The NBA Is Destroying America, Again, With Tattoos

Hey everybody, it’s the NBA playoffs! You know what that means, right? You guessed it: idiotic columns from hateful jerk-offs about how tattoos are ruining the NBA! This time around, we’ve got Kyle McNary of the Minneapolis Sports Examiner waxing moronic. Does this horseshit warrant an FJM-style takedown? Oh, hell yes.

It sounds superficial. It probably is superficial. But, watching the NBA has become almost a chore for me, not because the talent is diluted and the art of great passing is all but gone, though it most certainly is, but because more than three quarters of NBA players have ugly tattoos.

I’m going to make a wild assumption here and guess that McNary hasn’t actually been an NBA fan in quite some time. He thinks the quality of game-play has declined, but that’s not why it’s a “chore” for him to watch—it’s because of the tattoos! This is akin to saying you have trouble watching NASCAR because of all the stickers on the cars, or that the San Diego Padres are unwatchable when they’re wearing those hideous camouflage jerseys. (When, in fact, both NASCAR and the Padres are unwatchable for entirely different reasons.) (Because they are both terrible, you see.)

Yes, I’m prejudiced against people with tattoos. I think they made a big mistake, I question their decision-making skills, and I think they probably lack in self esteem.

This sort of silly screed almost always retreats to this argument—that tattoos are absolutely a sign of lacking self-esteem. This has become the “terrorists hate us for our freedom” of the anti-tattoo crowd.

I think a small tattoo on a sailor’s forearm is okay, but more than a silver dollar size is too much. I think they make women look trashy, hence the word “tramp stamp,” though Beyonce could have her whole body tattooed and she’s (sic) still be gorgeous. I guess I just don’t get it.

Hey, all you men and women in the Navy, listen up. Kyle McNary thinks it’s just fine and dandy to get a small anchor or a single pair of breasts tattooed on your forearm, but anything more than that is probably a sign of a mind so wrought with self-image issues that you are unfit to serve the nation. He is correct. Beyonce, however, may cover herself in all the shitty tattoos she pleases, and Mr. McNary will be happy to continue to pleasure himself to her, because she would still be a strong and confident woman.

Evidently, when McNary says he doesn’t “get it,” “it” refers to “how to construct a meaningful and consistent argument.”

I’ve been watching the conference finals the past week, and the games have been pretty exciting.

Even though the NBA sucks now, right?

Not many people would have guessed that the Orlando Magic would be a Lebron three-pointer away from leading three games to none. But….I can’t get past these tattoos.

There are two players, one in each series, who must have OCTD–Obsessive Compulsive Tattoo Disorder.

One of the many dreaded side-effects of low self-esteem, naturally. TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT OCTD!

On the Cleveland Cavaliers, Delonte West looks like he belongs in a circus. After filling up both arms, West actually walked into a tattoo parlor and said, “stick some needles in my neck.” It’s hard to tell where one ends and another starts, but he has at least a dozen tattoos, and looks like a moron. Sorry, but he does.

You know, Delonte West and I very rarely hang out, so I can’t say for certain, but…oh Christ, yes, I can say for certain that he did not actually walk into a tattoo parlor and say, “Stick some needles in my neck.” This is not the way people speak to each other. When you head to Olive Garden for your weekly pre-Idol free breadsticks, do you demand from your waiter, “HEY, CRAM SOME STARCHES IN MY FACE”?

In the West, the Denver Nuggets’ Chris Anderson is nicknamed “birdman,” supposedly because he can fly to the basket, and he flaps his arms after a big play. I actually think it’s a good nickname because he looks like a peacock.

Awesome. Nailed it. Great joke.

Basketball, when played right, can be a thing of beauty. But, the two-bit punk attitudes, tattoos and chest-beating has made a great sport look like a thug convention.

So, your problems with basketball currently include:

- Diluted talent pool
- Poor passing techniques
- Tattoos
- Punk attitudes
- Flashy play/“chest-beating”

So, you’re bothered by the quality of the athletes, the culture of the game and participants themselves…maybe, just maybe, you’ve outgrown the NBA? Seriously. There’s no shame in admitting that you and a former passion have moved in opposite directions as time has gone on. If the NBA offends you so much, why not stick to college ball, or the WNBA? Why punish yourself with continued patronage of a league with which you no longer feel a connection?

