Funmail 15
I know it hasn't been long since the last funmail, but it really seems to be the universal favorite column on BME... So I thought that January 1st wouldn't really be January 1st without it!
I HATE YOU! I HATE BME! YOU'RE STUPID!
People never seem to bore of telling me this, do they? Luckily I'm dimwitted and never take the hint.
From: [email protected] Subject: du bist krank hey, du penner
das gibt es ja gar nicht, deine seite ist das perverseste, was es gibt. du bist so ein sauhund, dass es nicht mehr schön ist. ich bin froh, THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I WRITE IN GERMAN, denn ich untertreibe bestimmt, was deinen psychischen verstand angeht. du bist so eine hole nuss, mir ist richtig übel.I HOPE, YOU MUST GOING IN HELL FOR YOUR FU***** SITE. YOU ARE A BIG Sauhund.
ONLY BAD THINGS 4 YOU
CZ
Ok, since most of you probably can't read the message above (it's partially in German), I'll fill in a couple of the gaps. The subject is of course "You are sick". The message includes statements like "your site is the most perverse", but the best part is the "I'm glad you don't understand German." I am a German citizen! I spoke German before English! Yes, it's rusty, but I have a vague idea of what's being said (pigdog).
From: Joe Shmo <[email protected]> Subject: goldfish? I hope a gold fish chokes you and you die cause you are going to be not a very nice person ass munch kiss my ass and rot in the "inferno" I'll watch out for that next time I'm swimming with an open mouth in my "fishtank".
From: Dee Snider <[email protected]> Subject: howdy doo Quit the over compensation for your little cock and suck shit through a straw ass hole!!!!!! And this is from someone that can't even come up with an original email pseudonym!
From: [email protected] Subject: nice page your page sucks big hairy cocks It started out nice enough with the subject, but missed the point on the body of the email. It seems like a few adjectives are missing. I think it was supposed to read "your page sucks big hairy pierced tattooed cocks".
This next email is not actually for me; I was asked to redirect it to "NoHand", one of the interviews in BME/People.
From: "Rickey Wheeler" <[email protected]> Subject: NoHand You are a complete freak... How stupid and crazy must you be to be dumb enough to remove your own limbs, seek counsoling. I like body mod and piercing, but you went to far. I bet you were just one of those little kids who got made fun of so you decided to do something cause you were bored... I'm perfectly willing to read and forward contracting viewpoints, but I'm not going to take part in forwarding insults, so don't even bother. If you don't like what someone is doing TO THEMSELVES, why let it bother you? We've all got enough problems without having to get worked up about the bizarro things that other people do to make themselves happy. Oh, and getting made fun of isn't boring.
Greedy People
From: VMovado Subject: (no subject) please send me pics at vmovado@***.com Yeah, ok.
From: Christian Danneberg Subject: Videos ! Could you give me 3 or for examples for videos ! i don't like paying for it !! thx ! Yeah, ok.
From: internetghost19 Subject: HI BME! I WAS WONDERING IF YOU CAN SEND ME ALL OF YOUR TONGUE PIERCINGS IN MY EMAIL OK I WANT TO SEE ALL OF THEM I MIGHT GET MY TONGUE PIERCED BUT I NEED TO SEE THEM ALL AND ALL OF YOUR UPDATED ONES TO
ERIK
I almost did this, just to amuse myself. I'd like to see 17 meg of images plus 550 tongue experiences would do to a WebTV account!
Silly Questions
From: OneKandygl Subject: hey love the piercings . i have my tobgue end my navel pierced , and i want my lower lip pierced. based on your experience, how bad would you say it hurts, and if infected, how badly? e-mail me back
OK, the real answer is pain is subjective. This is not a question that can be answered. Yeah, it will hurt. It might hurt more, it might hurt less. But it will hurt. My question to you is, what makes you think I have this piercing? Not all of the pictures on BME are me!
