"Talula" ([email protected]) as he has come to be called in the eunuch chat areas, was interviewed by both AEQ (alt.eunuchs.questions) members and BME in January of 1998.
AEQ: How did you get castrated and can you tell me why and method of your choice?
To me honest, my desire to be castrated started before puberty and stemmed from a desire to be feminized.
BME: Did this manifest itself in any other ways? (Transvestitism, wigs, makeup, etc.)?
Yes it did. My best friend at the time and I would often curl each others hair and apply makeup. We were also into gay sex which always led to penitration. Alone I would often tuck my genitals up between my legs to simulate being female.
BME: Do you have any interest in a sex change?
No, not anymore. When I was young I would often times go to sleep praying that when I woke up I would be turned female. This feeling began to go away while I was going through my teen years. When I got married my thoughts changed and I began to real enjoy being male. I look upon myself as male, just a castrated male, and no longer think about sex change.
BME: How far back do you remember this going on?
I would have to say it started at the age of nine and really was previlent in my mind at 11-12. I really hated my balls and dreamt of being abducted, chained to a wall naked with a locking ring around them, and used. I even went so far as to approximate the situation with string, tying up my balls to the point they would change color. As I grew into adolecense my desire to be feminized dissolved but my desire to be a submissive bottom increased, and the desire to be castrated grew. As a young man my desire to be castrated was as strong as ever, but also was my need to experence love and sex with women so I lost my virginity and began an important and difficult part of my life.
I married a wonderful woman when we were both in our twenties, and sex with her was good most of the time but lurking in my mind was my over-whelming desire to be castrated for reasons that are impossible to accurately put into words. To be castrated and not be male nor feminine is about the best description I can communicate. I started reading anything I could find about castration and began experimenting with the band-type emasculator. Then I started cutting. My wife grew unhappy with our relationship and left the house which then allowed me the freedom to really start experimenting. I began making bolder and deeper cuts in my penis and scrotum until one day around June 1994 when the I made the biggest cut of them all.
My intentions were to open up the side of my scrotum and pull the
testicle out just to see what one looked like. However, after cutting in
deep enough to the point the testicle was visible I realized that no matter
what, it wasn't going to go back in and I needed emergency room care. I
figured if this was the case I might as well remove the testicle and make
the trip worth while so I did. Frightening massive bleeding began and I
fashioned a bandage out of a washcloth and duct tape then drove to the
hospital where they removed the cord all the way up inside and kept me for 3
days.
I lived with just one testicle for 3 years while I pondered the removal of the second one. In Feb of 1997 it occured. I had been thinking about full castration all day and had decided that I was going to go ahead with it when a friend came by for no reason at all to visit. He knew of my desires and encouraged me to follow my dreams, so I handed him a burdizzo clamp and laid out on the table. With two applications to the cord I began life as a eunuch. I had an ultrasound done and it proved the testicle was dead. A month later I removed the testicle to keep in a jar, but unfortunatly I didn't think to ligate the cord, so it was back to the hospital where they fixed me up and kept me for observation.
BME: What kind of observation?
Both times I was in the hospital I was kept in the urology ward for afew days to make sure I was physically able to function after losing so much blood. I was continually filled with anti-biotics and saline and of course had to drag the IV stand wherever I went (a.k.a. the iron tree). I was also in alot of pain from them digging into my innards so far. In the first surgery when they removed to cord all the way up it felt like someone had firmly inserted a shoe up my inguanal canal and left it there. Also, during the proceedure they put an endotracial tube down my throat so my entire chest felt like it had be crushed in a industral strength trash compactor. During the second surgery they used an epidural which is suppose to numb the body from the waist down, but didn't work too well in my case so they pumped me full of demerol while the supposedly pulling down the spermatic cord to attached it to the body. What it felt like was the equvilent of them tying it to a door knob then opening and slamming the door. The pain killers they gave me after the proceedures were strong enough to lessen the torture greatly, but they also made me rather disfunctional. During the first surgery I lied through my teeth about how I lost the testicle which couldn't be disproved so I was released after 3 days. After I had recovered sufficently from the second surgery they sent me to the psyche ward because I had admitted I had removed it myself.
In retrospect I would have to say my method of choice would be to have the proceedure done by a licensed professional. Surgical castration is a very tricky thing and bleeding to death is a real issue. My second choice would be the application of a 14 inch or larger burdizzo clamp, crushing each cord twice instead of the usual once. The clamp is non-invasive and easy to use. The recovery time is minimal.
BME: Do you still have a scrotum?
Yes I do. It of course is very small and the skin is very thick due to the shrinkage. Also, due to my previous cuttings and my castration, it is badly scarred. If you look at me from my left side, it looks like there is nothing below my penis. On the right side it looks like there might be a testicle, but it would have to be very tiny. For some reason it itches.
BME: Do you intend to have it removed at any point?
At first, no. Removing my nuts was the ultimate act for me and anything further was undesirable. Now I am considering it and have been in contact with both plastic surgeons and urologists in my area to see about it's removal. I think that if I had only the castration scars I wouldn't desire it's removal, but as said before it is kinda torn up and doesn't look very attractive.
