WARNING: This interview contains graphic photos.
Well, it was quite a year.
“Practice yourself, for heaven’s sake, in little things; and thence proceed to greater.”- Epictetus
Matthew A., a 28 year-old network administrator from Warren, MI goes by the handle Luvpain99 both on IAM and elsewhere. Matt lists his hobbies as “model trains and rockets, chatting online and programming.” Matthew is also a very staunch patriot, a born-again Christian, and involved in a long-term relationship.
A quick perusal of either Matthew’s journal, however, reveals some other, more “specialized” interests; his site on IAM in particular outlines a fascinating story of the journey Matthew undertook during the past year: over a period of twelve months, Matthew’s penis was subincised, his glans was split, a scarification project was began on the head of his penis, and three attempts were made to remove Matthew’s testicles, culminating in a successful bilateral orchiectomy (full castration) on April 9th, 2004.
The last attempt at self-castration resulted in a hospitalization, psychiatric commitment, and having to come out as both a homosexual male and a male desiring castration to his parents. He left a note in his apartment in case anything went wrong during the procedure so anyone finding him might have a better idea of what was motivating him.
Matthew epitomizes the “DIY” ethic (Do It Yourself) — although some might say a little recklessly. Aside from the last two operations to remove his testicles, Matthew completed all of these modifications himself, usually alone, with no assistance other than his own knowledge and boundless inner strength. While he still has struggles to face, Matthew is now a happy eunuch who maintains high visibility both on IAM and the Eunuch Archive.
In this interview we briefly cover what Matt’s been through this year — watch out for a full interview with him in one of BMEbooks’ next releases!
|First, why do you perform such intense surgical mods on yourself?
When I attempted the castration though I was unable to control bleeding and had complications relating to scar tissue in my scrotum from prior experiments and play. Once I saw I would be unable to finish it myself, I tried to do enough damage to both testicles that the doctor treating me would have no choice but to complete the castration. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. Later, I had a cutter perform the procedure on both my partner and I. His went off with no problems, but during mine only one testicle was removed as there was equipment failure during the procedure. Again, I was really frustrated. It seemed like I would never be able to achieve my goal.
To start out, castration has been a desire of mine since I was about thirteen years old. My memory is a little fuzzy about the exact time and order of events. I think I should probably give a little background about myself first before proceeding. First, I grew up in a very strong Christian Baptist family that was very active in the church and I went to a Christian school. I had a lot of health problems as a child — heart problems, asthma, allergies, hernias, and so on, so I was in and out of hospitals and doctors offices a lot until about third grade and had a high pain tolerance, as having blood drawn and other tests just didn’t bother me after the first few hundred times.
I believe what really started my interest in castration was realizing I was attracted to other guys — with my Christian upbringing I felt it was wrong at the time (I’m still unsure about it being right or wrong but that’s another story). It was around that time I started CBT (“cock and ball torture”) and using sewing pins to pierce my testicles as a form of atonement, but I soon found out I enjoyed it. I know at that time I wasn’t being sterile as I didn’t have the proper equipment, but I was playing it safe using 99% alcohol to clean a new needle and wipe the skin beforehand. I was very lucky then that I never got an infection or caught something. Being ashamed of being gay was probably my main reason for the longest time. However, that was no longer a reason when I finally did accomplish my goal.
The second reason I can think of would be “bad thoughts that hurt others”. The people that know me know that I’m a caring guy; one that likes to help others. I try to live by the Golden Rule — “do unto others as you would have them to do unto you” — I hate hurting someone intentionally or using them or taking advantage of them. This one is hard to explain but it deals with trying to get rid of urges to do things. I am very good at my controlling urges, but am always afraid of giving into them. I gave into some of those urges as a teen and still regret it today.
That was still a reason at the time of accomplishing my goal, and I’m very glad to say that accomplishing the goal of castration really did help with this issue.
The third reason I can think of is lowering and totally getting rid of my sex drive. I know that might sound strange to most, but for me I really didn’t get any pleasure out of masturbation or sex. I get pleasure from cuddling and being with someone, but not from sex. For me, getting off was just a release my body needed and not a pleasure. I think my body had two settings: normal and pain (with maybe a slight pleasurable sensation here and there). I just got tired of having to get off all the time and work hard at it for basically no enjoyment. I figured without a sex drive there would be no need to get off. That was a major reason for obtaining my goal. It has been seven months now since I have gotten off.
The fourth reason, which never really was a reason for me until after my castration, but many other people have used it as a reason for their castration, is being calmer. I’m not sure if it is just the castration or a combination of the medications I am on right now, but I’m definitely feeling a lot better… more at ease and at peace with myself and others.
The fifth and final reason I can think of, which wasn’t a primary reason, but something I had hoped for and managed to have come true is I was able to be castrated along with my partner. It has always been a dream of mine to have another partner that was a eunuch, as sex is not important to me. I really don’t know how to describe it other than it was awesome having my partner there when I was done, and being there for my partner when he was done. There is so much symbolism there that it is just unbelievable, at least to me, and how I look at things.
I’m sure in the coming year Matthew will continue, shy or not, to boldly make his mark in the body modification world…perhaps not with words (although this interview puts that notion to rest) but surely with scalpels, needles, hyfrecators and whatever else he can get his hands on!
Hopefully Matt will talk to us again and fill in the rest of his story, as we’ve only just scraped the surface with this introduction. Matt has been a regular contributor to BME and you can see many of his pictures both in BME/extreme’s castration and genital modifcation sections, and in his bonus gallery in BME/HARD.
– Chris Clark (iam:serpents)
Chris Clark is a 32 year old farmboy, journalist, and musician actively involved in heavy body modification and ritual. He is also a Parkinson’s Disease survivor (and thirver) and is currently writing Matthew’s biography for BME/Books.
Online presentation copyright © 2005 BME.com LLC. Photos copyright © 2004 Matthew A. and LuvPain99.com. Requests to republish must be confirmed in writing. For bibliographical purposes this article was first published online January 8th, 2005 by BME.com LLC from La Paz, Mexico.