From: SlownotDumb Subject: question about a video hey....i was lookin thru your video collection and i had a question about one of em. the roy's balls (scrotum suspension or whatever) thing was the most hideouse thing that i have ever seen in my life. did roy volunteer to do that. do you know? i was just wondering
thanx,
BrianYou know, telling me it's the most hideous thing you've ever seen in your life probably isn't a good way to win me over and get a good answer... Of course Roy enjoys it. Some people like this type of play.
From: AngelinaK1 Subject: eyebrow piercing How much money does it cost? say a ballpark estimate? thank you 1. Am I a piercing studio?
2. Do I have any idea where you live?
3. Call a local piercing studio. They're in the yellow pages.
From: M6297 Subject: (no subject) What is the minnum age for piercing? It's different everywhere, and varies both by location, studio, and type of piercing. Call a local piercing studio. They're in the yellow pages.
From: delerium Subject: cock pierce! my friend saays its painless to peirce cock.
he done his he says
he say he done his one night bored and fucked his gf and she cum
is this true?
if so will u do mine?
Well, I wasn't there so I don't know if "she cum", but I doubt it.
Things that make you go 'Huh...'
From: Jeffrey Subject: Godzilla Every time I click on "personals" on the BME main page, a Godzilla program comes up. The result is that I'm not able to get in. Is this an error, or is it just meant to frustrate users. This stumped me. I don't think it's possible. If anyone else is having trouble with Godzilla (or Mothra, or Pingu, or anything) because of BME's personals, please let me know.
From: Carissa DiMargo Subject: question At the risk of being in fun mail 15, I have a question. Is there a piercing known as the Boy George? If so, what is it? OK, this made me laugh! There are a million local terms for piercings, and this might be one of them. But it's certainly not an "official" name.
From: RollTrolls Subject: huh i was just under the tounge peircing thing and now this bme thing shows up Hmmm. Tongue piercing makes sense, but that BME thing, that's odd, I wonder what that is!
From: Sander van Leth Subject: How to make a head scar?? Hi there,
I would like to know if i could make a scar from the top right side of my head to the lower left. If you've ever seen the main character of Final Fantasy 8, you know what i'm talking about. Could you give me a tutorial?
Happy nicking,
ShadeNot a good idea! Maybe if you play one of the earlier Final Fantasy video games you'll find out what type of monster or weapon does this sort of damage to a face.
From: Gdhead14 Subject: piercing i was looking for exampels of nippel piercings It amazes me that someone can find my email address, but has difficulty finding nipple piercings on BME.
Did I ever tell you I'm not a tattoo studio?
From: UW8inOD Subject: i can't find the tatoo Hi
I am looking for several tatoos of trible masks. I found one in a place in Va. but they closed. Can you help me locate some??
ThanksTribbles you say? Maybe you can find some pictures of them in old Star Trek books, but I don't remember them wearing masks...
From: JoboUsa Subject: (no subject) hello there,
my name is Joe. I am very fascinated by tattoos. I have one panther on my left front leg about six inches long. I am interested in getting the area under the underwear line completely sleeved, would you happen to have any sugestions, of pics that may help!!
Thank you
joeHmm, a sleeve under the underwear line. Someone thinks highly of their endowment!
Experiences
As you surely know, you can send in your experience to BME to get a free membership. The only rule is that they need to be decently written, and at least 800 words long... But sometimes it's not that easy.