AEQ: How long has it been since your castration? Is your cock shrinking and if so how much?
At the time of this writing it has been almost a year since my remaining testicle was removed. The size of my penis really hasn't changed. When I stopped taking hormones, my penis was of course small but no smaller than it would be on a cold day. With hormones I have had two experiences in size. Injections of Depo-testosterone from my normal clinic provide erections that arn't as strong as ones I experienced before castration and so the size of the erection is smaller both in lenght and girth. They are also more flexable. One injection of supposedly the same amount of testosterone from a clinic I visited while on vacation provided raging hard-ons with erections the same size and durablility as before castration. I do not know why the injections were so different, but they were. Frankly, I believe that no permanent change in penile size will occur that won't be regained with hormone treatment.
BME: What made you decide to (1) start taking hormones?
The hot flashes. 3 months or so after my castration I noticed a lessened libido and problems with orgasm. What orgasm I had was fantastic-better than ever in my life, but I couldn't maintain an erection for more than half a minute without extreme stimulation. As the summer progressed I began to get the hot flashes which normally wouldn't have bothered me except I was working in a warehouse environment with outside temperature over 90F. It was more than uncomfortable and really for that sole reason alone, I began taking hormones.
BME: ...and (2) stop taking them?
I couldn't afford them. Depo-testosterone is only $18 US but it was too much for me. The summer had cooled down so that wasn't a problem anymore. I didn't want to ask someone for $18 so I stopped taking them. The results were what you might expect. Loss of libido, inability to have erections, etc. I was very happy with the thought of being sexually shut down, but at the same time in my heart I really wanted, and needed, sex. I still haven't experienced it after my castration, but hopefully that will change some day.
BME: Will you stay off of hormones then?
Not at this time. I am having a problem with my weight and while I don't look too bad yet I don't want to get any heavier which would happen if I stopped my hormone treatment. Also, as mentioned before, the hormone treatments arn't working as well as they probably should and thus I get the best of both worlds.
AEQ: How would you feel at a nudist beach with females pointing and laughing at you?
I have had some concern about how my altered state would affect the opposite sex. but have never thought about walking down the beach being laughed at. I guess I would take in it good cheer and ask the ladies if they would like to have a closer look. In talking to woman, both that I know and ones I have met on chat lines, I get mixed opinions. The females that know me feel that it makes no difference being castrated or not. The ladies on the chat lines who have gotten to know me feel the same way saying that Love and your heart matter more to them than having testicles. Some say that the thought is very erotic and yesterday I heard from a woman that I chat with often who said she masturbated the night before to the thought of us having sex together in my castrated state. I was very flattered. Unfortunatly I have also had some very negative comments saying that the thought was vulgar and repulsive. To each their own.
BME: Do you date?
No, not yet in the sense of taking someone out for dinner and to see the show. My divorce took several years to iron out and all that time I foolishly hoped that my wife might come back. I also felt that my marrage vow was a promise that while I was married I wasn't going to see others. Friends minimized my feelings during that time and tried to match me up with possible soul/sex mates but I just couldn't break my vows. Now that my divorce has been finalized and am ready to date again, I just can't seem to find that special one that trips my trigger. However, I am young and patient and time is on my side.
BME: Have you been with women since your castration?
No. Not physically. Mentally yes, with members of both sexes. I look forward to the day the real thing comes along.
AEQ: Do you miss shooting a nice big load?
No, not really. Orgasm is something very special to me now, rather than a necessity. It is also very much more intense. Although the actual feeling of fluid flowing up your penis is wonderful part of orgasm, I have had some of my most intense orgasms with only a drop of fluid appearing at the tip of the urethra. In fact, some of my best ever. Taking hormones has increased the amount of semen discharge, but not to it's previous extent. Of course, like normal, the amount differs from orgasm to orgasm. It is whitesh-clear in color. I don't know if it tastes different.
AEQ: Do you have any sexual desire left at all? Do you ever feel horny?
At my lowest hormone level, no. I had no sexual desire, no erections, no nothing. Everything sexual was shut down. Taking hormones has raised me to a functional level but thankfully not to the level before castration. I had a real problem with sexual urges before and would often times masturbate 3 to 4 times a day. It was very inconvenent and even affected my job performance. Now I feel much more in control. My sexual urges stem more from mental desire than physical need. I still masturbate but only 1-2 times a week and most time I am unable to have orgasm, which means it is much more special an event. Another change in me is my erotic thoughts. Before castration I was more interested in shoving my dick in any oriface and screwing it. Now I realize that I might not be able to preform normally and my lips, teeth, tongue, and fingers might be the only sexual tools I can use and I find that very erotic.
BME: Are you interested in carrying your nullification further, to penectomy?
No. I personally know of men who have had their genitalia completly removed but it was primarily done to deprive them of sexual release except possible orgasm while they acted as bottoms. All of them were very happy that the proceedure was done, but frankly I would have a hard time with the inablility to urinate standing up.
