Allan Farkner Teaches Suspension

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Comments on Allen Falkner teaching suspension, via Fark (click for full forum and link to original story, thanks Testa for the pointer);

Dude seriously needs a hook through his brain next.

Gives new meaning to the phrase “The suspense is killing me.”

The guy I lost my virginity to did the first “ass suspension.” Thank god this was years after we boned.

Ass suspension? Just how does that work? Hang on to a buttplug with you sphincter of godly strength? Drive hooks through your buttcheek muscles? Geez…

It gets philosophical though as well.

Gosh, have you ever stuck the blade of a hunting knife up your ass? Maybe it would be transcendent. Can’t say it isn’t till you try it.

Or maybe you don’t need to actually need to stick a hunting knife up your ass to know that there is nothing transcendent about it and that anyone who would actually enjoy doing that has serious mental issues. Such a person does not need to embrace their inner ass-knifer, they need to seek help to find out why their mind craves such clearly psychologically deviant and destructive behavior.

Anyway, I’m going to go satisfy my inner ass-knifer now.

72 thoughts on “Allan Farkner Teaches Suspension”

  4. Ay yay yi.

    “Or maybe you don’t need to actually need to stick a hunting knife up your ass to know that there is nothing transcendent about it and that anyone who would actually enjoy doing that has serious mental issues.”

    Sounds like this person is

    1) confusing any and all motivation to do something like this with sexual masochism

    and then

    2) displaying ignorance of massive proportions about even that.

    I truly do not get how using painful experiences for:

    sex
    spirituality
    ordeal/endurance
    fun

    have always been a part of human history, yet people remain so hopelessly ignorant about this and insist it makes no sense. WHAT THE FUCK.

    *shakes head at the ignorance and judgmental assholery*

  5. Ay yay yi.

    “Or maybe you don’t need to actually need to stick a hunting knife up your ass to know that there is nothing transcendent about it and that anyone who would actually enjoy doing that has serious mental issues.”

    Sounds like this person is

    1) confusing any and all motivation to do something like this with sexual masochism

    and then

    2) displaying ignorance of massive proportions about even that.

    I truly do not get how using painful experiences for:

    sex
    spirituality
    ordeal/endurance
    fun

    have always been a part of human history, yet people remain so hopelessly ignorant about this and insist it makes no sense. WHAT THE FUCK.

    *shakes head at the ignorance and judgmental assholery*

  6. Ay yay yi.

    “Or maybe you don’t need to actually need to stick a hunting knife up your ass to know that there is nothing transcendent about it and that anyone who would actually enjoy doing that has serious mental issues.”

    Sounds like this person is

    1) confusing any and all motivation to do something like this with sexual masochism

    and then

    2) displaying ignorance of massive proportions about even that.

    I truly do not get how using painful experiences for:

    sex
    spirituality
    ordeal/endurance
    fun

    have always been a part of human history, yet people remain so hopelessly ignorant about this and insist it makes no sense. WHAT THE FUCK.

    *shakes head at the ignorance and judgmental assholery*

  7. You know, you should only satisfy your inner ass-knifer if you do it on someone else…namely, the sanctimonious twit who wrote all that garbage.

  8. You know, you should only satisfy your inner ass-knifer if you do it on someone else…namely, the sanctimonious twit who wrote all that garbage.

  9. You know, you should only satisfy your inner ass-knifer if you do it on someone else…namely, the sanctimonious twit who wrote all that garbage.

  19. Inner ass-knifer
    like wtf wats wrong whit thad
    ok its a pain in the butt but still
    if it makes your day go Inner ass-knifer:P

  20. Inner ass-knifer
    like wtf wats wrong whit thad
    ok its a pain in the butt but still
    if it makes your day go Inner ass-knifer:P

  21. Inner ass-knifer
    like wtf wats wrong whit thad
    ok its a pain in the butt but still
    if it makes your day go Inner ass-knifer:P

  25. Arrghh :-O – yeah i must admit that i can’t fully understand that ass knife image… more power to that dude but wow.. scary.

    Heehee the ignorant comments on the suspension are highly entertaining. Morons.

  26. Arrghh :-O – yeah i must admit that i can’t fully understand that ass knife image… more power to that dude but wow.. scary.