From: Megan C Subject: excuse me!!!!!!!!! Thanks for your advice but I think I will take my business ELSEWHERE!!! I don't like your so called rule about have 800 words and I don't think everyone needs to be so specific. If you don't like it.....then you can LICK IT!!!!!! Woah! If you don't want to write an experience, don't. It's not a big deal. "Take your business elsewhere?" Go ahead -- experiences COST me money. I post them to help the community. You're helping the community, not me, when you submit them. All I do is try and keep up a vague minmium standard. There's already 550 tongue experiences -- If I let the short experiences in, there's be 5000. Here's one of the short ones I got recently:
From: Ted Tieken Subject: My tongue at the piecing place I went to go and when I got there I was a little Bit one the sick side. Like ever body else always is. Well HE set me up and put the clamps on and he said I'll do it on the count of three. I goobered a little saying alright but he goes 1, 2 and he did it. It felt like a tiny pinch and he was screwing one the the ball. It was done. That is my story. No, that's not going to do it. Here's another short funny one:
From: Christopher Lemery Subject: blowgun I was hangin out over at my bud scott's house when i decided to get my ear pierced. It just so happend my buddy Dane just got a brand new blow gun like two days before and everybody was drinkin' and shootin that stupid thing. I really for a long time wanted to get my ear pierced but never had the time or never had the money. So i was sitting there getting sick of seein darts go through the air so I asked m y freind dane, the one with the best aim, to pierce my ear. What we ended up doin is cutting a potato in half and sticking it behind my ear and holding it out while he aimed and shot. The first time he shot it he got the very bottom of my lobe so it wasn't a good piercing, but the second shot was perfect and I've had it in ever since. That was about a year ago. Don't use a dart should be added to the don't use a piercing gun rule, I think. Finally, this next guy wrote an experience riddled with typographical errors, but the experience was otherwise good, so he was asked to clean it up or spellcheck it:
From: XTOANENDx Subject: Experience: dydoes....shhhhweeeet deal foooo' no probl;em il lrewrite it, any particular things that need correction? ....!
Fake Pictures
As well as submitting stories, people can also submit experiences. Inevitably, people submit pictures that are not their own on an almost daily basis. This next guy submitted a photo that was clearly downloaded from a porn site (it's very easy to identify professional models, professional lighting, etc.):
From: John Siercks Subject: g/f bj pic tongue pierced ummm....it took me months and months to talk my girlfriend into letting me send you this photo....I hope you will add it to your collection. Also now do I get free complete membership???...one more thing...could you give my g/f one...she wants her own...her email is [email protected]
Well I hope you like,
Sphinx(John)Yeah, your girlfriend would be pissed if she knew you were trying to scam porn on the net. This next guy sent me a photo that's been floating around the net for YEARS, and I called him on it.
From: CRISISMKR1 Subject: here is my photo by what means do you assume that ? im sorry you dont believe my own pic is mine ....i think you guys are a rip off Things like this make me wonder if I project an aura of stupidity. Do people really thing such poorly executed scams will work?
Don't Like Funmail
Am I too mean?
From: Shysecret Subject: Boundries. You've crossed them. With your wonderfully informative ezine comes responsibility and respect for your readers. Although it may not be nesescary to pay for the use of your ezine it is still just that a publication and you are abusing it. Im writting this in response to the rudeness I came across in your funmail 14, you galantly demonstrated that you are a pretensious bitch and care for little other then yourself. Although I may not know you personally I believe youve lost touch with the deeper meaning/reasoning for mods and are currently a (to coin a phrase) scared little puppy. People are more then free to have there own views and stupidity. No-body but NO-BODY has the right to pick apart and humiliate anyone else simply because they do not share the same views... Even for a chuckle!
See you in hell ass hole1. I do think humor has univeral rights.
2. If someone sends me rude, insulting mail, I have a right and obligation to respond.
3. If someone sends me moronic, poorly thought out email, I have the moral responsibility to respond.
Follow-Ups
Several people were quite upset about the mail in the previous funmail threatening to have BME banned in Europe and wrote long follow-up mails, which I will reprint here, because they are well written and made me very happy to read (thanks for the support!):
From: Mike & Anouk Subject: BMEzine 'Prejudice is the reason of fools.' - Voltaire
I live in London. I am 24 years old, well educated (BA Hons Journalism), middle-class white female. I am currently training to be a body piercer. I have discovered, over the past two years since I became very interested in Body Piercing and Body Modification, that there is a huge and growing interest in Body Adornment. It is not for everyone, I admit, but the cross-over from ritual... [more]
From: Justine Shacklady Subject: one for you! :) I'm just wanting to ask you why you believe the content of the site is "a corruption of public morals"? The BME site has been produced to inform people about such things as piercings and other modifications. Admittedly, all the viewing material isn't totally pleasant to those of us who have weaker stomachs... [more] Anyway, keep the email coming, I look forward to lots of it in 2000.
Shannon
[email protected]