BME: I think it's safe to say that the eunuch community, at least the public one, is a gay male group. What affinity, if any, do you feel with them?
I feel a tremendous kinship to any man who is voluntarily castrated as castration steps over sexual preference. Every man has his own reasons and gay men are perhaps most noted to castration, but look at ads through out the internet under the heading s/m relationships and you will see straight males willing to be castrated in order to satisfy thier female doms. In both cases (gay men -- s/m relationship) the message can be interpreted as a desire to be submissive to a greater power. However, I contend, that underlying the desire to be submissive is a desire to be castrated just for castration's sake and that if asked, most eunuchs cannot put thier feelings into words. However a castration done to please someone else and not yourself is a crime. There is also a group of men who's main desire to be relieved of thier testicles is the need to end sexual desire. A friend of mine who I recently castrated is in this group. He considers himself bi and just wants the sex drive eradiated. Naturally, he is not planning on taking hormones unless some physical need necessitates it.
BME: Did you ever seek "traditional"
psychiatric care for this desire?
I was afraid to. Doctors and therapists are suppose to take a professional and candid attitude about what is discussed with them but I was very concerned about what my happen if anything leaked out. I was also afraid that I would be declared insane or something just as bad and shipped off. And really, inside my heart, I believed that my desire didn't stem from any sort of mental disorder but rather a desire that I would have liked to have fufulled and not something that would ruin my life if it didn't come true. My eventual castration was the result of years of soul-searching, pondering, researching, etc. It was not a rapid thing. In fact, if anyone who reads this witnesses someone all of a sudden deciding he wants to be castrated and whips out a pocket knife, restrain that person and get them help right away.
BME: Did you have friends or even online contacts to help you through this period, or were you effectively alone?
I saw a copy of Drummer Magazine and submitted an ad describing my desires and got back quite alot of responses. Some were hokey while others were very sincer and I replied to them. What was most reassuring was the ability for the first time in my life, to say to another person that I wanted to be castrated and not feel like I was going to be critisized or ridiculed. At the time there was no one talking about castration and therfore I did get a flood of mail which took along time to answer, but nearly everyone I corresponded with that desired to be castrated couldn't easily tell me why they wanted it done. It seemed that most of the guys felt just like I did, they just really wanted it done. At that time there was almost nothing on the internet about castration and it is refreshing to see that has changed. I have kept in contact with afew of the people I met becase of that Drummer ad and one of asked me to castrate him, which I did. Otherwise I can say that I now have an emotional support group, people that know me perhaps better than I know myself.
BME: How did the doctors react to you?
Not very well. Initially, thier major concern was repairing a life threatening wound. Later they became strange and aloof. I am sure that doctors have to be this way in order to survive the ordeals of the job. I never felt like just a peice of meat in thier care, nor did I feel like a human being.
BME: What do you think of eunuchs that do their castrations in a much more fetishistic environment?
I think that those that allow themselves to be castrated in such an environment are foolish. What are these people thinking? The "come on over and let's have a ball-slashing good time" mentality is ludicrist. It just isn't reality. Becoming a eunuch is a life changing proposition and needs to be approached with thought and planning. You can allow a piercing to heal up. You can laser off a tattoo. You cannot replace your testicles, and once you lose them you are a eunuch for life. Castration is too an important decision to allow it to happen at the spur of the moment or during the heat of sex.
BME: ...And those that go so far as to eat the testicles?
I would think that it would be so much nicer to keep them in a jar for all to see. Eating the testicles would mean canniblism and although I am a very open minded person and willing to participate in just about anything, that is not something I could see me do. I guess I could cook them and arrange them with a little garnish for someone else, but I couldn't eat them. If a person wants to taste testicle there are many resturants and grocery stores one can buy them. When I lived in a southern state there was a weekly all-you-can-eat deer fry chow.
BME: What advice would you have for would-be eunuchs?
Oh boy. I sure don't want to sound like a mother-hen because what is good for me may not be for another. I guess the most important advice I can give is to thoroughly examine your desire in a realistic fashion. Take your time in examining yourself and what make you tick. Take years. Most would-be eunuchs I have spoken with are sufficiently young enough that thinking it out for ten years or more will still provide a life time of experience as a eunuch. There are older would-be eunuchs that I have talked with and in thier case they don't have much time. But, because of thier wisdom and experience they are able to make the desicion in a far more realistic manner i.e. "If I become a eunuch today, I will have to live as a eunuch until the day I die. Is that something I will be able to handle down the line?". Don't get me wrong though. If a person understands the implications, has the overwhelming desires, and can say honestly "I want this done for ME", then by all means go for it. It is that honesty part that can be alittle tricky and it is probably the most important facet of your desicion. One thing I do not understand are gentlemen confiding in me that wish to be castrated so they can be more submissive in their present love affair. What it tells me is that "I don't want this done for me really, my significant other wants it done" and that is a no-no. The decision needs to be made by yourself and for yourself. The only other bit of advice I can give is that the proceedure, if done surgically, really should be done by a trained professional.