The first time you suspend is like the first time you have sex; nervous beforehand, feelings of excitement and yet complete vulnerability, indecisions, and of course…pain. I’ve built up suspension in my head for so long. I’ve read a million different experiences and articles and I could barely watch a video of someone suspending without aching with jealousy. So it would obviously come to pass that I would be super excited about finally getting my chance to suspend. I saw the look on my boyfriend Josh’s face when he got down from the hooks for the first time so long ago. I saw the satisfaction in someone’s eyes when they were finally able to get off the ground in their two-point chest suspension. I wanted that. I wanted a million different things out of my suspension and I wasn’t even sure what I was in for yet. I’ve done a flesh pull once before and had an amazing time. People, places, attitudes… It just fit and I had an absolute blast. Suspensions can’t be that much harder, can they?
The familiar feeling of the needles piercing my back sent me into my first tizzy. Four hooks were finally in and it was time for a breather. I was already shaking. A little bit of energy drink to bump up my sugar a bit and it was time to lace me up to the rig. Getting off of my feet was incredibly difficult. Not just the way it screws with your head with the concept of everything, but the pain was extreme. I held tightly to Josh with my legs around him as he urged me forward and upward. I closed my eyes and tried to relax per his requests. Everything started to tingle… I wondered… was this the endorphin rush? And then it hit me; I knew that feeling. I was passing out. I forced my eyes open because I knew that nothing good could come out of passing out under these kind of extreme circumstances.
“Don’t let go… don’t let go…”
I kept saying that, panicked, looking at Josh who was standing in front me and holding my hands. I was lifted higher… higher… I started getting dizzy… and then…
“You have to let go… you have to do this alone.”
A deep breath and… I was off. My feet dangled a foot above the ground. My arms were completely immobilized, shoulders up to my ears practically with the weight of my form on the hooks. I had done it. I was suspending! J.C. and Josh were spouting things at me about how great I was doing and cheering me on but I could barely focus. And then… sweat… dizzy… intense pain. I felt like I was going to pass out another time and I tried to push it away and out of my head. Then the nausea hit, and it hit hard. It was at that point that I knew I was done.
My body had been through enough and mind-over-matter just wasn’t cutting it anymore. I whimpered for them to quickly bring me down and that I was feeling ill. Getting down from there was a terrible feeling, honestly. I hadn’t done everything I came to do. I suspended… but… I just expected more out of myself. With my overwhelmingly good response from the flesh pull, I figured that this wouldn’t be too much different. Boy was I wrong. I immediately burst into tears. They weren’t just tears of disappointment.. they were tears of pure emotion and raw… “raw me”, I guess.