The Indiana Pacers’ Marquis Daniels had a tattoo of a man committing suicide (lovely), Gilbert Arenas has the words “change we believe in” on his fingers in honor of Barack Obama, Luke Walton has a tattoo in honor of the Grateful Dead, and Tim Duncan has a tattoo covering his chest in honor of the nerdy game Dungeons and Dragons. The most idiotic reason for getting a tattoo? Amare Stoudemire wins the award. The Sun’s star claims that “if I died right now, my kids could get to know me by my tats.” Uh, Amare, why don’t you just talk to your kids!

First of all, it’s truly wonderful that admist all your incessant jabbering about how tattoos are a sign of the thug culture that’s destroying the NBA, you reference Gilbert Arenas’s Obama tattoo, Tim Duncan’s Dungeons and Dragons tattoo and Luke Walton’s Grateful Dead tribute. THUGGISHNESS ABOUNDS.

Also, Amare’s kids are about two and three years old. They’re barely human beings at this point. Maybe he’s covered himself with symbols important enough to him that his kids could maybe glean some insight into the man’s life once they’re able to, you know, speak and remember things?

Nah, you’re right. He’s probably just some absentee fuck-up covered with “gang tatz.” You goddamn clown.

48 thoughts on “The NBA Is Destroying America, Again, With Tattoos

  1. Anyone who has enough wasted time to write a biased article about professional sports players’ tattoos instead of enjoying the sport they intended to watch in the first place deserves a swift kick in the ass. Many UFC fighters have crap tattoos, but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying the fights. This person needs a hobby, preferably one that doesn’t involve writing.

  2. some one shoudl knock this guy out and tattoo “i hate tattoos striaght on his forehead and yes if it agrivates him so much to speal about tattoos some how destroying the NBA hes not focused on the game at all hes paying attention , i think this guy needs to shut up and write about somethign else

  3. Jordan, once again a great response to a dumb ass article. Especially love when professional journalists screw up their grammar. the hell if I ever would ever get away with that in journalism school.

  4. I’m not a basketball fan (or really a fan of pro sports in general, just find watching them boring) so I had no idea what these guys tatoos looked like but as a D&D fan I had to look up Tim Duncan’s. It’s a kind of cheesy looking wizard but okay.

    I’m so using that!

  5. “HEY, CRAM SOME STARCHES IN MY FACE”, thats entering my commonly used phrases as of right now!
    I think guys like this serve a use to society, and this comes from studying john stuart mill at college,
    its better to not censor opinions like these, censoring them would rob us of the ability to prove why they are wrong as we wouldn’t need to, keeping these guys around shows everyone how ridiculous they are.

  6. Dear editor…
    I fucking love you, that was the most hilarious response to a body modification hating article I’ve ever read.
    You sir, win my respect massively.

    “Evidently, when McNary says he doesn’t “get it,” “it” refers to “how to construct a meaningful and consistent argument.”

  7. Sports suck and obnoxious tattoos suck. Go go attention whores.

  8. ” It’s hard to tell where one ends and another starts, but he has at least a dozen tattoos, and looks like a moron.”

    Uh…wait…so tattoo continuity is bad because…?

  9. I dont understand what can lead a person to be so childish and close minded! Good job man for this response to his article… i hope that asshole is happy, cause im sure that the nba players that read his statements are gonna give them a piece of their minds… or at least i believe they should.

  10. ” It’s hard to tell where one ends and another starts, but he has at least a dozen tattoos, and looks like a moron.”

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s called a sleeve, no?

  11. Everyone is allowed to have an opinion. As long as this not official statement i don’t care…

  12. Also, I have to say, I did laugh at that peacock joke.
    I can’t help myself, it contained the word cock.

  13. Wow…so much close-minded hate spouting from one person; how does he go on jabbering like that and still think he’s being…well, whatever it is he thinks he’s being.

    Where as the contents of this article are epically hilarious. Do we see the difference?

