was a lot of experimentation with piercings, I've pierced almost everything and abandoned a lot along the way, I had begun to stretch out my right ear, I got another tattoo, bigger than the last, I was fighting with the urge at the time to cover myself, looking back I'm glad I didn't since it has so much more meaning for me now. I then went through a rather testing time in which all of this was put on the back burner. Looking back, I think I felt that if I had done anything at the time it wouldn't have been healthy and would have served as unpleasant reminders, and I didn't want that. Once life started to get better I took up with the stretching again, took out some old piercings, got more tattoos and started to think about implants and facial tattoos.

What caused the interest in implants and facial tattoos?

The implants for me were a way of pushing myself further, starting to find out where I could go in terms of actual alteration. Changing the shape and texture of things, actually making things look *different* as opposed to decorated or enhanced. The facial tattoos... I agonized over that thought for a while, it's not something to take on lightly... but I didn't want to go back, and I wanted to make sure I never could. I've never felt happy with my face, it hasn't ever felt right to me, and I'm hoping that the facial tattoos will help with that, they have so far.

Did these thoughts soon turn into realities?

On the grand scale of things I probably took that step sooner than I should have, but really, I think that I waited long enough. It was maybe a year after I first knew I wanted to do it that I got my first facial tattoo. The implants took less time, it wasn't such a big decision for me, as soon as I found out it could be done I knew it was something I wanted.

Tell us about the implants...

They were done by Steve Haworth in August of 99. I had researched it as much as I could, I was informed enough to realize that the people attempting it in the UK were not really aware of what they were doing nor the mistakes they were making. I wanted a good experience and Steve is definitely the person to go to for that. I have 9 beads in my forearm, 3 rows of 3. They healed extremely well and I'm in the process now of talking with Jon Clue to have him tattoo them like a crocodile.

...and the facial tattoos?

My first was a bad experience. I had just moved to the states and was feeling unsure of myself in general.not the best time to do it. And the artist who had done some good work on my husband seemed like a good choice. But he messed it up, He drilled me, it scabbed enormously, the ink would not go into my skin, we went over it and over it and it just kept on coming right out again. It was quite agonizing and extremely disappointing, the ink was patchy, it got infected in places, and the artist hadn't done what i wanted him to, the line was too severe. I had our current artist, Eric go over it again and it looks much better now. My second tattoo was the pink bubbles on my temples done at a convention by a man named JD. He did an excellent job and I love those bubbles to pieces, and I've just recently had Eric take them over my forehead, another 3 hour sitting.

What effect has the facial work had on people's reactions to you?

Actually, very little. Jason and I are rarely seen apart and people either think my facials are drawn on, or they are too busy looking at Jason! Plus the fact that I was heavily pierced to start with and the hair always draws attention, reactions to me haven't changed much at all.

I did have someone at a convention tell me that they thought it couldn't be real because I'm female which I found hilarious.

Has being with Jason, both on a personal level and in public, changed your outlook regarding mods at all?

It has made me more secure in my decisions. Things I might have worried about afterwards seem less important when I have someone else close to me making the same decisions. It always feels better to have an ally.

You mentioned moving to the States, in your opinion, which is a more mod-friendly place, the States or the UK?

I cant speak for the South of the UK, but the North is very close minded whether its because you're black, female, modified or 'different' in any way. They find it hard to see past prejudice and I don't see it changing soon. The cities are not too bad but I still felt threatened in most situations that I found myself. In the town where I grew up there was maybe 2 places where it was safe for me to go for a drink. I had quite a few violent reactions to my appearance; it seemed to make them angry. I became quite antisocial. The states, or Florida at least still has its narrow mindedness, particularly as far as sexism goes, but on the whole I find that people here find me funny or interesting as opposed to something they might like to beat into the ground. Having said that though it is becoming difficult to stay here, not really because of negativity though that does play a part, but because we are hounded wherever we go, it takes us twice as long to do anything because of all the questions we are asked, we can't wait to move to a bigger city, somewhere where we can be a little more anonymous.