    Heehee the ignorant comments on the suspension are highly entertaining. Morons.

  27. Arrghh :-O – yeah i must admit that i can’t fully understand that ass knife image… more power to that dude but wow.. scary.

    Heehee the ignorant comments on the suspension are highly entertaining. Morons.

  28. whatev, it’s not like farkers are known for their intelligence &/or tolerance. The article itself was surprisingly good though, I thought.

  29. whatev, it’s not like farkers are known for their intelligence &/or tolerance. The article itself was surprisingly good though, I thought.

  30. whatev, it’s not like farkers are known for their intelligence &/or tolerance. The article itself was surprisingly good though, I thought.

  31. did anyone read the article/look at the pictures that the fark entry linked to? I really like how it was written and the photographs were good, too. I think that’s the first time i ever read a news article about suspension that didn’t make me want to yell.

  32. did anyone read the article/look at the pictures that the fark entry linked to? I really like how it was written and the photographs were good, too. I think that’s the first time i ever read a news article about suspension that didn’t make me want to yell.

  33. did anyone read the article/look at the pictures that the fark entry linked to? I really like how it was written and the photographs were good, too. I think that’s the first time i ever read a news article about suspension that didn’t make me want to yell.

  34. oh and i’m ignoring the farkers… If anything they are lazy people who sit around and derive pleasure rom mocking what others like to do instead of finding their own intresting things to do…
    “What do you like to do?”
    farker: “i uh, look at websites all day and try and think of witty one liners to impress some people on another website who i’ve never met.”
    bme’er: “i fly.”

  35. oh and i’m ignoring the farkers… If anything they are lazy people who sit around and derive pleasure rom mocking what others like to do instead of finding their own intresting things to do…
    “What do you like to do?”
    farker: “i uh, look at websites all day and try and think of witty one liners to impress some people on another website who i’ve never met.”
    bme’er: “i fly.”

  36. oh and i’m ignoring the farkers… If anything they are lazy people who sit around and derive pleasure rom mocking what others like to do instead of finding their own intresting things to do…
    “What do you like to do?”
    farker: “i uh, look at websites all day and try and think of witty one liners to impress some people on another website who i’ve never met.”
    bme’er: “i fly.”

  40. Posted by MrPumpernickel QUOTE
    That’s it, that’s my new slogan: “psychologically deviant…and loving it!â€?
    UNQUOTE

    I suddenly have the mental image of a rather perturbed McDonalds employee holding up said ass-knife and sporting a psychotic grin whilst offering chicken mcnuggles…..hmm…

    When I first read this story on Fark I thought ‘Is this how the outside sees us?’ Then I thought, Well bully for them…fuck’em all…

  41. Posted by MrPumpernickel QUOTE
    That’s it, that’s my new slogan: “psychologically deviant…and loving it!â€?
    UNQUOTE

    I suddenly have the mental image of a rather perturbed McDonalds employee holding up said ass-knife and sporting a psychotic grin whilst offering chicken mcnuggles…..hmm…

    When I first read this story on Fark I thought ‘Is this how the outside sees us?’ Then I thought, Well bully for them…fuck’em all…

  42. Posted by MrPumpernickel QUOTE
    That’s it, that’s my new slogan: “psychologically deviant…and loving it!â€?
    UNQUOTE

    I suddenly have the mental image of a rather perturbed McDonalds employee holding up said ass-knife and sporting a psychotic grin whilst offering chicken mcnuggles…..hmm…

    When I first read this story on Fark I thought ‘Is this how the outside sees us?’ Then I thought, Well bully for them…fuck’em all…

  43. Ahh thankyou so much for posting the ling to this article.

    See I went on the site and found a list of suspension tems, one of which was based in Atlanta. So right now I’m just trying to work out the details but I believe I’m going up.

    Again, thanks man.

  44. Ahh thankyou so much for posting the ling to this article.

    See I went on the site and found a list of suspension tems, one of which was based in Atlanta. So right now I’m just trying to work out the details but I believe I’m going up.

    Again, thanks man.

  45. Ahh thankyou so much for posting the ling to this article.

    See I went on the site and found a list of suspension tems, one of which was based in Atlanta. So right now I’m just trying to work out the details but I believe I’m going up.