    Oh, and why do people constantly have to make the tattoos = circus reference with such negative connotations? It seems they missed that glorious part of history where one could proudly exhibit their self and choice of ink for others, and furthermore – GET PAID for doing so. This is bad how?

    Now I’m gonna cram some starches and meat products into my face.

  14. Well, I guess lucky for me I hate watching sports period (let alone *B-ball*).. Sports in general just don’t do it for me. Now men (and woman!) with tattoos????? AWWWWWWW yah baby.

    Seriously though.. I feel sorry for this person. It’s one thing to not like tattoos… but to outright trash them, is just ignorant.

    PS, I’ve got a ton of tats, and guess what buddy, my kiddos always tell me I’m the prettiest mommy in the world. So stick that in your juicebox and suck it!

  15. While the guy is obviously a wife beating nazi hack, he has a point in that most NBA tattoos are complete shit. Imagine if the public was educated to a level where every NBA tattoo was an award winning work of art,… wouldn’t that go a LONG way in shutting asshats like this up? Oh, I know scratchers are the new black, especially on this site,… “Don’t diss my jailhouse tat, MAAAANNNNN, it was free!” But man would I love to live in a world where people who hate tattoo would have to admit that they’re amazingly beautiful, instead of helping to prove the point of bigots everywhere.

  16. I rarely feel like I should bother commenting on most articles, this time I couldn’t resist. Here is was was written.

    I am really glad that you wrote this article, Kyle. It reminds me that we all have freedom of speech. Here is my rebuttal article, it makes about as much sense as your original article too.
    Middle Aged Balding Men Make News Almost Unreadable.

    I like news, but damn the middle aged balding men who write articles like “Tattoos have made NBA almost unwatchable” really make the news almost unreadable. I think it shows a lack of personal hygiene when someone goes bald. Except for my father because even if he was balding I would still love him.

    I am an asshole, there I said it. I question people just for the sake of questioning. If my tattoos were covered but I wore a shirt that said my penis is pierced, would I offend you Kyle? I truly hope so because if you cannot get your head out of your ass long enough to realize that my decisions are just that, mine, as yours are your own.

    Quite honestly, I don’t give two hot craps about what you think of my tattoos. In fact, I would love to meet you so that you could try and argue that my tattoos bother you. We could schedule a lunch date, me in my business suit where you couldn’t see my tattoos and you in your mesh jersey, balding, and grumpy. I think we would have fun. ———

    See, I told you my article would make about as much sense as the original. The End.

  17. Love the article dude. Warborns slur is equally as awesome so is the post just before mine.

  18. I just love the ending of your commentary: “You goddamn clown” haha short and to the point. Lovely!

    And really…I get so tired of these articles I can’t even muster up the energy to do anything but raise an eyebrow in amusement. Guys like this are a dime a dozen and soooo boring to listen to after a bit. They get so offended about stupid things that it’s just hilarious!

  19. I, too, find it necessary to mention “HEY, CRAM SOME STARCHES IN MY FACE!”

    :) modblog is the best.

  20. lol because the way Beyonce flounces around in skimpy outfits gyrating in her music videos is so 110% class that EVEN A TATTOO could not mar her XD

  21. I agree with number 2. Most normal people would watch basketball to watch the game not stare at the players’ tattoos and judge them by that. As you said about the UFC yeah some of them do have craptacular tattoos some have amazing works of art on their body. So many people judge the tattoos before they realize what it truely stands for to the person wearing it. My first tattoo was a cross for my grandfather who was one of my biggest heroes and the person that shaped me most into who I am today, i wanted something other than a damn rock with his name on it to remember him by. This is a memeorial for me, not anyone else, ME to remember him. If other people don’t like it fuck them, I don’t care if I’m close-minded because hey, they are too.

  22. Pingback: g3n's status on Thursday, 28-May-09 14:03:45 UTC -

  23. “So, you’re bothered by the quality of the athletes, the culture of the game and participants themselves…maybe, just maybe, you’ve outgrown the NBA? Seriously. There’s no shame in admitting that you and a former passion have moved in opposite directions as time has gone on. If the NBA offends you so much, why not stick to college ball, or the WNBA? Why punish yourself with continued patronage of a league with which you no longer feel a connection?”

