I Got Pretty Close

We’ve featured this particular beefcake before, and I mistakenly identified him as having been carved out of granite by Jesus. This was false, and I apologize for this mischaracterization. In fact, he was installed at the bottom of the sea over 60,000 years ago, by aliens, and occasionally surfaces to assert his dominance over killer whales and giant squid and underwater volcanoes and the like. He is literally standing in the middle of the Pacific Ocean in this picture, on top of a shark that had been alive since the Cretaceous period, which he killed just by looking at it. When asked for comment, he kindly shooed us away, as his mouth was full of Loch Ness Monster meat and he didn’t want to be rude.

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