You were in some media stories in the UK?

Yes, probably against my better judgment I took part in a television program called 'Body Beautiful' It was intended to give the viewer a glimpse into the modified persons life, covering things from make up and nail painting through to transgender. I was in quite a number of Newspapers, most of them wanting to mourn the terrible things I had done to myself. It was quite pathetic but unfortunately not surprising. The word `mutilation' came up quite often, as did the fact I had `disfigured' myself.

Did the television program follow the same path as the majority of the newspapers?

I haven't seen it yet. I had left the country before it was aired. Those in the modified community who saw it seemed to think it was fairly terrible. My parents liked it.

How supportive have your parents been of your decisions?

They have been extremely supportive. My mother seemed worried when I was younger, and rightfully so. She could probably see that I had no idea of what I was doing or if I might damage myself. As I've got older they've been unfailingly understanding. My mother didn't want me to tattoo my face, but doesn't judge me for it. My father is proud of who I am, they both are. They are glad I think, that they brought me up to have the courage to be who I want to be.

And to those who judge you, as the UK newspapers have, what would you say if you had the chance to confront them face to face?

Just that they have no right to judge me or anyone else. Nothing incredible, just that as long as they continue to reinforce such narrow mindedness for the sake of sales, people like you and me will deal with the results every day of our lives. Not that it would even go in one ear, let alone out of the other.

You've had experience with the modification industry in both the US and UK, is one far superior to the other in techniques or artists?

Not as far my experience shows. I had an excellent piercer in the UK. He did some things on me that he hadn't done before.the navel scalpelling, the ear scalpelling, but he was extremely good. The states has more practitioners as far as volume goes of course, and due to the media and the laws there the UK seems less exposed to some of the heavier mods, so for that reason you could say that the states is better. I haven't met a piercer in this area that I am as comfortable with so far, but I have a very talented tattooist and of course the UK did not offer any of the heavier mods, at least they didn't advertise it .

You have recently gone from being the one receiving the mods to being the one performing them, tell us about this...

I have performed piercings on myself and friends many times in the past, I've cut myself but never anything surgical before. The most recent thing I did was my husband's subincision. I have enormous gratitude for everyone that helped me in my research and of course for J who assisted us. He did the suturing, as I wasn't comfortable with that. I was very nervous right up until we started, but it all went so smoothly, J was a very calming presence and made us both feel much more confident about what we were doing. It was a beautiful thing to share, and I'm so glad that I made the decision to do it. I'll be going back in to lengthen the cut at a later date. I also split Jason's tongue, but we made the mistake of not deciding where we would cut before we numbed it. The swelling threw things off a little and it turned out to be off centre. However it grew back almost entirely and we'll know better next time. I did a full calf length cutting on our friend Shauna's leg not long ago. It came out really well. Then there was the penis branding experience. Four horizontal lines at the base. We knew it wouldn't scar too well due to the nature of the skin, but it has left some nice ridges on there. I have a feel for cutting i think, more recently I did a chest cutting for Jason and it turned out beautifully.

What type of preparation did you do before undertaking these procedures?

For the tongue splits we already knew most of what we needed to know, it is something that we had both been researching for some time, we had both talked to a lot of people about it, discussed various methods until we felt confident enough to attempt our own. We made sure that we had at least one other person present for everything we did in case anything happened and of course to take pictures. For the cutting, I had already done that on myself many times and although it was a little different on another person I really knew what I was doing for that one. The penis branding was a bit experimental, I just kind of jumped right in there and had a go, we had quite a fun time with that one, we seem to be laughing on most of the pictures! For the subincision, I talked at length with some friends of ours who had used the same method, they were extremely helpful. They had advised me that scissors are much easier to work with and were right. We wanted to have someone there too who had done something like this before so we were very excited when J said he would meet up with us and assist. We were glad that we had the cautery pen, it was useful for stopping bleeders along the way.

Any advice for people planning on undertaking a home procedure?

