Is there a better way to wake up than to a tattoo of Bear Grylls, the manliest Briton since, I don’t know, the Queen Mother, chowing down on some tendons? No. No there is not. And to the inevitable people who will feel the need to pipe up and claim that Man Vs. Wild is faked or exaggerated or what have you, let me just say you are a heartless cockblocker and I hope a meteor shower hits your television. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat a live rabbit stuffed inside a live turtle, for protein.