    Again, thanks man.

  55. i’m drawing pics for an inner-ass-knifer T-shirt… for bme if they want or just for myself… this is my inner-ass-knifer @ work… lmfao… when was bme established??? anyway i’ll make up a date for now, for humors sake…BME Ass-Knifing It Since 1990… and i’ve drawn a pic of an ass with a knife through it… sorta like the old-school skull with a knife through it kinda tat… can’t stop laughing my ass-knife off… haha… i’ll try to get the pic on my IAM soon… damn you scanner.. arrg… i’ll find a way and if you like we’ll see what we can do… i don’t know if Shannon would be up for selling a shirt like that or not???

  56. i’m drawing pics for an inner-ass-knifer T-shirt… for bme if they want or just for myself… this is my inner-ass-knifer @ work… lmfao… when was bme established??? anyway i’ll make up a date for now, for humors sake…BME Ass-Knifing It Since 1990… and i’ve drawn a pic of an ass with a knife through it… sorta like the old-school skull with a knife through it kinda tat… can’t stop laughing my ass-knife off… haha… i’ll try to get the pic on my IAM soon… damn you scanner.. arrg… i’ll find a way and if you like we’ll see what we can do… i don’t know if Shannon would be up for selling a shirt like that or not???

  57. i’m drawing pics for an inner-ass-knifer T-shirt… for bme if they want or just for myself… this is my inner-ass-knifer @ work… lmfao… when was bme established??? anyway i’ll make up a date for now, for humors sake…BME Ass-Knifing It Since 1990… and i’ve drawn a pic of an ass with a knife through it… sorta like the old-school skull with a knife through it kinda tat… can’t stop laughing my ass-knife off… haha… i’ll try to get the pic on my IAM soon… damn you scanner.. arrg… i’ll find a way and if you like we’ll see what we can do… i don’t know if Shannon would be up for selling a shirt like that or not???

  58. I read this to my friend and she walked off to find her inner ass-knifer, then I read it to someone else who immediately wrote “psychologically deviant” on their arm. This is just funny.

  59. I read this to my friend and she walked off to find her inner ass-knifer, then I read it to someone else who immediately wrote “psychologically deviant” on their arm. This is just funny.

  60. I read this to my friend and she walked off to find her inner ass-knifer, then I read it to someone else who immediately wrote “psychologically deviant” on their arm. This is just funny.

  64. You know what? Suspension (the thought of it) normally freaks me out – because of the whole needle thing, (I have a phobia of them), but that article makes it sound like an amazing experience. I’m not sure that I’m at the point where I could go through with it, but that article definitely increased my interest.

    Thanks Fark!

  65. You know what? Suspension (the thought of it) normally freaks me out – because of the whole needle thing, (I have a phobia of them), but that article makes it sound like an amazing experience. I’m not sure that I’m at the point where I could go through with it, but that article definitely increased my interest.

    Thanks Fark!

  66. You know what? Suspension (the thought of it) normally freaks me out – because of the whole needle thing, (I have a phobia of them), but that article makes it sound like an amazing experience. I’m not sure that I’m at the point where I could go through with it, but that article definitely increased my interest.

    Thanks Fark!

  70. “To those of you with piercings, tattoos, band t-shirts, collections of punk rock tablatures/posters/cds, coloured/spikey hair, I say: You are teh ghey.”

    And I wonder if this person has standard gunned lobe piercings like most people do…does that mean they are ‘teh ghey’ too, or do their own rules just not apply to themselves?

  71. “To those of you with piercings, tattoos, band t-shirts, collections of punk rock tablatures/posters/cds, coloured/spikey hair, I say: You are teh ghey.”

    And I wonder if this person has standard gunned lobe piercings like most people do…does that mean they are ‘teh ghey’ too, or do their own rules just not apply to themselves?

  72. “To those of you with piercings, tattoos, band t-shirts, collections of punk rock tablatures/posters/cds, coloured/spikey hair, I say: You are teh ghey.”

    And I wonder if this person has standard gunned lobe piercings like most people do…does that mean they are ‘teh ghey’ too, or do their own rules just not apply to themselves?

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