Don't overestimate your capabilities, research every possible complication, talk to as many people as you can who have not only done the same thing but used the same method. Make sure you are not alone if its a bloody procedure. Mostly it is common sense but there can never be too many precautions taken or too much research done. And if you are the slightest bit doubtful you should not even attempt it.

Do you have anymore home procedures planned yet?

Well, there is the tongue splits of course. I need to go much further back with mine and Jason's needs redoing. And we are itching to get to work with the cautery pen again. We will be going further back with Jason's subincision, maybe I will be confident enough to suture this time also. Other than that, the usual stretchings, piercings and cuttings. I need to redo the scars on my foot.

And you just had some work done by Blair?

Yes. We flew Blair out here at the beginning of February to cut in our lip plugs. We had originally planned on a bigger size, but due to unforeseen complications we had decided to go for something a little smaller. Mine was cut from nothing to an oval plug of 20mm by 9mm, Jason's was cut from his existing labret which was already stretched to 22mm by 11mm. I was expecting the procedure to be a lot more brutal than it was, but Blair is so good at what he does, and so quick, the pain really wasn't an issue in the end, it felt... interesting. The following days were quite difficult though, our lips swelled enormously, I could barely talk for a couple of days, and now that the swelling has gone down its just a case of getting our jewelry comfortable and functional.

Do you plan on stretching from there, and if so, how big do you think you'll go?

I think I will just wait for a while and see how I like it. If I can just drop a larger size in after its fully healed... which is looking the case, then I will do so. But other than that I am going to wait a while.

What other mods do you have planned for the future?

Full facial tattoos, extensive implants, I am looking forward to when finances allow me to start talking to Steve about facial implants. I have just found a piercer who I'm comfortable with and i have been talking to her about some scalpel piercings that I've had in mind for a while now. I've talked to Luis Garcia about some scalpel piercings too, and Ted Frater has been working with me to devise a good jewelry for those since I want them very deep. Silicon seems to be the best choice. Taking the tongue split further. I'd like to replace some teeth with something in a silver colour, my dentist back in the UK advised white gold. I'd like to remove some parts of my ear and replace them with prosthetics, I'd like to scalpel my navel more, an inch is my goal... but we'll have to see how likely that really is, and my ears of course as big as they will go. I may need to reposition my septum somewhat as it stretches as I think it's a little low for the size I want.

What direction do you see mods taking in the future?

I hope that they will remain positive, and I hope that they will always make me feel better. I'm not looking for anything earth shattering just a sense of peace. I will always do what feels right, and as time goes on and with the advances that are always being made in this field who knows where that is going to take me. What I do seems to be more spiritual and more personal as time goes on. I'm feeling an increasing need to be more removed from people too, just because its getting harder as I get older to deal with them, and I'm starting to feel futile towards them, when I was younger I suppose I thought I could change the way people saw me if I took the time to explain, but the feedback I get hasn't been encouraging of late and I don't get many intelligent responses, and few people seem tuned in to what I am trying to achieve. I know that it doesn't help anyone to hide, and I have always told myself that I wouldn't, but it's getting harder not to.

Any predictions on where those advancements will take the industry?

Just that people are always going to keep striving to do what everyone always says they can't. I think that most people would like to see more acceptance as far as surgical mods goes so that things don't have to be as cloak and dagger and people don't have to be afraid that they will end up in a mental institution or arrested if they are caught doing what they're doing. I would definitely like to see that change. I am tired of being afraid that people might think I'm insane because of what I do.

Is there any advice you'd like to give young women just starting out in their journey of being modified?

To make sure that you remember that you're opening yourself up to a whole new prejudice and to prepare yourself for that as best as you can. The way things are now, women have a more enforced standard of beauty and people are going to find it that much more offensive when you don't comply. To remember that to be true to yourself is all you really can be, and to try to remember that when people are telling you that you can't do things because you'll never be able to get where you want to because of it. The mod community can be discriminating like any other, and it is still male dominated, I often find myself referred to in ways that I don't agree with, but the more of us there are, the better things can get.

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