    That paragraph is a real winner.

  24. Oh, now I’m sad to be from Minneapolis, but wow, this is an amusing article <3

  25. I’m not condoning violence, but I have to wonder if a certain columnist isn’t going to be visited by several large tall athletic men (and women) who are very angry. Seems fitting.

  26. Jordan you have to admit the work done on the players is beyond sub-par you would think with all the money they have they would get the best work done..

    The author of the story above is probably some talentless kid who never made his hometown basketball team so all he does is hate on those whom excel at it.

  27. I love how he contradicts himself by saying he doesn’t “get” tattoos, that they make women look trashy, but that Beyonce could have as many as she wants. What was the point of that sentence? Contradicting himself??

    Sure some people that get tattoos might have low self esteem, but to say ALL people with tattoos have low self esteem is a ridiculous generalization. That makes about as much sense as saying that all people who watch the NBA are morons.

    Jordan – nice Olive Garden reference; made me smile :-) Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go flood my throat with fruit juice.

  28. Ahahaha. An absolutely hilarious bash to an equally hilariously moronic article. Well done, Jordan… and yeah.. D&D is about as un-thug as it gets.

  29. Alright, well, all I can say is that the Cleveland Cavs are my hometown team (I’m from a suburb of Cleveland) so I’m definitely not hating on the Cavs, BUT the author of that article does make a point that West’s tattoos are absolutely God-awful and horribly placed. There’s no flow at all, and most of them look like garbage. As a tattoo lover, I almost take offense to his public display of such awful work, simply because it perpetuates the stereotype that tattoos are trashy and hastily executed. I don’t agree with the way that the author approaches all tattoos/tattoo enthusiasts based on what he sees in the NBA, but we can’t fault him for stating the obvious when it comes to some of the lackluster work we see at game time. Superstar athletes should have the best work around, since they have the disposable income to go visit the best of the best tattoo artists in the U.S., hell, even in the whole world.

  30. soooooooooooooo

    I work at tribe tattoo in denver, colorado, and the owner of our shop is John Slaughter, who tattoos Chris Anderson of the Nuggets. I would just like to point out (not that that douchebag will actually read this) That TNT, Altitude Sports Network, Channel 9 and Fox 31 as well as KOA radio have been here to do stories/ specials on both John and Chris. As a matter of fact non of us can get any damn work done around here cause theres a different channel here every other day taking over the whole shop with their cameras and microphones. So apparently that guy is pretty much the only cock sucker in the country who had a problem with it, so I kindly say go fuck yourself sir.

  31. what a moron. Tattoos are pretty much a form of art. who cares if professional athletes have tattoos, how does it make it look thuggish? And how does this guy still have a job? Writing a sports column during the conference finals about tattoos, this guy needs to lay down the pipe.

  32. “HEY, CRAM SOME STARCHES IN MY FACE”… hoooooo that will be one of my main phrases this month as i’ve dropped meat.

    Anyways, yeah, as soon as I read the Beyonce sentence, I did the whole face-palm thing. She’s obviously a severely confident woman and he still loves her… he doesn’t get that people get inked for so many various reasons.

    but yeah. Good article. I’m diggin all of your comebacks.

  33. Same kind of close mindedness I had working for Telstra.

    I would hit my targets every month, make excellent rapport with my customers and yet the first thing the regional managers when they *ahem* fell off their high horse was to close in on my piercings.

    Maybe if they focused on their customer service and their two bit politically correct filipino call centre workers (not racist, but come on they could at least let them attempt some form of personality) and less on what their employees looked like their customers wouldn’t hate them so much.

  34. You know, it’s ppl with closed-minded attitudes like this that ruin sports for the rest of us.
    WHO CARES about the players’ tats? If we accepted Rodman with his eccentricites because he was a great player, why the hell can’t we accept others with their artwork? This stuff annoys the piss out of me.
    To ball players: get tatts, pierce your chest, dye your hair… I don’t care. Just do what you do and be fantastic at it.
    So I say to the extreme sports purists and “conservatives”… UNCLENCH! Let that pole slide right out, and let me watch my basketball in peace.

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